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So I read this poem and my first impression was as follows:

A mother bird abandoned her babies to die.
Kind of a depressing theme, but a pretty cool poem.

hi rhett darling.

I would add an 'as' after the last we on the first line. I tried it out and it flows just a tad bit better. Delete the perhaps. It makes your poem a question-- and it's not. It's a statement that I'm totally digging. 'hail of humanity' just isn't doing anything for me. It's slightly cliche, and it's just not a strong ending to your first stanza. Considering you state in the first stanza that you're children, I don't really like how you change to the 'like we are children'. Considering in the third stanza you don't mention children at all, I'd find something else to say. Repeating 'children' is kind of pointless. I LOVE the last line of the second stanza. LOVE. As for the third stanza, it's odd to me because you've been saying 'we' 'we' 'we' and now you've switched to 'I'. It's also the weakest of all the stanzas. 'fragile tooth snagged by the roots' doesn't make /sense/. And because it doesn't make sense, and it's combined with a weak stanza-- I'm realllyyyy not feeling it. The repeating of 'rest' also doesn't work. The first time it does, but having rest as your last word is not a strong ending. It's weak, and it makes your entire poem feel weak because that's the last thing we feel. After two super strong stanzas, I need you to finish it strong.

-sizzle

Hi Lumi. Basically, I'm going to arrange my review into the sections: What works, what doesn't and suggestions. I've read your poem three times over, and I don't believe I've understood everything it's tried to tell me, but I'll do my best to advise you on it. Now let's get down to business.

What works:
- Pretty good use of language. Not pretentious in any way, and neither is it too hard to understand on the technical level. It is able to bring about some interesting images in me.

What doesn't work:
- The lack of any harmony, any rhythm, any structure as far as I can see is a little distracting. Your poem is a little hard to read. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the content either.
- That said, the poem is a little inaccessible. Even after four or five tries, it cannot be completely figured out. I have my suspicions on what it could be about, but that is all I have, and mind you, neither am I a layperson either, so what does it mean for the everyday reader? I understand that this is art, but there is a fine balance that must be maintained between art and communication. If your readers don't get it, all is lost.

Suggestions:
- Bring order to chaos. Introduce a kind of structure or rhythm for the poem to follow, and for an added bonus, maybe it could be related to what you're trying to say somehow? It'd kill two birds with one stone.
- Make the poem a little less ambiguous. Give us more clues as to what's exactly going on.

I love "smoother than the curve of ice on a broken wing." That's a killer line right there and you should keep it through any redrafts. Remove the perhaps, before it, though. I don't understand the need for the uncertainty, considering the line before is sure of imagining soft hands.

You repeat imagine twice in the first stanza, and though repetition in itself is not always a bad thing, I think it takes away from the power of your words at the start of the poem here.

The thum thum thum is jarring and it's not fitting for me within the flow of the poem you have here. I really enjoyed the first line and how it flowed beautifully into the second, and started to feel a beat, and then the thum thum thum threw me out of it. Hail of humanity is also an awkward phrase that I did not enjoy. They seem to belong in a different poem, both too loud and harsh for a poem that starts with soft dreams and curves of ice, but I understand the comparison between dreaming of something nice, and something more realistic to what they are facing. Nonetheless it ruins the first stanza for me and I would consider creating different lines to convey your message.

The second stanza is when I began to lose my love for this poem. The first two lines are weak. Afraid like children is already so well conveyed in the first stanza that it is meaningless to use it again here, especially in such a straightforward way, when you have already said it. I dislike the phrase "snow-dusting powder", but merely as much as I detest "disseminated concrete steel asbestos." It has no rhythm with the dropping of that many syllables and that many different words with different beats. I can understand perhaps the intention to place something so out of place in a poem, but if that was your idea, it's gone a little too far, in my opinion.

I like the concept of thunder striking their wings, though. It riddles with your brain a little, as you think, wait - only lightning strikes. But the trembling makes you think of the rumble of thunder, and the power of sound. And then the first line of the third stanza follows on wonderfully from this by talking about the beating of their hearts.

But the third stanza to me is mostly one of confusion. You insert two new players into the mix. Not only is there reference to a you, but also the narration chances to the singular, and to me, the whole feeling of the poem moves somewhere else and I lost it, unfortunately. I wanted a resolution for the broken children, but instead, I lose that ending and get something else. It left me dramatically unsatisfied.

I'd really like to see another draft of this because when you're good, you're really good, such as the broken wing line. But this poem lost its way and I believe there's something better within you than this draft. So good luck with it and let me know if you do rewrite it.

Loooooomi!