• Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Forgotten Kingdom Of Ora - Chapter 2

by Zeno


A strong gust of wind flurried through the forest. Incessant chirping sounds were audible, too much to be ordinary. Suddenly, a flock of birds fluttered out from a gigantic oak tree in a fragmentary manner. It was as if they were escaping from something. Indeed they were, as not long after, a massive eagle soared out. It had sharp eyes, destructive claws, and strong pairs of wings. The rapacious eagle aimed and charged at one of the escaping birds. Closer and closer it got to the prey.

It was at this exact moment that the thunderclouds began to swarm in and conquered the sky. In a trice, the sky turned cobra black. The day suddenly turned into a voidly night, the wind blew even more fiercely, as if an apocalypse was about to transpire. This queer phenomenon didn't affect the eagle, as it continued to approach its target. The birds, though, were aghast to see this. They chirped even louder and flew even quicker than before.

*

Out of nowhere, in a flash, the sky illuminated from the pitch black that it was, and a crashing bang followed. Lightning struck.

The lightning was, once again, too bright to be ordinary. It struck the eagle straight in the head. In just a split second, the eagle was fulgurated, leaving only the carcass.

The bird had escaped.

After the lightning, the sky turned graciously clear again as if nothing had happened. The lucky bird flitted and stood by a tree stick. Everything was back to normal.

Suddenly, “swoosh!”. And the bird was dead, ravaged by an arrow. Then, distinct footsteps were heard. The thump-thump sound got quicker and quicker and closer and closer and stopped. Underneath a tree stood a girl holding a bow, and that girl was none other than Elsa. Elsa had her second successful hunt for the day.

Without hesitation, Elsa climbed the tree to claim her trophy. When she got it, she jumped down from the tree. She almost trampled when she got to the ground as she was beyond elevated about the catch.

Surprising. Elsa didn’t experience the change in the sky nor the notoriously bright lightning.

Just as she was about to leave, she noticed something peculiar from a distance - a cubical structure. Out of curiosity, she walked toward the structure which was about a hundred feet away. When she finally saw the structure as a whole, she was astonished.

The structure was not that big; it was just about the height of a bench. It was built from cobblestone - from what she could tell - but it was very polished. The corner was chiselled sharp and precise, and the edges were undeviating. The structure was a perfect cube. It would have taken the best builder in the kingdom decades to create a structure as pristine as this.

Apart from the structure, Elsa noticed the carcass of the eagle laying right beside the structure. She picked it up, and it was immediately shattered and turned into granules.

Her focus turned to the structure once again. Titillated, she touched it. The texture of the structure was smooth. “Who made this” was the only thing on her mind right now. She scanned around to see if there were other structures like it. There were not, but that was the last thing she should be concerned about. She was about to embark on a journey that would change her perception about her world forever.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
403 Reviews

Points: 1610
Reviews: 403

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2023 3:33 am
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello! Popping back in for another Review!

Once again, you've written a very compelling introduction, with a ton of great action! Though some of it felt a tad repetitive, mirroring the prior chapter, that might well be intentional, and could turn out to be a really cool motif! I also really liked the suspense you are building, about the mysterious lightning, and the strange stone box.

This is a minor nitpick, but I did notice that you use a lot of "filler phrases." Words like, suddenly and sentences such as indeed they were can bog down otherwise great writing, or slow down fast-paced action scenes. This isn't always the case, but it often disconnects the reader from the moment at hand.

I really liked how this chapter granted us insight on Elsa. Here, she displays her curiosity (and perhaps a little bit of foolishness?) when she bravely approaches the mysterious cube. She shows no apprehension, which seems to be an important trait in a hunter. However, I would like to see you dig a little deeper into her emotions.

For example, when the eagle shatters in her hand, I would've expected some kind of beat change. Maybe she's startled? Or she's suddenly frightened, and has to steel her stomach? Perhaps she isn't scared, but rather, morbidly curious. As great as this segment was, I did feel a little disconnected from Elsa.

Once again though, this is another very strong chapter! I adore how you managed to build up so much suspense in such a brief amount of time! I'll admit, I'm a little frightened for Elsa, and whatever evils she'll have to face.

With that said, amazing job so far! You've got two strong opening chapters, and I'm excited to see how you'll build off them!

Happy Review Day! :D




User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 247
Reviews: 22

Donate
Sun Jan 22, 2023 7:10 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to leave yet another review.
"Suddenly, a flock of birds fluttered out from a gigantic oak tree in a fragmentary manner. It was as if they were escaping from something. Indeed they were, as not long after, a massive eagle soared out."
So, the second chapter also begins with hunting. You begin with suspense, as the eagle sounds very ferocious later on in this paragraph.
"It was at this exact moment that the thunderclouds began to swarm in and conquered the sky. In a trice, the sky turned cobra black. The day suddenly turned into a voidly night, the wind blew even more fiercely, as if an apocalypse was about to transpire. This queer phenomenon didn't affect the eagle, as it continued to approach its target. The birds, though, were aghast to see this. They chirped even louder and flew even quicker than before."
That is some very nice description and it adds some very nice foreshadowing and you can automatically tell something dramatic is going to happen.
"The lightning was, once again, too bright to be ordinary. It struck the eagle straight in the head. In just a split second, the eagle was fulgurated, leaving only the carcass."
Oo, you make this scene sound almost supernatural, with the lighting and it killing the eagle almost instantly.
"After the lightning, the sky turned graciously clear again as if nothing had happened. The lucky bird flitted and stood by a tree stick. Everything was back to normal."
Oooh something magical is definitely at play here.
"Surprising. Elsa didn’t experience the change in the sky nor the notoriously bright lightning."
Oh that's strange.
"She picked it up, and it was immediately shattered and turned into granules."
Wow, you re making this story get even more mysterious. I am impressed.
"She was about to embark on a journey that would change her perception about her world forever."
That is a very nice cliffhanger. Overall: It was very good and I can't wait for the next one.
Keep up the good work,
Foxmaster




