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E - Everyone

The Forgotten Kingdom Of Ora - Chapter 4

by Zeno


The story so far...

Ora was the kingdom of magic, with magicians and sorcerers in its ranks. The kingdom of Ora had been in constant battle with the kingdom of Alei, the kingdom where all the mythical beasts lived.

Elsa was the daughter of Erit, the chief commander of the kingdom of Ora. She was hunting in a forest and came across a mysterious structure made of cobblestone. As she touched it, she got teleported into a scary and uninviting dungeon...

Back in the kingdom of Ora, the people were going about their daily lives, tending to their farms and businesses.

“What is that?” Someone cried suddenly as he spotted a mysterious, dark figure hovering in the sky. The figure resembles a young man - about the age of 14 - wearing a cape. A sorcerer!

The sorcerer slowly descended and the crowd was in shock. It was already unusual for a sorcerer to appear within the castle walls, but now, a youthful sorcerer? This was once in a blue moon.

The sorcerer was striking in appearance such that it made him stand out from the crowd. He was fair, almost pale white. His unfathomable, golden brown eyes contrasted exceptionally with his light-toned face. His eyes were as deep and expressive, where you could get lost if you stare long enough. His silver, smooth hair was arranged so neatly it seemed otherworldly.

The sorcerer walked elegantly and captivatingly, drawing the attention of all who laid eyes upon him. They didn’t know why he was here, where he was heading, or what he was about to do. Nevertheless, they followed him.

The sorcerer stopped and turned around to see the crowd of citizens trailing behind him. He then levitated off the ground, causing the people to back away slightly. He gazed at them and made an announcement.

“I am looking for a girl named Elsa.”

He then took out a small sack containing black powders. He casted the powders onto the ground, and the powders moved by themselves. They stacked on each other and finally assembled the shape of a young girl. The girl was gorgeous. She had a cute face with a perfect blend of white and red. Her sparkling but sharp blue eyes caught everyone's attention. She had a slim body, which was an addition to her long, blonde hair.

She was Elsa.

This pronouncement rose to a clamor among the crowd. Everyone was looking at each other, confused as to why this was happening.

“She is my daughter,” someone from the crowd shouted. Everyone turned to look at him as a muscular, big man stepped forward from the crowd. Erit.

“She is out in the woods, hunting. But why would you want to meet her?” questioned Erit.

“She was demanded by the supreme sorcerer. I was tasked to find her and send her to the realm of the sorcerers,” answered the sorcerer.

“May I know why?” implored Erit.

The sorcerer looked puzzled. Then, he replied, “you are Erit, the chief commander of the kingdom. You know very well that our intentions are not to be questioned.”

“But she is my daughter. I would want to at least know why she has to be taken.”

The sorcerer gave Erit a cold stare and without saying anything else, he flew off, leaving the crowd in a state of uncertainty and anxiety. Everyone was confused. They looked at Erit who was panicking as he didn’t know what the sorcerers were about to do to her daughter.

*

The sorcerer landed in the forest. Without hesitation, he began searching around, looking for Elsa. With his eyes sharp as an eagle, he skimmed through the forest chunk by chunk at an outstanding pace, as if he couldn’t afford to lose even a second of time. He searched and searched, then he discovered the structure, that perfect cube that Elsa had touched. The structure now had a symbol on top of it: a U-shaped curve followed by a circle inside. Upon seeing this, a glimpse of shock and terror emerged from the lifeless face of the sorcerer.

The structure had been used.


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Sun Jan 29, 2023 8:10 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello I am here to leave yet another review.
"The sorcerer was striking in appearance such that it made him stand out from the crowd. He was fair, almost pale white. His unfathomable, golden brown eyes contrasted exceptionally with his light-toned face. His eyes were as deep and expressive, where you could get lost if you stare long enough. His silver, smooth hair was arranged so neatly it seemed otherworldly."
Well, them looks like we have got a meanwhile here. You description of the sorcerer is very interesting, he sounds very mysterious.
"He then took out a small sack containing black powders. He casted the powders onto the ground, and the powders moved by themselves. They stacked on each other and finally assembled the shape of a young girl. The girl was gorgeous. She had a cute face with a perfect blend of white and red. Her sparkling but sharp blue eyes caught everyone's attention. She had a slim body, which was an addition to her long, blonde hair.

