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Hi Lumi! As soon as I saw your name as the author, I just had to read this poem. So, here's my two cents:

I've always loved the structure of your poems: the capitalization, punctuation, italics, and placement of words/phrases add such depth to your work. The phrasing and spacing of "endure" gives the line the feel of a heartbeat, and that's just wow. Great job sneaking that in there!

after a year, i found you quick to my lips, my ears, eyelids

I enjoyed this poem, Luums!

The way it sort of sets up this whisper-toned world which works well with the form, it also lends itself really well to re-reading and I want to snuggle in a blanket and drink hot beverages from an over-sized mug :3 (I do that anyways.)

So, let's talk lyrics. The first line sets up this really nice assonance that I enjoyed: "quick-to-my-lips" and "eyelids". The year/ears snuck in there too. We get some "drives" "bys" "nights" "guides" that lead us on through my favorite part: the endure lines - these lines that read and portray as the heartbeat of the poem which works doubly well as the theme. I love your first line. I love your seventh line. It's those lines in-between. "Night drives" following "moonswept night" becomes uninteresting, when you have the opportunity to tell us something new. Also, "guide my steps by the toes" is just asking for the reader to trip over themselves. I like the line because it forces us to slow down in this slow-dance, and also because tripping toes can be appropriate for the scene. Just want to let you know it has this effect of a "tongue-twist" for the brain, I want to skip over 'steps' and just say "guide my toes" or "guide my steps" and keep it simple.

I might also suggest to bring it in tighter? Maybe cut the second line and take us right in at the dance so that we don't skip a beat. The rhymes themselves could be looser, and they seem to loosen up in the second and third stanza anyway, so I would either tighten it in the other stanzas or loosen the first for symmetry. I also agree with the suggestion of cutting the last two lines in that stanza. Diction-wise, it's the third use of "night" and the thing about the "until" line is that it weakens rather than strengthens the endure. When you have repeated "endures" spaced out like that, there's this implicit "..." or trailing effect. It suggests "just do it/just keep living" that already implies there is no stop to the endless struggle. So those two lines where all it does is make the more obvious connection to death, is really not needed. Unless you want to express more with that line and perhaps I'm missing it? Let me know.

Second stanza - I like this new idea of 'wind course' as a means of direction, there's this path that is being shaped both for the narrator experiencing these feels, and the reader reading the poem. So the phrase "course of wind" is an amazing sentiment, it's the neck bit that loses me.

I'd also suggest cutting "nervous" sweat, and just leave it as "keep the pools of sweat ebbed". Or I'd say, keep the nervous sweat ebbed, but the pools of nervousness is a mouthful and it's already such a yummy line, but there's too much sugar (ie, adjectives).

Third stanza is nice <3 I love the poignant punches, I like the portrayal of "change" as this whip/punch/first-curled sort of experience, that is perfect. Let the endures trail away.

Hopes this helps,

~ as always, Audy

hi darling

so like i told you last night this might be my favorite lumi poem. And it's not because it's perfect and there are no mistakes but because of the absolute raw energy i'm getting from it.

we'll start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)

saying 'after a year' in the first line seems unneeded to me. There's no other mention in the entire poem of time and it seems like you could delete it and just make that entire line just a little more concise. I feel like line 2 and 3 could be flip flopped. You're talking about something physical, and then you switch to metaphysical, and then back to physical again. It's a little jarring and then the slow dance/radio thing would have a nice little thing together that could be super awesome. "you press a hand to my chest when the sorrows heave" might be one of my absolute favorite lines ever. I dunno what it is about it but it's absolutely heart breakingly beautiful and I want to keep it locked away forever. Honestly, I feel like you could delete the whole salt water nighttime thing and just have the endures and it would be a lot more poignant. the nighttime thing doesn't make me feel sad for the narrator or really, feel anything at all. It feels very casual after the endure's and it makes the endure's feel a lot less powerful cause you're expanding on a thought we already understand. You feel me?

"you have since been..." is weird phrasing. I'm still not sure what you mean by this line and I've read this poem like 10 times in the last 12 hours I love it so much. The rest of the poem is flawless and I have nothing more to say. The last stanza is absolute gold.


Basically, my problems are really little things that could be ignored and your poem would still be utterly fantastic. <3 ilu so much

-sizzle