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139,650 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
I think this poem was fantastic! The stanzas I thought were well structured and they were like pieces in a puzzle that fitted perfectly. The imagery was fantastic and the poem really spoke to me. Your work is amazing, keep it up :]
Allo! Booky here to review, comments in bold!
Comment before i commence-I'm a big fan of line breaks. Big fan. Huge. So much so, that I will be that annoying person who may or not destroy your work. Warning given.
The moon shimmers down on the couplebreak? like a spotlight on the balcony,
its reflection glistensbreak? against the soundless stream of the lake.
Each moment he breathes in,break? the cold air tickles his nose.
Goosebumps start to crawl break?and send shivers throughout his body.
Only the cool zephyrbreak surrounds the space between them,
and her dark blond curls breaksway with the lovely tune;
A hum that two songbirds createbreak in a tacit affection
With that,break her soft laugh completes the melody.
A tinge of blush appears breakacross the lady's fair face
and few moments later,break her little fingers intertwine his.
Her warmth and smile take over breakthe bitterness inside him.
Words run over from his lips,break still hinders the man to speak.
wowowow! I must say, only comment is breaks! Fantastic diction!
Thanks for the reviews, guys. I'm going to work on this if I could find a vacant time. :3
Yuri! I didn't know your wrote poems
So, I'm not much of a poet but I shall review your piece, nonetheless. It's the least I could do for the times you reviewed my piece, haha.
I think the first line here could have been reworded slightly, it's good but I keep feeling like it's too stuffed for some reason.
I like this first stanza quite a bit, however
I think the use of the word tacit made the line choppy. That's just my opinion however.
Also, I love how you described the music and the 'melody' here. It fits quite perfectly and I liked how it's all connected with their actions and all.
Now, this is the part where I find myself quite confused. You suddenly introduce a sort of bitterness and I'm left wondering why he feels that way. Maybe you could have added some more to this so we understand it a little more?
One last thing, the last line confused me. What do you mean by hindering him to speak?
Anyway, overall this is a nice poem and I liked reading it. The image you provided at the top really made the poem come alive too, like I could picture it all. Overall, nice poem and nice read
Cheers,
~Pink
That was a very gentle poem.
I really found it lovely and romantic.
what does the word 'zephyr' mean?
That was my only problem
I love the image that the first stanza creates, it goes well with the picture you provided
I really enjoyed this poem
Write On
~WickedWonder
Hi Yuri!
Again, this is another beautiful piece. But I thought some of your other ones were better though, sorry. The visuals in this were amazing, and you described everything so perfectly and it helped me to see and feel what you saw and felt. I also noticed you made some corrections to it and listened to your faithful reviewers! Really good!
I'd take the picture away if I were you. You've described everything so gently and beautifully and well, that I think most of us got the picture in our heads, and maybe looking at the picture you've posted may be a little distracting.
But anyways, the poem was so smooth, yet deep and it was simple to understand. Unline some other poems I've read (not yours) that leave me puzzled. This told a lovely story. Loved it!
Best wishes!
RedLeaf
Heya Yuri!
Anyway, I'm here to review. I know that I always say this when I'm reviewing poetry, but yeah, I'm not the best poetry critic in the world. Don't expect any technical poetical language from me or anything...
I haven't spoken to you in a while! It's weird...
Red = Corrections
Blue = Parts I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions
Overall
This was a poem that I actually very much enjoyed reading! Although I don't read poetry at all unless it's here on YWS, this is one of those poems that make me wonder why I don't read poetry more often. I'm fond of this because it's exactly the kind of poem that I do enjoy reading. This piece has some lovely imagery in it and you've come up with some great descriptions which really do bring the poem to life. Something I liked about this poem was the fact that it felt like it was telling me a really small, sweet story. It's as though your describing a romance scene for us. The flow of this poem was nice and simple to follow. As far as I can tell, there weren't any areas that sounded awkward to me or disrupted the feeling of the piece. You managed to sustain the calm, romantic mood throughout the whole of the poem.
As for your grammar, you didn't actually have any. I did note where I thought the grammar should have been for you, so you can take a look and edit it if you want. Even though your grammar did lack a bit, your spelling was perfect. There was that one little slip up on the very last line, but that isn't really even a spelling mistake, you just used one word when you could have used a better one. Speaking of words, I love how you varied your vocabulary. I know that English isn't your first language, and I think it's a good thing to see you broadening your language and not just sticking with simple, boring words.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that the shortness of this poem makes it bad. It's just that I'd like for you to expand on the idea. What I find always helps when I'm giving advice (don't I sound wise...
Another thing I'll quickly bring up with you, Yuri, is your grammar. I've read plenty of your work to know that you know how to use grammar well and effectively. With that in mind, I'm not going to give you some giant speech on how to use commas or anything. I just want you to remember that even in poems, grammar is key. Grammar helps the poem flow smoothly and it also gives the readers more of a clear idea of what you're trying to tell and show us. Like I said before, I've placed any grammar marks in the areas where I felt they were needed for you. I myself am not 100% sure on grammar I'm not sure if anyone is nowadays, but I think that I've done it more or less correctly. Something else that I did notice you doing was placing a capitalised letter at the beginning of every single line. That's something that an awful lot of poets do, which isn't needed at all. The grammar of a poem is just like the grammar of a story. At the end of a sentence, there should be a period. Whenever the reader needs a chance to breathe, you enter a comma, etc. As long as you remember that, you should be fine.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thank you, WPrincess! :3
Before I say anything else, let me say that this is a beautiful poem and I really enjoyed it. Your imagery is lovely, as is your splendid evocation of mood and setting. It painted a moving picture in my mind. I do have some nitpicks, nothing serious, but a few things I think might help the poem flow better.
First of all, some punctuation wouldn't hurt. Now, I am very hesitant to say that, since my own works often lack it. However, the omission of punctuation works best in poems that imitate stream of consciousness and the like and are not designed to be formed into cohesive sentences, but rather random images and thoughts. Since your piece seems to be formed into said sentences, I think puntuation would make it look a lot better.
A good many of your "S's" at the ends of words are incorrectly placed. The ones I noticed were these:
All of these are easily fixed by the removal of the "S's" at the ends of the italicized words. On the other hand, the word "shiver" in the fourth line should probably be either "a shiver" or "shivers."
Okay, this one's technically just an opinion, but methinks "laugh" would sound a little better than "chuckle." "Chuckle" just isn't a very delicate word.
Lastly, the second part of the final line, isn't quite grammatically correct; "though the man is unable to speak" or something like that would sound better.
Well, that was a lot harsher than I meant it to be, lol. I really did love the poem. Also, the picture at the top is GORGEOUS.