Haven't written in a long while, so this is a bit choppy.
Darkness was intensifying. I could already envision my pupils dilating as a means to gain more light. I could only make up sketchy features of Adriana as she was waving her arms if front of her to find something to hold on to. I walked to her and held her hand. I could feel her shaking in fear of what was to come. Her vibrations caused me to begin to shake as well. But I could not allow myself to be shaken. I was supposed to be her shield, and yet I was clattering like I was made of thin steel - I had to be an aluminium.
We did not know how we found ourselves in that room. We all woke up at the same time to find ourselves lying on the floor of a large room - a room without windows or doors. The last thing I remembered was being in my car with my wife and our two kids. I was listening to my wife's narration of how my son gave his teacher too much trouble and, the next thing I knew, I was waking up in that cold exit-less room.
There was no way we could know how many days we had spent in that room. There was no way to tell the time. It quickly began to feel like eternity. The strange part was that nobody ever grew hungry or thirsty. Although we could not tell the time, it had been too long for no one to get hungry or thirsty. This was when Adriana began to rationalize a supernatural cause. She believed that we were in some kind of purgatory. I did not know whether to believe her or to refute her. How could I even refute her when there is no basis upon which I could do so?
It was after everyone had gotten to know each other that the darkness began to visit us. We would be sitting together, telling our personal stories when the room begins to dim until total darkness emerged. At first we thought our situation was changing and we were indeed dead and were slowly being expurgated from existence. However the darkness disappeared. The darkness always disappeared; and with it, one member of our group was always gone.
Initially we were seven; eventually, there were only two of us left - I and Adriana. I promised her I wouldn't let her go, and she promised the same. I held her tight. All my years as a physicist refuting life after death, and I was reduced to utter fear that made me hold the hand of a frightened lady, simply because I did not want to be blotted out of existence. Yes, I started to believe Adriana. I believed I had indeed died. There was no other explanation for my phenomenon. The experience was too vivid for me to be dreaming, or even hallucinating.
I awoke, cradled in a woman's arms. I did not know who she was. I tried to speak, but it seemed impossible. Years passed by and my past memories began to be recovered. I put the pieces together. I used to be Johan Schmidt, and now I am Jeremy Larkey. I have lived my second - my reincarnated - life searching for answers, and I have found most of them. I do not know how I have retained my memories from the latter part of my past life, or even those from my experiences in the room I found myself in. My curiosity made me dedicate my entire life to the scientific study of reincarnation. If man does not completely die, man has a right to know. Man does not need to fear the darkness anymore.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This isn't a bad short story. It's very easy to read. The idea isn't bad, but wasn't used well. It doesn't create much for me. Our main character wasn't well established much. He was just our character to get the idea of the darkness and the reincarnation. The other characters weren't much either, they were less important and only were here to provide their task. The ending too didn't gave much either. It just promises a sequel. I know you said this was choppy and was warned but what I said overall is basically what you need to improve if next involved in something similar.
It's straightforward to me the whole thing. The beginning is promising with it's details of Johan Schmidt and how he and Adriana were stuck and in fear. I pretty much was sucked in with the way you wrote that. After that it got a bit downgraded as I felt that the exitless room was basically limbo and that the darkness was death already to catch one of them and had assumed it so. If the darkness had captured Adriana then it would be a little different. Right now it doesn't do much, as always the main character goes through the trouble of the main force opposing force of the plot is a usual. I'd like to see what would happen if he had felt if she was gone and he was alone. That would be interesting or better yet switch to her perspective. Another thing was that how he suddenly he got here and his wife narration didn't felt necessary neither mentioning his two children. This would make it more vague and mysterious this way. It would totally change that atmosphere. Not bad but I'd would like you to try to put more fascinating aspect on it. It doesn't deliver that much.
Hi there abelgaiya! Niteowl here to review for Team Firebolts this fine Review Day!
Overall, I found this story interesting. Though short, it touches on that universal question of what happens when we die. It's a compelling tale.
That said, the transitions felt entirely too neat. One second, he's in a car, the next he's in Purgatory? It seems like he would have some memory of the crash (assuming that is how he died), the hospital, etc. It also again seems strange that he would just "wake up" at some point significantly after his actual rebirth.
I also think you could seriously expand on Adriana's character. I think it would be interesting to hear her story, especially since her previous life probably influences her beliefs in the dark room.
Another question: how are there only seven people? Thousands of people die and are born each day. Perhaps expanding on the other character's stories would shed light on this problem--maybe they have some common ground that keeps them in this small group?
Overall, it's an interesting idea to be sure, but it could do with some expansion to feel more realistic. Keep writing!
Hello and Happy Review Day! I'll go through any nitpicks I find first, then I'll get to the good parts.
I was supposed to be her shield, and yet I was clattering like I was made of thin steel - I had to be an aluminium.
This is a cool line, it sounds like a song to be honest. I like the wording and imagery. The only thing I'd change is thin steel. Steel is generally quite strong. Perhaps think of another metal.
There was no way we could know how many days we had spent in that room.
I'm a little confused, are his wife and children in the room with him? Why doesn't he get very upset when they disappear?
This was very interesting and well written! I love the idea of reincarnation so it was cool to read a short story about it. Is this based on a dream or something you've experienced? I'd love to know your personal thoughts on the topic.
Man does not need to fear the darkness anymore.
This last line was definitely my favourite. Keep writing!
Hey abelgaiya! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
*Happy Review Day!
For starters I want to point out the things I liked. I like the beginning where there was the description of everything. The holding on the you wife's hands, the way they shook, and the way you r character's did too. This could have so many answers! It is amazing! At the beginning I thought that they had died because that made sense to me, but the great thing is, it can change depending on the reader! I love that kinda what happens can be for the reader! My favorite part is where you describe how you be stuck in an " exit-less room" . This was great, and exactly how I would have done it! Good for you!
One thing I would change for the reader is explaining where their child went! You said they had a child- but where is he? This one thing confused me, so I would ad that in! I feel that it would clear that up for the reader, giving them an answer!
I love how in the end Johan reincarnates, and can realize that he is dead. The way that you made everything make sense in the end was impeccable! The way inn the end the reader's like "Oh, when they disappeared from the room- it means the were reborn!" I wish though that you can do more with this- like add a part two! It can be where he tries to find his reincarnated wife, and if they meet again- AMAZING!
Hope this helps! That was wonderful, and was not as 'choppy' as you said it would be! It was delightful! Yay! Keep writing!