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The Forgotten Kingdom of Ora - Chapter 3

by Zeno


Suddenly Elsa felt dizzy and disoriented. Her legs wouldn't hold her up and she collapsed onto the ground. She tried to push herself up, but she could feel her strength fading away. She could not understand what was happening as her mind was foggy. Without her realising it, she was floating.

Elsa was floating above the structure.

Elsa was filled with fear, her mind raced as she could not feel her legs or arms. She could not sense her body at all! She felt nothing, as if she had become a mere spirit. Her vision turned black, pitch black. She could not see, move nor think; she was paralyzed in this state of nothingness.

When the darkness and numbness receded and Elsa was able to feel again, the first sensation she felt was a pounding headache, followed by a dull pain throughout her body. The pain was intense but mercifully brief, and Elsa was relieved as it subsided.

Elsa looked around and realised she was not in the forest anymore. She was in a dark room. No, a dark alley. There were torches on both sides of the alley wall to provide lighting; they didn’t do a good job as Elsa could barely see the path. The musty smell of the alley filled her nose. She took a step forward, and a click-clacking sound was audible, growing louder with each step. She could see cobwebs lingering at the corner wall of the alley. Cautiously, she walked towards the wall while trying to suppress her fear.

As she reached the wall of the alley, she touched it and found out that it was also made out of cobblestone, just like the structure she had found in the forest. “Am I trapped inside the structure?” she thought, and a sense of panic rose in her chest. “This has to be magic. Only a sorcerer can help me now,” she thought again.

But how could she find a sorcerer in this mysterious, unexplored place? Even back in the kingdom, sorcerers were hard to acquire. They only answered to the king and only aided in wars, not for personal matters. Elsa had only heard about the sorcerers. She was only told how powerful and magical they were; she had never encountered one.

“I need to find a way out of this place first,” Elsa thought to herself. Then, she reached for her bow, but the bow she found on the floor was strange and definitely not hers.

Her original bow was made from bamboo, but this one was made from maple wood and the ends of the bow were glowing. Glowing rings - which were not present on her original bow - were now on this new bow. She grabbed it nevertheless despite curiosity and fear chaotically disrupting her thoughts. The glowing rings seemed to respond to her actions as they glowed slightly brighter after she touched the bow. She then reached for the bowstring slowly. An arrow materialised on the bow in the position of ready to be fired. The tip of the arrow was also shining a bright white.

Elsa realised that this must be an enchanted bow, a type of weapon provided by the sorcerers and only used by the elite warriors of Ora.

Elsa's mind was filled with a multitude of questions: where was she? Why had her original bow been replaced with an enchanted one? What was the structure she had touched in the forest? Was it even possible for her to find a way out of this alley and reunite with her father? Despite her fear and confusion, she held onto the enchanted bow and set out to explore this mysterious place, determined to find answers and a way back home.

As Elsa walked, she looked left and right but all she could see were identical cobblestone walls. The clicking sound of her steps grew louder and louder and she could hear growls in the distance. After a long walk, she finally reached a junction. Two paths stretched out before her, one to the left and one to the right.

This was not just an alley. This was a dungeon.


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Sun Jan 29, 2023 5:49 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello! And Happy Review Day! I hope you're having a great one!

I loved how you described the setting in this chapter! I felt a tad claustrophobic while reading this, which is a job well done on your part! I particularly liked this line-

There were torches on both sides of the alley wall to provide lighting; they didn’t do a good job as Elsa could barely see the path.


-as it painted a super clear picture in my head!

I'm also fascinated by what this tells us about The Kingdom of Ora, and the world at large. Judging by Elsa's reaction, this whole thing almost seems like a common occurrence. It reminds me a bit of fairy tale logic, where the character is presented with a strange and unusual obstacle, and has to find a strange and unusual way to overcome it. (I dunno if that makes sense, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying)

I still felt a little disconnected from Elsa. I noticed you gear a lot more towards telling than showing, particularly when it comes to what your main character is feeling at any given moment. For example, here-

The pain was intense but mercifully brief, and Elsa was relieved as it subsided.


-you flat out tell us what she's feeling, rather than showing us.

Still, I liked how we are presented with a clear objective. I appreciate that the stakes have been well established early on, and look forward to seeing how Elsa will overcome them! What secrets might this dungeon hold?

All in all, well done! I hope you have an excellent Review Day! :D




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Fri Jan 27, 2023 12:15 am
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hey, there! Just here to review.
"Suddenly Elsa felt dizzy and disoriented. Her legs wouldn't hold her up and she collapsed onto the ground. She tried to push herself up, but she could feel her strength fading away. She could not understand what was happening as her mind was foggy. Without her realising it, she was floating.

Elsa was floating above the structure."
That's a pretty good beginning here- although at first the reader is a bit confused, the second line makes me understand.

"Elsa looked around and realised she was not in the forest anymore. She was in a dark room. No, a dark alley. There were torches on both sides of the alley wall to provide lighting; they didn’t do a good job as Elsa could barely see the path. The musty smell of the alley filled her nose. She took a step forward, and a click-clacking sound was audible, growing louder with each step. She could see cobwebs lingering at the corner wall of the alley. Cautiously, she walked towards the wall while trying to suppress her fear."
ooh nice describing there. Just remember that realized has a Z not a s. I'm automatically wondering where Elsa is... suspense!!!👏

"Her original bow was made from bamboo, but this one was made from maple wood and the ends of the bow were glowing. Glowing rings - which were not present on her original bow - were now on this new bow. She grabbed it nevertheless despite curiosity and fear chaotically disrupting her thoughts. The glowing rings seemed to respond to her actions as they glowed slightly brighter after she touched the bow. She then reached for the bowstring slowly. An arrow materialised on the bow in the position of ready to be fired. The tip of the arrow was also shining a bright white."
oh at first I had no idea what her bow was made of, but now that her bow is magical, there has to be someone up with all of this. By the way, you misspelled 'materialized.'

