Far across the lands of east, the sun rose, spreading daylight all over the green, misty land. Jacob, a soldier of nineteen, had the last watch of the night. It was simply the worst watch, he thought, since it required one to wake up at the earliest.
The infantry had settled down by a shallow river, covered in fog. As commanded earlier, he grasped his horn from its container on the belt and drew his breath, ready to blow it. However, he didn’t blow it. He stopped to listen when something sounded from the river.
Movement.
Immediately, he sat course for the camp and blew his horn. One symbolized dawn, two meant an attack were upon them. He blew twice.
“We are under attack!” he screamed for everyone to hear.
Jacob glanced behind his back to check on the enemy. His brown eyes met another blue pair, cold as ice. There were no coats of arms seen, which was an uncommon sight. First, he wondered why, but soon after, it all came together.
Thieves and outlaws.
Battle screams voiced from both sides, his part screaming “Henry VII!” and “For Henry!” The outlaws must have been somewhere around seventy or eighty men, whilst the defending side counted fifty-eight. Not all of them were even soldiers.
Equipped with a leather quiver, he snatched his shortbow and attached an arrow to the string. He drew back, found a target, and loosed. The arrow flew through the air and pierced the man right through his throat, sending him to the ground.
Even though they were outnumbered, there was only one thing that Jacob thought of, and that was their objective. That was to bring a shrine from York to London, and not just any shrine. Whatever it was, it was secret and important. If they succeeded, a great amount of coin would come to their hands, and that was exactly what he needed for his family.
He ran for the biggest tent of them all, where the general sleeps. Prepared to protect the tent at any price, the general had placed a pair of guards outside.
“I need to speak to the general,” Jacob demanded.
“The general ordered us to let no one inside,” the tallest replied.
“You can tell the general that everyone here will die, and the shrine will be stolen unless he lets me in. Now."
The men looked at each other, before the second one moved to the side. “Let him pass.”
To Jacob’s surprise, the general was packing. When he spotted Jacob, his pupils went big. “Oh, Jacob. What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here?” he repeated. “Why are you here and not out there fighting?”
“I need to flee with the shrine, for the King,” he answered with their objective in his hand.
For the King? Jacob felt furious at him. He could not believe that he was going away with the shrine alone, leaving everyone here to die.
“Oh yeah? How do you feel about leaving everyone else, just all right? I don’t. You should be fighting, not packing!”
Outside, they heard the sound of metal hitting metal. Light leather was his only protection with a tabard on top, carrying the sigil of the Tudor rose, a white rose inside a larger red one.
“Do you realize what you have done?” the general spit at him in anger.
Jacob drew his sword. “Hand over the shrine.”
“You know I can’t.” He started walking backwards.
“Don’t make me take it by force,” he warned him as a man fell through the entrance. It was one of the guards, or, it had been one of the guards.
The next thing he knew, the general and he were in a dual combat. One of them endeavoured an overhead at him. He rose his sword sideways to his right shoulder in a successful parry, forcing the other blade away. As soon as he had parried the attack, he cut from the right, then from the left, causing his opponent to stand in a defensive position.
The general on the other hand, seemed to struggle a bit more. He had already received a light blow at his left arm making him nearly incapable of fighting. At least two more voices sounded outside as they fought. He prayed that they were friendly.
The other man then rose his sword to stroke from above, but Jacob came close upon him and blocked. They held the position for a while, before he pressed the sword away and grabbed his rondel dagger. He gripped the circular knob tightly and drove it into the side of his target’s neck. Blood spurted everywhere and the man fell dead.
Before Jacob could react, another outlaw entered the tent and thrust forward in a stab at Jacob. He tried to dodge it by stepping to the right, but it failed.
The cold steel dug into his flesh right next to his ribs, sending him down on his knees. He instantly moved his hand over the wound in an attempt to lessen the pain that had struck him. This wasn’t the first time he’d been badly hurt in battle, but each time the pain felt the same; unbearable. His chestnut brown eyes shifted from his opponent, to the general, and back to his opponent again.
The general had fallen to the ground, fatal wounded or dead, he did not know. He only knew that the shrine was now free to take, and his parents would continue to live their lives as poor and hard-working farmers. That was the last thing he thought as he drew his last breath.
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“Did you find it?” a voice asked.
“Barely anything left, but I found enough for a dose,” another replied, both of them obviously females.
One of them walked across a wooden floor, towards him. He laid in a soft feather bed, his armour gone, along with the rest of his weapons.
Jacob opened his eyes, a strong lighting blending him. Through his blurry vision, he saw a woman facing her back to him pouring a transparent liquid into some green powder. He tried lifting himself up from the bed, but the pain demanded him to lay down again with a groan.
“He’s awake,” the brunette reported to the other one. She mixed the contents together in a bowl poured it over into a glass flask.
“How many drops are needed?” the same woman asked. They had a similar appearance, but the one who had just spoken was by far the prettiest with her slightly curly, dark brown hair.
“Three should do the job; just make sure you don’t give him any more than so. Too much of it can kill him.”
She walked towards him, and for a couple seconds, they exchanged looks. Her deep blue eyes acted as an aura to him, making him more relaxed. It all felt as he could see straightforward into her soul. He once realized that the eyes were honest and truthful.
She blinked and moved the flask above his wound. “This might hurt, but you’ll thank me later,” she spoke softly.
Carefully, she dripped three drops into his stomach, and it all felt like the moment he’d been stabbed.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
YOUR DOOM IS NEAR AT HAND(don't read that little glitch, btw) XD
Well for one it started out with me feeling confused. Mostly because of the mention of Henry the VII and from what I understand this has dragons, and it's also labeled as fantasy. I know I'm going to be finding out exactly what's going on in the future, but I'd just like to say, NO FAIR!!!! I wanted to know more... XD
I remember you also telling me that you were researching medieval weapons and warfare and NOW I know why. In a sense though, I'm not surprised, but whenever I think about fantasy I never really associate it with medieval times, but really just focus on the fantasy creatures that are usually so popular. XD Either your plot is super weird or super good.
Well, one particular way of making the thought stick out more--for the reader that is--, is to put it into italics. So I placed the thought process into italics, and left the dialogue tag the same. That's normally how it's done.
Typo
Was a typo that required some attention.
Oh, is an obedient one, isn't he? XD I think you're missing a word right here, Zon. I put it in reeeeeedd. As I read it, I kept getting this impression of this bucket being drawn out of a well, full of wispy clouds! (You're forbidden to laugh about that) BUT, if you put "in" there, then I got the impression that his lungs were "filling" with air. XD
Saying blow it twice installs redundancy, and the second one isn't actually necessary. The one way that I always tell people on how to avoid little bits of redundancy, is to just read it aloud to themselves. Usually the parts that are redundant will stick out and you'll be able to fix them.
Alright, now one spot that I thought was a little lacking in general emotion was the part when he's standing in front of the tent talking to the two soldiers that are guarding. His dialogue was pretty good, although in order to make some of it seem even more forceful you could use italics in some places. What I really wanted to see more is MUCH MORE description of facial expressions. Emotion through dialogue is a good way to go, but as this work is kept going through mainly action, I would think that you would be more descriptive of their thoughts and emotions. So facial expressions would help that out, and would also help set up your character better.
The one other thing that I think needs a little work, is the setting of the scene. For the setting of the scene, you had basically two lines in the beginning. Now normally I would think that, that is fine. But in this case, I don't think so. For one, you have a battle being played out here. For another the reader doesn't have a clear picture of what's going on, inside their heads if the scene isn't WELL set up. For instance:
Here is a good opportunity to put in some description. Describe the banking, describe where EXACTLY they are settled, you could also maybe put in a word or two about, perhaps there's some soldier's sitting outside their tents or maybe just another lone solider is somewhere around the premise. I know you said he was the one on watch, but there's probably one or two soldiers around, right?
Also, would there only be ONE soldier on watch? As I don't know anything about that kind of thing, I can only suggest researching it to make sure. I for one, wouldn't put ONE soldier out, and would probably have two or three, or even four or five! XD Just my opinion, but make sure you research that in order to be sure.
The only thing that I can really say in order to spice up battle sequences would be (I'm horrible at them, so I probably won't be that big a help) to use the Five Senses with your descriptions. For instance, he falls to the ground with a wound. So make a mention of the feeling of grass or dirt on his hand, or the feel of the dirt hitting his knees. Also, you can describe what the wind feels like against his face, and just a basic reaction to an action that has happened throughout. If there's an action, there's going to be a reaction, and you can usually fit that in, with a mention of one of the Five Senses.
Well I hope that was all clear to you, and if not then PM me and I'll explain further in depth
for your young and fragile mind.Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thaaaaank you, Therese! ^_^
I'll take your advices further on when editing!
Especially the one with the five senses. :p
And yeah, there was actually another one on watch, on the other side. I should probably mention that. xD
Thanks again, it really helped! ^_^
- Zontafer
No problem Zontafer! TAG ME WHEN THE NEXT ONE COMES OUT OR I'LL KILL YOU. XD
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. What happened to all your other parts, huh? Didn't we have this talk about not starting the draft over until you can't get anything else out of it? I'm probably going to be a total hypocrite, but my advice stands! Man, I wanted to see where Jacob would go.
Hello, Zontafer. Wolf here for a review. (Have to get my introduction out of the way.)
Be careful for redundancy. I have two examples, the first being the very first sentence. As pointed out ealier, the word 'land' was used twice in that one sentence, just repeating the meaning unnecessarily. Another point where this happened is when he blew the horn. In the sentence before it was very clearly stated that two blows meant an attack, and then he blew twice. Then he goes to yell that they're under attack. What? Did he not just state that by blowing the horn, twice? Just seems too repetitive in my opinion.
Another place that tripped me up was when he discovered that there were 'no coat of arms.' So I saw the word arms and immediately assumed that they had no weapons. This is obviously not the case. Yes, I understand what a coat of arms is, but I still recommend clearing that, because I only noticed that when I reread this. Are they wearing armor or wielding sheilds? Where would a coat of arms usually be? Maybe try to add a tiny explanation of what a coat of arms is exactly, like that it's not on a shield someone has.
When Jacob was talking with the General (if that's his title, I think it has to be capitalized, but I'm not sure), it suddenly darkened with the General saying, "Do you realize what you have done?" something along those lines. I'm really confused at this point. What did Jacob do? The sentence before that line kind of confused me. Who is he? Jacob or the General? They are both male so you have to clarify these kinds of things. Back to my original point, the scene change was sudden. I think something might've been left out, but, from what I understand, Jacob didn't do anything against the General.
Final thing, again transition, something was said about Jacob's last breath or something. I understand he just passed out, but I would recommend adding starts or things between that last line of the paragraph and the next paragraph. The time switch was super sudden and it's hard to tell things like that in regular paragraphs. It would make it easier on us readers.
I can tell your extensive research on sword fighting coming out, and that scene was really well written! You do a nice job of establishing what's going on between them in a clear way that we are almost watching it. Great job on that.
This is seriously a sharp contrast to the last first chapter. I'm curious as to what's going on. Has Jacob gone to the other world yet? Who are these girls? I'm very intrigued. Plot is not the only difference for the better, and I see your writing style has changed quite a bit since then. It has more of, I don't know, kind of a flowery touch, but it really reads and flows well! I really enjoyed this and I hope to see more. Maybe similarities from the last draft will come in soon. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Thaaaaaaaanks! ^^
Seriously, I did not notice I used 'land' two times in the FIRST sentence? O.o
I'll also edit that sentence, so it gives more sense.
