He was supposed to be dead; yet he found himself lying on the dust of the earth, staring at the sun. His eyes were not perturbed by the brightness of the sun's rays, neither was he stung by the ants that marched around him.
Something was wrong. Jacob remembered having his throat slit. He remembered as he held the cut in a futile attempt to stop the spurting blood from pouring any more. How come he was still alive? How come there was neither pain nor scar on his neck? Where was he? How had he gotten there? Questions compounded upon questions; while there was no one around to quash them.
"Jacob"
The voice seemed to come from behind him. Jacob turned around and beheld a six-foot fair-complexioned man wearing a long white robe of an unusually bright and stainless nature. The man had eyes the colour of an emerald, and hair of silky gold. His presence seemed to diffuse a sense of security and divinity which Jacob felt.
"Who are you? How do you know me?" Jacob asked with a questionable look.
"Do not be afraid, Jacob. I am Sabrael, the sixth of the archangels of Shamayim, and guard of the First Heaven." The angel spoke, without moving his hands. He stood as though he was a statue.
Jacob's quizzical look grew as he heard this. Maybe he was really dead, and he was in front of an angel who came to take his spirit elsewhere. Jacob was a strong believer in the spiritual, especially in the doctrines of the Christian Bible and the apocrypha. He used to study a lot of ancient texts from various countries and ancient cultures in order to find common grounds which would help him theorize the real systems of the spiritual realm.
"Angel Sabrael, are you here to take me to heaven?"
"I'm sorry, Jacob, but the Holy One has a different plan for you."
"A different plan?" Jacob responded. His confusion was becoming greater. "Or am I to go to Tartarus?" He asked, holding his chest in slight horror.
"No, Jacob; the Holy One has commanded me to prepare you to live again, as a spirit, and to become his witness."
"As a spirit? A witness? I don't understand. I thought once a person dies, they go to heaven or hell."
"Yes, but times are ending, and the Holy One requires witnesses, as foretold in the book of revelation in the scriptures."
Jacob's heart raced. He knew very well what the angel meant by witness. It is stated in Revelation 11:3: 'And I will give power to my two witnesses, and they will prophesy one thousand two hundred and sixty days, clothed in sackcloth. These are the two olive trees and the two lamp-stands standing before the God of the earth. And if anyone wants to harm them, fire proceeds from their mouth and devours their enemies. And if anyone wants to harm them, he must be killed in this manner. These have power to shut heaven, so that no rain falls in the days of their prophecy; and they have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to strike the earth with all plagues, as often as they desire.'
"You and the second witness shall prepare the earth for the coming of the Son. You shall battle with the armies of Beelzebuub, and fight against the principalities and powers of the earth. You have been given the strength of ten thousand prophets of the Holy One. You shall command the clouds to gather and they shall do so. You shall command the mountains to jump into the seas, and they shall obey you. You shall expel demons with just a single word, and invoke the force of the almighty upon legions of demons."
Jacob was startled. His ears throbbed as it tried to draw in the information being passed across. He was to be greater than Moses who caused the Red Sea to part in two; greater than Elijah who caused fire to fall from Heaven; but why him? He was not the most righteous person. Why was he bequeathed with such immense power?
The angel, heard his thoughts and spoke.
"You were chosen, even before your birth, to become a witness. Your destiny was schematised even before your great-grandparents met. This is why you have been protected since your earthly life began in your mother's womb. The angels of the first heaven were tasked with shielding you from the corruption of the earth and the stings of demons. This is why you chose not to be like most of the other denizens of the earth - we conditioned you to make that decision."
Jacob sighed. His life's purpose had just been revealed to him. He knew what he must do; he knew what he must be. But there were still some questions in need of answers.
"You say I am a spirit. How am I supposed to interact with the physical world?"
