Waiting for You

I can feel the wind’s blowing all over the place
Summer breeze and sunny sunshine, I see
Birds singing sweet and flowers dancing
I know this place is calm and serene

When I travelled back to the time I met you
Cool air went within my body
Seeing you for the first time
Thought just by staring at you would be fine

Still, after all these years
You were the diamond I’ve been searching for
Knowing what will happen, I can feel
I wander to every mysterious door

Now it begins to rain
So much for me to become insane
Water drops, soaking my clothes and hair
Waiting for you, I know you could be there…

(Hoping for you to like it! 8) )

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:24 pm

Hi, Yuriko! I have a few quick tips that will help you to organize your poetry!

First of all, when you're considering punctuation (unless you're experimenting with it), take out the line breaks and punctuate it like a piece of prose. This way, you'll understand where the commas should go, if you need any after the line breaks and things like that. Just for future reference. :3

On to the subject matter of the poem, I feel as if you don't really know what you're writing about. Especially in the third stanza, I feel like you just warped what you were trying to say to fit into the rhyme scheme without considering where YOU actually wanted the story/meaning to go.

Also, though the descriptions of nature as you've written them are nice and evoke the light, airy feelings that they should, they're not written very well, as the previous reviewer pointed out. Sunshine is sunny. Try to find a word that fits your intended emotion better and it will help your poem a lot.

I do this, too. I write poems that seem to have no point, and sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn't and we have to refocus on what we want to say or evoke. Keep working at it, because there is potential!

Let me know if you have any questions, okay?

-Hannah-

User avatar
Vasticity
Review

Let me just get started.

I can feel the wind’s blowing all over the place
It should be winds.
Summer breeze and sunny sunshine
We don't need that last part. Of course sunshine is sunny. We all know sunshine is sunny. Replace that word with something better.
Also, you seem to be fading in and out from rhyming. Don't do that. If you're not a good rhymer, it's fine to have a non-rhyming poem. Some of the greatest poems on earth don't rhyme.
Still, after all these years
You were the diamond I’ve been searching for
Knowing what will happen, I can feel
I wander to every mysterious door
'Still after all these years' seems very small and awkward compared to the rest of the lines. Read your poem out loud as you read it, and see if you have the proper beat. I like it, keep writing! :mrgreen:



Poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers.
— Yevgeny Yevtushenko