About the coat of arms, it is usually on the shield or the tabard, I'll clear that up as well.
I also add a 'line' between da thing we he was on the ground in WORD, but Word clearly did not want me to keep it as I copied it over.
Oh, the General was kind of slowed down by Jacob, so that's why he asked him the question. I'll edit that so it makes more sense. c'x
Most of your questions will be answered in the next chapter, while hopefully some new will be asked.
Thanks again! ^_^
- Zontafer
Howdy! Nice to meet you! This'll be my first review for today.
The Good-
-First off, good job leading the story with a cold open. We don't know what's going on yet. That's good. You should always spoon feed your readers with the details they'll need to know slowly, and with precision. How precise you need to be depends on you. That said, what is the shrine? Who is the King? What are these lands of the East? I wanna know.
-Your descriptions of combat are pretty good. Engaging, and fairly realistic.
The Meh-
Pretty much all of the negative I found with this excerpt is the language. I'll give you a few examples so you know what I'm talking about.
"Far across the lands of east, the sun rose, spreading daylight all over the green, misty land."
This sentence is jumbled, and also slightly redundant. I would write it as "The sun rose over the lands of the East (Directions are always capitalized), casting its warmth upon all that was green and earthly." or something. Just think of something to fill up this "green, misty land" which is in the "lands of east." What kind of land are we talkin' here? Is this a forest? A plains? Rocky hills with some moss?
"Jacob glanced behind his back to check on the enemy. His brown eyes met another blue pair, cold as ice. There were no coats of arms seen, which was an uncommon sight. First, he wondered why, but soon after, it all came together"
I think you could do without the last couple sentences. "Jacob glanced behind his back, monitoring the enemy, and calculating. His own brown eyes met another pair, blue and ice cold. Despite his efforts, he could not make out a coat of arms. A thief, or an outlaw, most likely."
"The next thing he knew, the general and he were in a dual combat. One of them endeavoured an overhead at him. He rose his sword sideways to his right shoulder in a successful parry, forcing the other blade away. As soon as he had parried the attack, he cut from the right, then from the left, causing his opponent to stand in a defensive position."
There's a lot wrong with this section, so I'll try not to push any buttons. Instead of confusing pronoun placement, I would go with "In that instant, he was locked in a duel with the general." The general and he is not quite proper grammar. The way you're describing this fight scene is good, but it lacks oomph. Try "causing his opponent to shift backwards into a more defensive position" or "causing him to go on the defensive."
Last thing I would have to say is the actual language of the characters themselves. I'm not sure if we're in a medieval fantasy or in a more modern context. This is ultimately your call as far as the language goes, but I would go for something more authentic and true to the setting of your story.
Always keep in mind the structure of your sentences, and what can be considered "fat" and in needing of a trim! I'm still learning this myself. Cheers! If you'd like to pop in and give my chapter a review, I'd be thrilled.
Thanks a lot for you review!
I'll definitely take your advices further on when editing, specially the language part!
Thanks again! :3
- Zontafer
Okay, here's my second review for today. Nice too meet you and first off great story. I'm loving it so far. I'm not the best at reviewing but I'll do my job the best that I can.
1.) In the sentence where it says "Jacob opened his eyes, a strong lighting blending him." I thing you meant to say, Jacob opened his eyes, a strong light blinding him.
2.) I feel like you should give us a little more detail. Not with the characterization or with the fight scene, but with the environment. Like how another reviewer stated on my story. "Where are they? What does it look like? What does the General look like?" stuff like that.
Other than those two things I don't think I have anything else to say. I like what you've do so far and can't wait until the next update.
Good Work and Happy writing!
Thanks a lot! I seem to always forget the biggest details *facepalms*
Do you want to be tagged for the next chapters? ^^
Thanks again.
- Zontafer
Sure thanks.