Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Forgotten Kingdom Of Ora - Chapter 1

by Zeno


A rabbit was running in the woods. Suddenly, “swoosh!”. The rabbit was hit by an arrow. It struggled for a few seconds and then stayed still, most probably dead. A girl picked up the rabbit, taking it like a trophy, then she ran. She ran faster than any human can ever run. She ran to his horse, which was tied around a giant tree in the middle of the forest. The girl freed the horse and rode it so that it could take her back.

She went back to the castle. The castle was so huge it would take a person months to go around it. Nevertheless, she rushed through the entrance, carrying his rabbit, showing excitement on her face. The guards saw her, and let her pass while bowing to her. She ignored the guards because she cannot withstand the excitement inside her that she had her first successful hunt. She can’t wait to show this to his Dad, Erit, who was also the chief commander of the kingdom of Ora.

“Dad, I had a catch! I had a catch!” The girl shouted with excitement. “Oh, well done, Elsa!” Erit replied. Erit then took Elsa into his arms to hug her, just like how a father would do to his daughter.

*

It was 30 years ago, during a war, a brutal war on the ice. Erit was still a noble knight by then. During that time, the kingdom of Ora was fighting against the kingdom of Alei. The kingdom of Alei was blessed with all the mythical beasts you can think of: dragons, trolls, basilisks, etc. The ruler of Alei was intelligent and brave enough to tame these creatures and use them in wars. This was what makes Alei such a strong and dangerous kingdom. Other small kingdoms wouldn’t dare to cross Alei, except for the kingdom of Ora.

The kingdom of Ora was known as the kingdom of magic. Although Alei had dragons and trolls, Ora had sorcerers and magicians, making them also another powerful and dangerous kingdom. Throughout the centuries, it was the kingdom of Ora and the kingdom of Alei battling for the rightful ruler of the world.

During that war, Erit fought tough. He swung his enchanted sword against the fierce dragons coming his way, killing them one by one. However, despite how skilled he was at defeating the dragons, there were just too many of them. He soon got overwhelmed. The commander of Ora called for a retreat, and the army ran back. Erit being a loyal warrior - despite not wanting to admit defeat - did too.

This was just one fight of many. In some, the kingdom of Ora claimed victory, in others, they claimed defeat. Erit got promoted to chief commander in the exact same year he gave birth to Elsa.

Elsa was a little girl, a charming, energetic, and fearless one. She had good relationships with her father. Erit taught Elsa how to be a warrior ever since her childhood. This was why Elsa’s combat skills were beyond the average for her age. Elsa knew how to shoot at the age of 5, how to wield a sword at the age of 7, how to fight with a spear at the age of 10, and now, how to hunt at the age of 13.

Elsa was prepared for any obstacle that comes in her way. She was prepared to battle the kingdom of Alei, to claim her rightful place as a warrior of Ora, just like her father. However, she did not prepare for what was about to happen to her next.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 128
Reviews: 12

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2023 11:39 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello, I'm lad to see that you commented on my book, and I am here to leave a review.
"A rabbit was running in the woods. Suddenly, "Swoosh!" The rabbit was hit by an arrow. It struggled for a few seconds, then stayed still, most probably dead."
That's a pretty good beginning, and nice description about what's happening here.
"She ran to his horse, which was tied to a tree."
That was not bad, but when I read it I thought, who's horse?
"She ran faster than any human can ever run."
That description seemed like the girl had magic or superpowers. It really made me think about what was going on here.
"It was 30 years ago, during a war, a brutal war on the ice. Erit was still a noble knight by then. During that time, the kingdom of Ora was fighting against the kingdom of Alei. The kingdom of Alei was blessed with all the mythical beasts you can think of: dragons, trolls, basilisks, etc. The ruler of Alei was intelligent and brave enough to tame these creatures and use them in wars. This was what makes Alei such a strong and dangerous kingdom. Other small kingdoms wouldn’t dare to cross Alei, except for the kingdom of Ora."
I like how much description you use there, to make it seem like the kingdom of Ora is really taking a risk there, fighting against the kingdom of Alei. However, it is a random change there to go from,
"'Dad, I had a catch! I had a catch!' The girl shouted with excitement. 'Oh, well done, Elsa!' Erit replied. Erit then took Elsa into his arms to hug her, just like how a father would do to his daughter."
to talking about the war.
"Elsa was a little girl, a charming, energetic, and fearless one. She had good relationships with her father. Erit taught Elsa how to be a warrior ever since her childhood. This was why Elsa’s combat skills were beyond the average for her age. Elsa knew how to shoot at the age of 5, how to wield a sword at the age of 7, how to fight with a spear at the age of 10, and now, how to hunt at the age of 13."
That seems impressive, how much Elsa can do. You make it noticeable that Elsa will probably be fighting in the war, and even possibly stop it.
Overall: good job. I liked it, although do be careful with your past tense, and present tense. I will be reading chapter two, whenever it comes out. :)




User avatar
3835 Reviews


Points: 208241
Reviews: 3835

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2023 6:56 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I see you're new so Welcome to YWS!! Hope you have a good time here!

First Impression: This is a pretty solid little start to a story here. I think you've gone and created a pretty interesting little world here and you've done a fairly solid job of actually introducing us to said world here. It seems like we've also got ourselves a pair of pretty good characters here too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A rabbit was running in the woods. Suddenly, “swoosh!”. The rabbit was hit by an arrow. It struggled for a few seconds and then stayed still, most probably dead. A girl picked up the rabbit, taking it like a trophy, then she ran. She ran faster than any human can ever run. She ran to his horse, which was tied around a giant tree in the middle of the forest. The girl freed the horse and rode it so that it could take her back.


Okayy well that was a bit of a random start. Its a nice sort of generic scene there. Nothing too exciting per se, but more neutral. Its certainly an activity that gives us a decent sense of what sort of world this and perhaps an idea of the level of technology present. The tiny hint of this person being faster than normal is a nice touch too. All in all I think it comes together to be a pretty solid opening scene.

She went back to the castle. The castle was so huge it would take a person months to go around it. Nevertheless, she rushed through the entrance, carrying his rabbit, showing excitement on her face. The guards saw her, and let her pass while bowing to her. She ignored the guards because she cannot withstand the excitement inside her that she had her first successful hunt. She can’t wait to show this to his Dad, Erit, who was also the chief commander of the kingdom of Ora.

“Dad, I had a catch! I had a catch!” The girl shouted with excitement. “Oh, well done, Elsa!” Erit replied. Erit then took Elsa into his arms to hug her, just like how a father would do to his daughter.


Okayy that was a little bit stilted there all of a sudden. I love the idea of this scene and it works pretty well to showcase just this happy father and daughter duo but while it flows okay and you manage to integrate that lovely little bit of information on who these two are pretty nicely too the flow of the piece breaks a little there because it switches from this more active scene to suddenly just much more of a recounting of what happened and I think you need to try and stick to only the one option because otherwise its a bit choppy there at the start.

It was 30 years ago, during a war, a brutal war on the ice. Erit was still a noble knight by then. During that time, the kingdom of Ora was fighting against the kingdom of Alei. The kingdom of Alei was blessed with all the mythical beasts you can think of: dragons, trolls, basilisks, etc. The ruler of Alei was intelligent and brave enough to tame these creatures and use them in wars. This was what makes Alei such a strong and dangerous kingdom. Other small kingdoms wouldn’t dare to cross Alei, except for the kingdom of Ora.

The kingdom of Ora was known as the kingdom of magic. Although Alei had dragons and trolls, Ora had sorcerers and magicians, making them also another powerful and dangerous kingdom. Throughout the centuries, it was the kingdom of Ora and the kingdom of Alei battling for the rightful ruler of the world.


Okayy this is an interesting place to go here. We've switched from a fun little scene with father an daughter to this sort of history textbook esque situation. Once again though its a bit damaging to the flow. On its own this is a fun description especially in a first chapter, but it just feels so disconnected to the opening and it feels like a whole other story other story is starting here. The fact that the names of the father an the kingdom are the same is the only thing that makes it feel like the same story and you don't want to create a scenario like this so early into the story. I would suggest maybe moving this bit to before the earlier scene or removing that earlier scene altogether because it just seems a bit random and disconnected by this point in the chapter.

Moving past that bit though, I love the ideas for these two kingdoms. The idea of magic and these creatures is pretty fun to explore. As much as this is a familiar sort of tale I think you've made it sound unique enough to be exciting at least to me.

During that war, Erit fought tough. He swung his enchanted sword against the fierce dragons coming his way, killing them one by one. However, despite how skilled he was at defeating the dragons, there were just too many of them. He soon got overwhelmed. The commander of Ora called for a retreat, and the army ran back. Erit being a loyal warrior - despite not wanting to admit defeat - did too.

This was just one fight of many. In some, the kingdom of Ora claimed victory, in others, they claimed defeat. Erit got promoted to chief commander in the exact same year he gave birth to Elsa.


Well that seems like an oddly organized battle. It seems neither side is resorting to anything more underhanded which is a nice difference from most stories of this nature that you tend to run into and tying in Erit's qualities as a character into this along with his journey as a father is an interesting touch that has so far been quite nicely done.

Elsa was a little girl, a charming, energetic, and fearless one. She had good relationships with her father. Erit taught Elsa how to be a warrior ever since her childhood. This was why Elsa’s combat skills were beyond the average for her age. Elsa knew how to shoot at the age of 5, how to wield a sword at the age of 7, how to fight with a spear at the age of 10, and now, how to hunt at the age of 13.

Elsa was prepared for any obstacle that comes in her way. She was prepared to battle the kingdom of Alei, to claim her rightful place as a warrior of Ora, just like her father. However, she did not prepare for what was about to happen to her next.


Okayyy well this is interesting. Its a standard enough way to end the first chapter of this style of story here and I think it works as endings of this nature often. The only thing I'd say is once again that first scene seems unnecessary or it could just come after this bit which seems sort of like a general introduction to the kingdom and the characters anyway.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty solid start here. There's a couple of things to perhaps take a second look at there but for the most part its a pretty decent place to start a story here and I think you've gone and done a pretty good job right here. It definitely does enough for me to want read more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson