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Hi Lumi!

This is a really heart-breaking piece that shakes of emotion, so it's really quite good.

I don't know if this is your intention, but when you write "and i wondered how there had ever been life in me before you./ you'd written poetry across my arms" I read the "you/you'd" as almost running into each other... as if they're stuttering. I am not sure if that's your intention, but it almost feels like you're tripping into the heart-breaking part of the poem. It's kind of a cool thing because it's neat that you were technically able to do that with words, but it also means that it almost feels like the first four lines don't really seem like they're integrated with the rest of the poem.

This is especially true because the first four lines seem dreamy and romantic and the rest of the poem feels cold and empty. The tone absolutely shifts when you say, "because that's what the body does when faced with pain." In fact, it almost seems abrupt. It almost feels a bit too abrupt.

I do like what you've done with the repetition of "feeling momentary" and the contrast with "more than momentary" especially with the conflict that you present, with fever, cancer, and heartbreaking imagery.

I almost want to recommend putting the last two lines apart in its own stanza.

Anyway! Lovely poem! If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I will answer them! (Also, thanks for giving me something to review! )

Hello darling.

Here to as promised <3

"she yawned cloud out around us"
I would delete the out. It's not really needed and just feels superfluous.
"covered me in three pens worth of ink"
I'd add worth. Makes the line a little more direct.
"I should have known the moon was rising"
I LOVE THIS OMG
"i should have known to feel the cold"
Iiiiii don't know how I feel about this line. Maybe just the way it's presented after the moon line?? I want it to be more hard hitting then it turns out being. Maybe think about something along the lines "I should have felt the cold"? So it's more like they ignored the cold they felt instead of looking for it? You feel?
"it only took a few days for the chill to set in"
I'd change this to chill. Two cold's so close together makes me anxious.
"i've spent so long since feeling momentary"
I would change this to "i've spent so long since I've felt momentary"


I realllllyyyyyyyyyy like parts of this. And then other parts I really don't. There are pieces of it that I want to tattoo on my forehead. And then there are parts that I'm kind of eh about. Like, your first paragraph, up until the shakes part is absolutely beautiful and then it all kind of feels thrown together haphazardly like you knew what you wanted to say but you weren't sure how you wanted to say it. I don't really get connection between the cold and the love being taken away. I know I SHOULD but something about it just doesn't connect with me deep down like most of your poetry does.

I like the italicy part about flowers. But in the same breath it's just not getting THERE yet. When I read the part about shakes and shivers I felt this deep ACHING and I don't feel it anywhere else and I want too. I want a feel an ache and I know it's hiding in there but I can't find it. And I especially want to feel the ache on the italics and this is the place I feel it the least.

idk man. I just wish it made me ache just a littlllllleeee bit more. <333
but as always, it was glorious and beautiful.
-sizzle

after reading this and saying goodbye with lighter pen strokes, which literally made me cry, I have come to the conclusion that there is something ongoing in your life and it is very sad. Are you okay.

Poem improves with multiple readings, sophisticated structure.

Opening two lines are magnificent. Like the initial sips of a good wine, anticipation delighted by images complex and suggestive, wherever this leads I like where we are.

Something is lost in the following lines, perhaps we over indulge in the narrator (the poem is not ripe enough at this point, I am not (yet, at least) interested in being told how she feels).

Either way we regain footing with the interesting scene of writing on the body. 'and when asked to read...' is followed by a matter of fact explanation, that is what the body does. Not just your body, the body. It becomes something more than momentary...

I dig your form (?) with the 'shakes' lines. It really guides how it's to be read, and brings vibrato/physicality to the shaking. And it leads to slippery grip over the climax of the poem.

Detached, resilient, mourning, 'i should have know to feel the cold.' This could be an excellent song lyric.

And then we indulge in the narrator's bare feelings, and it is more fitting in this last stanza.

A narrator that prefaces these feelings with a claim that it is the truth seems disingenuous at this point. I think the last stanza could be trimmed to its final two lines, they get to the broken, fragmented, yearning, atemporality.

I think you could edit this down to about ten couplets for a bigger impact. Still the details here are heartfelt.

You are consistently wonderful.