User avatar
3857 Reviews

Points: 210491
Reviews: 3857

Donate
Sun Jan 22, 2023 3:07 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy so this was a pretty interesting second chapter here. Given that whole first did read very much more like an intro than anything else, this chapter works well telling us more about Elsa and introducing some plot that leads forward here instead of just the lore.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A strong gust of wind flurried through the forest. Incessant chirping sounds were audible, too much to be ordinary. Suddenly, a flock of birds fluttered out from a gigantic oak tree in a fragmentary manner. It was as if they were escaping from something. Indeed they were, as not long after, a massive eagle soared out. It had sharp eyes, destructive claws, and strong pairs of wings. The rapacious eagle aimed and charged at one of the escaping birds. Closer and closer it got to the prey.

It was at this exact moment that the thunderclouds began to swarm in and conquered the sky. In a trice, the sky turned cobra black. The day suddenly turned into a voidly night, the wind blew even more fiercely, as if an apocalypse was about to transpire. This queer phenomenon didn't affect the eagle, as it continued to approach its target. The birds, though, were aghast to see this. They chirped even louder and flew even quicker than before.


Well this is quite the start. I don't believe I've seen a scene quite this intense involving wild animals being the start to a chapter before, at least definitely a second chapter. I was expecting us to build more on all of the lore that we got in the previous chapter, but this is quite interesting to see. Love the description though, as strange of an opening as this was, i was quite well done.

Out of nowhere, in a flash, the sky illuminated from the pitch black that it was, and a crashing bang followed. Lightning struck.

The lightning was, once again, too bright to be ordinary. It struck the eagle straight in the head. In just a split second, the eagle was fulgurated, leaving only the carcass.

The bird had escaped.

After the lightning, the sky turned graciously clear again as if nothing had happened. The lucky bird flitted and stood by a tree stick. Everything was back to normal.

Suddenly, “swoosh!”. And the bird was dead, ravaged by an arrow. Then, distinct footsteps were heard. The thump-thump sound got quicker and quicker and closer and closer and stopped. Underneath a tree stood a girl holding a bow, and that girl was none other than Elsa. Elsa had her second successful hunt for the day.


Well that...was quite the move xD. I don't believe I've seen an introduction quite that elaborate get used in a story, and certainly not in a second chapter. This feels very much like a shot in a movie that would be done to introduce a character to us than anything else so while this was very entertaining and I think a really fun way to introduce Elsa here, that felt like it dragged on just a little too long.

Without hesitation, Elsa climbed the tree to claim her trophy. When she got it, she jumped down from the tree. She almost trampled when she got to the ground as she was beyond elevated about the catch.

Surprising. Elsa didn’t experience the change in the sky nor the notoriously bright lightning.

Just as she was about to leave, she noticed something peculiar from a distance - a cubical structure. Out of curiosity, she walked toward the structure which was about a hundred feet away. When she finally saw the structure as a whole, she was astonished.


OOooh well finally we've got things moving forward here and I already love the vibes that we're going with here. A mysterious structure off in the distance while our protagonist is just out hunting peacefully seems like the perfect way to make things very interesting very quickly.

The structure was not that big; it was just about the height of a bench. It was built from cobblestone - from what she could tell - but it was very polished. The corner was chiselled sharp and precise, and the edges were undeviating. The structure was a perfect cube. It would have taken the best builder in the kingdom decades to create a structure as pristine as this.

Apart from the structure, Elsa noticed the carcass of the eagle laying right beside the structure. She picked it up, and it was immediately shattered and turned into granules.

Her focus turned to the structure once again. Titillated, she touched it. The texture of the structure was smooth. “Who made this” was the only thing on her mind right now. She scanned around to see if there were other structures like it. There were not, but that was the last thing she should be concerned about. She was about to embark on a journey that would change her perception about her world forever.


Well....this is quite the ending. First of all I am loving this little strange moment here. Definitley a very interesting that already on its own has us very curious to discover exactly what that could all be about. Combined with that little note by the narrator there, we have ourselves a very powerful moment to work with here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its a fairly strong second chapter here. It does enough I think for us to get pretty invested as far as whatever this strange happening might turn out to be. I think the way you present this mysterious situation is really quite well done in that sense. Elsa also seems like a pretty interesting person from what we've learnt so far. Well let's see what else is there to come.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning