Deleted 58

by Lumi

Deleted at author's request.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Brigadier
Review

Hey there lum dear and i have returned to the review game tonight with some very hot pink text. (I don't know why but I felt like making everything pink today.)

*flips through cue cards*
Alright already went through the reason I don't review your poetry. Didn't talk about how you actually have some lengthy and thorough reviews this time. So that essentially means I only have to be here for 1000 characters. The ten minute clock starts now.

I related much more to this imagery as someone who has spent 14 out of 15 years of life in the south. (ya know cause I have to bring it up every three seconds). The scene you set actually reminds me a lot of my paternal grandmother's place I work at in the summer up in West Virginia. (don't argue with me on this, we all know everything east of the Mississippi and south of the mason dixon is the south). Particularly love the bit about the fireflies and the hushed radio because this whole thing just resonated with me.

There are legit no criticisms left for me to give because the other reviewers only beat me to the criticisms by two years. *sighs and flashes evil glare*
I mean the starlight eyes felt a touch out of place but not enough for me to go on some wild and serious rampage about it. You asked for a short and sweet review and well this one was at least short.

I'm just gonna go show myself the door.
Happy End of April Fools
Love,
Lizz
Let's just say I have a noble position in many great empires

User avatar
Becky2421
Review

Hey there Ysayle!
Here very a sneaky review.

So i have to say this a good piece you have there love.
Thought i usually like rhyming poems and shorter stanzas
this you have right there may be an option i wouldn't hesitate.
I like your idea of setting this poem in the night at the porch
staring into the night view.
You definitely created a beautiful imagine of a lover
sitting alone on the porch probably day dreaming or
wishing for his/her love to come swigging by saying stuff
he/she wanted to hear at that beautiful night.

But i do have some confessions to make (not of my sins or admittance to doing the same
day -dreaming as the character in your poem of corse). The first stanza,

'true love is my god'

it didn't seem to relate with the following stanzas i the poem to me.
It should have been like'

'midnight romance is my god'

or something like that relating to the scene and nature
of that poem.

But always it was very toughing and pleasing to the ears.
Keep righting romance poems like this baby you got there love.

Cheers!

User avatar
Virgilius
Comment

The tone is nice and light. It easily creates a feel of tranquility even without considering the wording. I would like if it had a bit more of a rhythm to it but that's just a personal preference.

Besides this I think it is lovely and neatly simple.

User avatar
DoubleOJell0
Review

Ok, time for a review for a poem again!!! YAY!
The only mistake I caught was:

"True love is my god"

Should be "True love is my God". "God" instead of "god"

This was pretty interesting to read, though.

So... "You" always worships God at the porchswing at night with a radio and fireflies,putting your back to a tree,dreaming that you, will one day see him(I might be wrong, sorry). However, this poem is really short that I really don't have anything to say other than this poem is great!!!

Not exactly. It's not about God. It's about being in love with someone and getting lost in the worship of them through the fantasy of their perfections without flaws to balance them out.

User avatar
Rook
Review
Rook wrote a review · Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:30 am

Yo!
I figured I'd need to do my #TeamTortoise sometime tonight so here I am.

This poem is lovely. The images are so gentle and beautiful. The tone was so nice.

There are a couple little things though.

"your eyes scatter like..." This makes it sound like this person's EYEBALLS HAVE DISINTEGRATED AND ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like, I get that it's a dream, but it's still not a very lovely picture compared to the rest. I think phrasing it different some how will make all the difference.

"I reach out to touch you and blink" I keep reading this wrong. Like, I read the words all mixed up. And it happens every time for this one particular line. I don't know if it's because I'm tired or if you should put in some punctuation or break or something in there. I'm just saying I read the words all mixed up like "you blink and touch out to I reach" It's not good. But it could all be my fault.

I like the reference in the title. Which makes me remember how much I like how all your love poetry could easily relate to anyone loving anyone else. It's not reliant on gender-- you always just refer to you and I, and I like how universal that is.

The first line is kinda dramatic, but maybe that's good for a first line. I dunno. I'm shying away from it, but you do what you want.

The second line reminds me of "Take me to church" which is probably just a weird connection in my head which you don't have to worry about too much. and porch swings... Aren't you so southern. XD

I really like the hushed radio.

Isn't grazing... touching? Doesn't it mean to touch very lightly?

This is pretty much what I have. I like this a lot. Great images and sensory details. I hope this helped.
Keep writing!
~fortis

Thank you, Pineco. <3 I made notes for edits. Aaaaand:

Which makes me remember how much I like how all your love poetry could easily relate to anyone loving anyone else. It's not reliant on gender-- you always just refer to you and I, and I like how universal that is.


That's the greatest compliment I've ever received on my poetry. Thank you. <3



"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh