The Last Breath of Fire Chapter Two [Revised]

Hello, Zont. Wolf here for a review.

You're really trying to make this hard on me, aren't you? This is so good, I can't even believe it. Your descriptions are amazing, really bringing the scenes to life, and I'm very happy that you use more than just sight to describe everything.

So, most of these things are going to be really minor. Like first off, why was Lea describing the room in the beginning? Yeah, sure, I can understand that you did that for the readers to understand where they were and what was happening, but if she's already been in the room for long enough to treat him and start reading, wouldn't she already know the layout? Don't force in descriptions just for the sake of the reader. With that, the description came later on when most of the time in that room was finished.

This is something I always have to pick on. From the way the book reads, it makes me wonder, what about the females? Can females not be dragonriders? In the book excerpt in the beginning it starts off with 'when he is born' and then the next line you try to neutralize it by saying 'one'. Then it goes back to all male. Sure it's something that most people don't think about often, but it's still important to acknowledge.

“I found you on the ground grass, outside town.”

Well, which is it? It's possible to be both, but it just sounds a little awkward. Also, in the end of chapter one, weren't there two girls talking above him?

That's basically it. I love how in the end you leave us off wondering who in the world Lea is (Mwuhahaha, I already know!) and why the guard would let her in so easily. I sort of wish this was Jacob's perspective so we can get his reaction first hand, but this still fills us in with a mysterious element added in. Can't wait for the next part! Enjoy your review day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare

Greetings Zontafer!
First and formost, Happy Review Day! And now that I've got THAT of my chest, I think it's time we get to the serious stuff. The review.
Well, let me tell you that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, but I am a little in the dark about the book Lea in the baginning. Usually if a writer includes written pieces in their works because it has relevance to the chapter in which it is. But the only relevance I could (possibly) encounter was the symptoms that she might or might not have. I presume that you are going clarify that in the following chapters, but I just wanted to notify youvof my confusion.
I like the way you describe Lea's surroundings, as well as the way you use her senses to describe it. You placed in the harbour town alongside her as she made her way to the stables. May I just ask (if it won't intrude in piece) that you can give Lea's horse a name and describe him/her a bit to the reader.
The piece wasn't all sunshine and roses, though (pardon the pun)
There were a few errors I encountered. (emphasis on few)

Outside the room, she met a simple hallway; light up by sunlight streaming through the windows and casting light upon the brown walls.

The first "light" in that sentence should be "lit".
The following is actually just a nitpick:

A scent of saltwater floated in the fresh air, along with drizzle lightly whipping down in her face.

I would state that sentence as follows:

The scent of salwater hang/drifted in the fresh air, a light drizzle caressing/stroking Lea's face.

And the finally "error" I could encounter.

"That will be eighteen silver coins," he demanded. "Including hay and water."

There has to be a comma after demanded; he is still speaking, after all.
After all of this, I can only say that this is some extraordinary piece of work. I will thus give you 8.5 out of ten. Looking forward to read the rest of this novel.

Sincerely,
The Wandering Wizard