"As Elsa walked, she looked left and right but all she could see were identical cobblestone walls. The clicking sound of her steps grew louder and louder and she could hear growls in the distance. After a long walk, she finally reached a junction. Two paths stretched out before her, one to the left and one to the right.

This was not just an alley. This was a dungeon."
What? gigantic cliffhanger. You put us wanting more, as usual and wondering what happens next. OVERALL: great job, once again! I loved it.
keep up the good work
foxmaster




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Tue Jan 24, 2023 6:53 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a solid chapter three here, I think it picks up from chapter two very well and answers just enough questions to go ahead and open up a bunch more new questions for us, which is great to see in parts like this. Loved the bit of a cliffhanger we had for the ending too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Suddenly Elsa felt dizzy and disoriented. Her legs wouldn't hold her up and she collapsed onto the ground. She tried to push herself up, but she could feel her strength fading away. She could not understand what was happening as her mind was foggy. Without her realising it, she was floating.

Elsa was floating above the structure.

Elsa was filled with fear, her mind raced as she could not feel her legs or arms. She could not sense her body at all! She felt nothing, as if she had become a mere spirit. Her vision turned black, pitch black. She could not see, move nor think; she was paralyzed in this state of nothingness.


OOooh well this is quite the move here. I was not entirely certain what sort of magic we were about to see play out here, but this one seemed to be fairly likely, although the floating up on top of being somewhat paralyzed is not something I was quite expecting to see here. Definitely a great place here to start things off.

When the darkness and numbness receded and Elsa was able to feel again, the first sensation she felt was a pounding headache, followed by a dull pain throughout her body. The pain was intense but mercifully brief, and Elsa was relieved as it subsided.

Elsa looked around and realised she was not in the forest anymore. She was in a dark room. No, a dark alley. There were torches on both sides of the alley wall to provide lighting; they didn’t do a good job as Elsa could barely see the path. The musty smell of the alley filled her nose. She took a step forward, and a click-clacking sound was audible, growing louder with each step. She could see cobwebs lingering at the corner wall of the alley. Cautiously, she walked towards the wall while trying to suppress her fear.


Well that definitely seems like a pretty creepy place there. The description does not suggest it's going to be particularly pleasant to try and walk about on. Or at the very least it doesn't seem the type of place one can walk on without expecting something to jump out and try to eat you.

As she reached the wall of the alley, she touched it and found out that it was also made out of cobblestone, just like the structure she had found in the forest. “Am I trapped inside the structure?” she thought, and a sense of panic rose in her chest. “This has to be magic. Only a sorcerer can help me now,” she thought again.

But how could she find a sorcerer in this mysterious, unexplored place? Even back in the kingdom, sorcerers were hard to acquire. They only answered to the king and only aided in wars, not for personal matters. Elsa had only heard about the sorcerers. She was only told how powerful and magical they were; she had never encountered one.

“I need to find a way out of this place first,” Elsa thought to herself. Then, she reached for her bow, but the bow she found on the floor was strange and definitely not hers.


Well you can certainly see Elsa's training coming in here and we can believe a little of all of those declarations that were made back in chapter one. Elsa does seem to know her way around being in a bad situation and she's doing her best to try and respond to the situation she is in and figure out a way to try and get out of it safely.

Her original bow was made from bamboo, but this one was made from maple wood and the ends of the bow were glowing. Glowing rings - which were not present on her original bow - were now on this new bow. She grabbed it nevertheless despite curiosity and fear chaotically disrupting her thoughts. The glowing rings seemed to respond to her actions as they glowed slightly brighter after she touched the bow. She then reached for the bowstring slowly. An arrow materialised on the bow in the position of ready to be fired. The tip of the arrow was also shining a bright white.

Elsa realised that this must be an enchanted bow, a type of weapon provided by the sorcerers and only used by the elite warriors of Ora.


Ooooh I love the description of this bow here. Quite quickly we can see its definitely not any ordinary weapon, and it affirms the observation that Elsa makes here quite nicely. I think that combines really well here to perhaps add a touch of hope into the mix while at the same time making things a bit more mysterious and scary.

Elsa's mind was filled with a multitude of questions: where was she? Why had her original bow been replaced with an enchanted one? What was the structure she had touched in the forest? Was it even possible for her to find a way out of this alley and reunite with her father? Despite her fear and confusion, she held onto the enchanted bow and set out to explore this mysterious place, determined to find answers and a way back home.

As Elsa walked, she looked left and right but all she could see were identical cobblestone walls. The clicking sound of her steps grew louder and louder and she could hear growls in the distance. After a long walk, she finally reached a junction. Two paths stretched out before her, one to the left and one to the right.

This was not just an alley. This was a dungeon.


OOoh that's a lovely place to end there. I think it makes for the perfect little combo of a bit more hope with Elsa gearing up to take this on and thinking of getting back with her father combining with the terror of how impossible it seems and how it appears to be a dungeon, which definitely isn't a great place to be.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a lovely place to develop this mysterious new place and establish quite how imposing it seems and quite how much of a task seems to lie ahead of poor Elsa here. Building all that up with those sprinklings of hope works together very well here and then it all comes together nicely for that final line to give us a nice little cliffhangery moment. I can't wait to see what happens next.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Everything is a lot of things!
— Hank Green