"Control your soul Mr Right! Lest it escapes a second time."
Mr Right strengthened his spirit. His muscular constrictions, visible to any observer, reflected the battle he was fighting within himself. He moaned in pain as his soul clawed to escape its shell.
"Hurry Doctor! My spirit weakens with every passing moment," Mr Right said, clenching his fists.
"The potion is almost ready," the Doctor responded.
Mr Right's moans escalated into screams. It was apparent that his soul was winning. It was only a matter of time before it slid out from Mr Right's body.
"In the name of the almighty, I infuse the power of Elohim into this vial. With the authority of the Lord of hosts, I command your soul to be bound to your body!" With that monologue, the Doctor forced the liquid into Mr Right's mouth.
One long, loud scream erupted from Mr Right's mouth, like a burst of molten magma from a volcano. In just a few moments, the battle was over. Mr Right collapsed into relaxing unconsciousness almost immediately.
"Thank you Lord, for another victory." The Doctor muttered, as he bowed his head.
"Doctor, this is the 16th case of soul snatching we have treated in just eight days. We need to inform the Reverends that the search for a permanent panacea must be expedited," said the Doctor's apprentice, who had been in the chamber all the while.
"I am sure the Reverends are aware of the precariousness of the situation that is upon us all. You have to understand that this is a most delicate and unusual case we face. We do not battle demons, no no no, we battle the souls of men, acting like demons. We do not know how this came to be. Lucifer must have found a way to infuse a daemon element into the souls of men. But, we should let the Reverends consult with Jehovah to find a soulution. Apart from that, we will just have to continue binding souls."
"But, Doctor, can't we just destroy or contain the escaped souls somewhere more secure?"
"Men fall into apythanatosis when their souls are absent within them. Their lives fade away as they continue to be in that state. That is why it is necessary to bind the souls within them, even if the souls always find ways to escape."
"Then it means -"
"You ask too many questions boy! Go and fetch some more olive oil for the potion."
"Yes, Doctor."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I really liked the plot, and the overall writing style. I'm a sucker for anything supernatural and this was right up my street. I enjoyed reading it and I'm selfish, so of course it left me wanting more. Happy writing, great job! ^^,
Interesting plot. Hopefully you do more character development and fix Mr. Right's name because he needs a period after Mr. I take it in this world demons take over bodies often? Good job subtly tying in how religious they are. If you discuss demons in this chapter and throughout this book I hope you also talk about angels, just to even it out. Also dialogue is usually used to develop the characters more but as of right now the characters just use a few words during each speaking part other than when the doctor and apprentice explain their situation.
The concept here is definitely interesting, Abelgaiya, but there are a few things I need to mention. First, the dialogue between the characters is sub-par. It seems stiff and wooden, as though you're allowing the more formal descriptions in the work to spill over into dialogue. It makes the characters seem flat.
Second, I'd like to mention your punctuation. I know this isn't a final draft, but it always helps to point out, right? Anyway, remember to put a comma before direct address. For instace: "Yes, doctor."
Don't forget to add a period before abreviations of titles, as well. Mr. Right would be the correct way to say Right's title.
Overall, it's a nice start. On a final note, I'd work on the descriptions. They seem to use 'big words' just for the sake of having them in the sentence. Again, it feels artificial.
Thanks for the pointers.
In most Commonwealth countries (which my country is) a full stop is not used with the title.
You can extend it .
Its pretty unclear .
Apart from that its good .
But its really hard to grasp , share the full story ! This one is incomplete of course !
The use of words is awesome !
"Hurry Doctor! My spirit weakens with every passing moment," Mr Right said, clenching his fists.
Mr Right's moans escalated into screams. It was apparent that his soul was winning. It was only a matter of time before it slid out from Mr Right's body.
One long, loud scream erupted from Mr Right's mouth, like a burst of molten magma from a volcano. In just a few moments, the battle was over. Mr Right collapsed into relaxing unconsciousness almost immediately.
This lines are really good .
But again Its too unclear to judge ! Please upload the full version .
Can you please review my work as well:
work.php?id=101303#c359123
You can extend it .
Its pretty unclear .
Apart from that its good .
But its really hard to grasp , share the full story ! This one is incomplete of course !
The use of words is awesome !
"Hurry Doctor! My spirit weakens with every passing moment," Mr Right said, clenching his fists.
Mr Right's moans escalated into screams. It was apparent that his soul was winning. It was only a matter of time before it slid out from Mr Right's body.
One long, loud scream erupted from Mr Right's mouth, like a burst of molten magma from a volcano. In just a few moments, the battle was over. Mr Right collapsed into relaxing unconsciousness almost immediately.
This lines are really good .
Can you please review my work as well:
work.php?id=101303#c359123
I love this!! Though, it could be a little longer, i think..
)
And Daemon? Is that a word? Love your spelling otherwise
Please do more stuff like this! I love these kind of stories.
(This is the first time i try this, i don't know how to do this..
Doctor!! I just kept expecting him to whip out his sonic screwdriver and for the Tardis to appear
I really want to know what they boy was going to say..what does it mean? Why wouldn't the demonic traits manifest itself physically in the person it's tethered to? And how did they get Mr Right's soul back after the first time it escaped? The lack of this information works for maintaining that mysterious mood. More!! I want to know!
This is seriously SUCH a brilliant idea. The tone of the piece is appropriately tense and your word choices and diction make me think of this stone walled chamber lit with torches and covered with anti-demonic symbols. The Doctor takes authority and knows what he's doing and you've done a great job at making him sound like an expert. The 'no no no' works very well in clarifying for the readers that these aren't actual demons they are fighting, and the fact that they are souls acting as demons is conveyed as an even scarier prospect because they don't know why it's happening.
I'm a bit confused at the beginning, I think it's supposed to be Mr Right who is strengthening his spirit.
If this is a chapter and you choose to end with "Yes Doctor", while it's not bad, it falls kind of flat. It somehow isn't dramatic enough and doesn't pull together the gravity of the whole chapter.
Other than that, the idea is brilliant and it's very well written. Please put up more !
Wow, this is a really awesome and creative short story! The only thing I found was one spelling mistake. You've spelled demon wrong unless you meant to for creative reasons. I would like to see a little more explanation as to why the souls are trying to escape or how Lucofer is getting that sliver of demon into the man's soul and such explanatory things as this. It's almost a little bland as far as description and imagery. Other then those few minor things it was pretty good
btw this would e an awesome novel if you have the patience for these kind of things.
Thanks for the review. 'Daemon' was intended, as it is truly a word.
Over all this is a really good short story, wish it wasn't a short story though, its really good.
Lover Of Emotions 
'way to infuse a daemon element into the souls'
'way to infuse a demon element into the souls'
'souls alaways find ways to escape'
'souls always find ways to escape'
Thanks for the review. 'Daemon' was intended, as it is truly a word.