"The physical is all made up of subatomic particles, vibrating at different speeds. These speeds define an element's state of matter. Spirits are made of a different kind of particle which has two components: an active pnesomata, which is what makes us spiritual; and a dormant pysomata, which enables us to change form into physical. By causing, with the mind, your dormant pysomata to become active, you deactivate the pnesomata, and therefore become a physical being. You can change your states of matter by causing your pysomata to vibrate at faster speeds. That way, you can become fire to your enemies, water to your pursuant, and wind to those who battle you."
Jacob never imagined the spiritual world, which he read about from ancient texts, to be so scientific.
"Dear Jacob, are you ready?" The angel asked.
Jacob straightened his trunk, and slightly pushed out his chest.
"I am ready"
"Then, with the authority of almighty Jehovah, and as one of the holy archangels, I declare your name to be Ramath, witness of the Lord God; fighter of evil and warlord of the heavens!"
A bright light fell from the sky upon Jacob. Almost immediately, the light jumped back into the sky. Jacob looked around and found the angel gone. He gazed at his body, and he was clad in a long white unstained robe, similar to the one worn by the angel. The robe was held at the waist by a rope, on which was written: ×¢× (Witness)
Hey abelgaiya! Here to review your piece.
Okay, so what I liked about this was your pacing. I thought that it slowed really well, the ideas were easy to understand- and yet not very simplistic either. It wasn't too long or too short, this I guess is to do with the lengths of your sentences. I've read many works where they have very similar length sentences, and it just makes it rather boring. However, you've done well do avoid that so well done!
My main issue with this piece I think is the lack of imagery. I mean so much is going on, and we learn so much about this different world that you've kind of forgotten to use your descriptions! I think especially with supernatural and fantasy type things you need to use more imagery, because the reader really needs to have a feel for the world it is. Start by thinking about the setting, I'm guessing it's not going to look like a high street. Really describe it, obviously not giving away too much for your first chapter. Also, characters! Try and describe your characters a bit more, remembering to show and not tell.
A specific thing I'd like to mention is that I don't think your MC, Jacob seems shocked enough that he's been approached by an angel and is now going to become a witness. Especially if, and from what I've gathered here, that he didn't know it at all!
I think more than a sigh is needed here to express how Jacob feels. I mean this is a really big deal.
And what I didn't like is from this point on in the story, the dialogue between the two characters doesn't seem very natural, and rather something just put there to help explain and work with the plot better. These things can be explained with interior monologues too! I just thought it was quite a lot to take in for a first chapter, and perhaps some of this information could be moved to a later point in the story? Just a suggestion.
I hope this helped. Please PM me with the next part!
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
When I began to read this, I thought the "he" was someone else that the main character was speaking of. I immediately became intrigued because of this. When you introduced that it was Jacob who was speaking of himself, I became more intrigued and immediately wanted to continue reading. Good job on that.
Sarah
"The physical is all made up of subatomic particles, vibrating at different speeds. These speeds define an element's state of matter."
I had a major case of Deja Vu when I read this. I had seen it in a dream in this exact place. Just thought I should let you know.
The paragraph mentioned above was a little confusing to me. It sounded very scientific to me and it didn't fit with the spirituality of the rest of the piece.
I personally liked this piece very much. It was very well written and the entire idea of it was written out perfectly. I would have liked to be given more detail or more of a story on why Jacob was chosen and how. Maybe write it as if someone who is very unfamiliar with any spiritual anything is reading it.That might even bring a little more life into the piece.
All in all, I think you did a fantastic job on this. Keeep on writing
Drop this into two lines, as shown above. It brings more impact to the opening lines of your tale - arguably the most important of the entire piece.
I love the imagery of the ants marching around a prone body.
Gross. "How come" is a very, very modern phrase. Try "why" instead. It's more concise and doesn't detract from the tone of the narration.
Seemed to? It did, according to the next line. Go with "The voice came from behind him."
Capitalize as shown. Titles are important and showcase his importance in return.
More gross modern language. "He studied many ancient texts..."
The scripture need not be bolded. Italics works nicely, or no formatting at all.
"Beelzebub"
Love the concept. Everyone loves an an becoming relevant to the universe.
-D