She was Elsa.

This pronouncement rose to a clamor among the crowd. Everyone was looking at each other, confused as to why this was happening."
ooh magic items. Right when I read this, I think, why does he want Elsa? That is very weird and something is definitely at play here.
"'She was demanded by the supreme sorcerer. I was tasked to find her and send her to the realm of the sorcerers,” answered the sorcerer.

“May I know why?” implored Erit.

The sorcerer looked puzzled. Then, he replied, “you are Erit, the chief commander of the kingdom. You know very well that our intentions are not to be questioned.'"
Oh so at this moment at first I think I understand, but then it's pretty obvious that the sorcerer is probably lying. Suspicious...
"The sorcerer landed in the forest. Without hesitation, he began searching around, looking for Elsa. With his eyes sharp as an eagle, he skimmed through the forest chunk by chunk at an outstanding pace, as if he couldn’t afford to lose even a second of time. He searched and searched, then he discovered the structure, that perfect cube that Elsa had touched. The structure now had a symbol on top of it: a U-shaped curve followed by a circle inside. Upon seeing this, a glimpse of shock and terror emerged from the lifeless face of the sorcerer.

The structure had been used." oh, wow. I'm very impressed about this ending. It's clear that either the structure is god, or bad, depending on the sorcerers. I have mixed feeling about the sorcerers. OVERALL: great job about chapter four.
-foxmaster




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Sun Jan 29, 2023 6:20 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello! I hope you're having a great day or night!

Right off the bat, there is a lot to like about this chapter! I think my favorite element was your description of the sorcerer! It not only gave us insight into his appearance, but also his character. As the prior reviewer mentioned, it was very striking.

I also appreciated that Erit stood up for Elsa. I look forward to seeing how he will factor into later chapters. Though I still don't entirely trust his perspective on the Kingdoms history, and the ongoing war, I think we can count on his love for his daughter.

I do find it a tad convenient that, just when Elsa needed a sorcerer to get her out of the box, one shows up to be looking for her, explicitly. It's possible that these two occurrences are somehow connected. Perhaps another sorcerer from his organization set the structure as a trap for Elsa. Either way, it might be something to look out for.

You spent a lot of time in the first chapter explaining the war between The Kingdoms of Ora and Alei, and I'm curious to see how that will factor into the later chapters. Perhaps, if the Sorcerers are looking for Elsa, they want to recruit her into the war efforts.

The second chapter also opened with the death of the eagle, so I have to wonder how that will also play into this story. I assumed it had something to do with the cube, but now, with this council of sorcerers after Elsa, I get the vibe there's something more sinister at foot.

All this is to say that there are a lot of hanging threads right now, and I can't wait to see how they tie together in the upcoming chapters!

Keep on writing, and Happy Review Day! :D




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Sat Jan 28, 2023 4:27 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is a lovely continuation of I think. It does a great job of piling on some extra tension for us here. I'm loving the vibe that its creating in general because now we've got just so many reasons to be worried for poor Elsa.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Back in the kingdom of Ora, the people were going about their daily lives, tending to their farms and businesses.

“What is that?” Someone cried suddenly as he spotted a mysterious, dark figure hovering in the sky. The figure resembles a young man - about the age of 14 - wearing a cape. A sorcerer!

The sorcerer slowly descended and the crowd was in shock. It was already unusual for a sorcerer to appear within the castle walls, but now, a youthful sorcerer? This was once in a blue moon.


Well this is interesting. I like that we've shifted away from Elsa. Its a great way to really ramp up the tension of that while we have yet another mysterious situation to deal with. This one doesn't exactly seem like its going to be particularly wholesome either so its a lovely way to progress this here.

The sorcerer was striking in appearance such that it made him stand out from the crowd. He was fair, almost pale white. His unfathomable, golden brown eyes contrasted exceptionally with his light-toned face. His eyes were as deep and expressive, where you could get lost if you stare long enough. His silver, smooth hair was arranged so neatly it seemed otherworldly.

The sorcerer walked elegantly and captivatingly, drawing the attention of all who laid eyes upon him. They didn’t know why he was here, where he was heading, or what he was about to do. Nevertheless, they followed him.


Well that definitely seems like the type of person to really catch one's attention there. That's a lovely little description you've got. It definitely does come off as striking as the description suggests it is, which I'm assuming is on top of how rare of an occurrence his seems to be.

The sorcerer stopped and turned around to see the crowd of citizens trailing behind him. He then levitated off the ground, causing the people to back away slightly. He gazed at them and made an announcement.

“I am looking for a girl named Elsa.”

He then took out a small sack containing black powders. He casted the powders onto the ground, and the powders moved by themselves. They stacked on each other and finally assembled the shape of a young girl. The girl was gorgeous. She had a cute face with a perfect blend of white and red. Her sparkling but sharp blue eyes caught everyone's attention. She had a slim body, which was an addition to her long, blonde hair.


Hmm well that's one of the fancier ways I've seen to describe a character although it still comes across as far too on the nose. Very interesting choice by this sorcerer too. This grand gesture and dramatic reveal suggest this is someone who operates using fear an intimidation. Its an interesting detail to work with because immediately things appear a bit villainous and its doubtful if we'll like this person.

This pronouncement rose to a clamor among the crowd. Everyone was looking at each other, confused as to why this was happening.

“She is my daughter,” someone from the crowd shouted. Everyone turned to look at him as a muscular, big man stepped forward from the crowd. Erit.

“She is out in the woods, hunting. But why would you want to meet her?” questioned Erit.

“She was demanded by the supreme sorcerer. I was tasked to find her and send her to the realm of the sorcerers,” answered the sorcerer.

“May I know why?” implored Erit.


Okay...well that's a rather cryptic message that definitely seems like its leading to some sort of disaster. Erit just appearng out of the crowd is also interesting given he's meant to be someone a bit more important than just hanging out in the crowd so that tells us a bit about him as a person too. Definitely makes us like him more.

The sorcerer looked puzzled. Then, he replied, “you are Erit, the chief commander of the kingdom. You know very well that our intentions are not to be questioned.”

“But she is my daughter. I would want to at least know why she has to be taken.”

The sorcerer gave Erit a cold stare and without saying anything else, he flew off, leaving the crowd in a state of uncertainty and anxiety. Everyone was confused. They looked at Erit who was panicking as he didn’t know what the sorcerers were about to do to her daughter.


Well that definitely doesn't sound good at all, and we can cement the fact that this sorcerer person is definitely not a nice person. I have a feeling what ever is about to happen to poor Elsa as a result is really not going to end well here.

The sorcerer landed in the forest. Without hesitation, he began searching around, looking for Elsa. With his eyes sharp as an eagle, he skimmed through the forest chunk by chunk at an outstanding pace, as if he couldn’t afford to lose even a second of time. He searched and searched, then he discovered the structure, that perfect cube that Elsa had touched. The structure now had a symbol on top of it: a U-shaped curve followed by a circle inside. Upon seeing this, a glimpse of shock and terror emerged from the lifeless face of the sorcerer.

The structure had been used.


Hmm well that's a fun moment there. The fact that even this sorcerer who is clearly not a stranger to having quite a bit of power and being a bit evil reacts so badly to it mean this dungeon place Elsa is in must be really, really bad. That's a great way to ramp up that tension even more.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty strong followup to the earlier section this one. I think you've done a wonderful job of introducing this new character and then also just piling on all of the tension for Elsa and her situation.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





worlds buzz over us like bees, / we be splendid in new bones.
— Lucille Clifton