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139,792 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hello, happy review day!
I love this poem, you use beautiful imagery that compels the reader into running through each line with many thoughts that come rushing through. I see that you split off the stanzas with numbers 1-4. I'm probably wrong, but is this a way of expressing the steps of a new dawn. The idea that you talk of yourself being a bird who gets taken away and put into a dark cage creates the image of being caught off guard. Perhaps the reader could relate to this as if they were the bird. Some may think of this as an extended metaphor for poverty. Why do I think this? Many are not born poor, they live a happy life until one day, they are forced to leave the nest. They are set off searching for a new home but they are very low money. You then are found by a homeless care. You are told to forget the sadness of your past and are given all of these missed luxuries to keep you going. Unfortunately this homeless care fills up too much and the government stops the funding. You do not want to accept this fact even though you heard from many of the sad truth. Finally the homeless care goes bankrupt and you are once again left on the streets. You need money so you think about getting into music so you can play on the streets. However, you have not a coin to spare so you plot to steal that guitar that proudly sits in the shop window. But when your plan sets to action, you are caught and arrested for steeling. The police trap you in the prison bars, a cage of darkness that will keep you for years.
This maybe completely off your expectations but I am extremely surprised on how a caged bird's life is pretty similar to that of a poor person. I really liked deciphering that
Well, that's all from me,
Godly
I like the way the paragraphs have been distributed and the way they give a particular sound when you read it.
The comparison taken, of the girl and the bird, is also very intelligent and it is more effective because of the right use of words.
There is emotion and pain, so overwhelming that I couldn't even think about anything else but her pain while reading this.
The iii paragraph is something very short, yet very effortful. The line is so deep and holds so much meaning that one has to read it over and over to understand completely
Keep Writing
Love, bhoomi
Hi Lumi!
This was a great piece here. It had deep meaning, and incredible description. It portrayed fragility, and yet there was firmness in the words. Your flow was good, and use of words fit pretty well.
Your spelling and grammar is mostly perfect, the only hitch is the fact that you haven't capitalized a single word. Since your not-capitalizing has been consistent through the poem, I've assumed that you've done this purposely, perhaps this is your writing style. But in personal opinion, this really gives an impression of lack of interest. It's okay that you want to personalize your writing or something by doing this, but it's always better to read a poem that at least seems like the poet strove for perfection. But then it's your poem, so I'm just suggesting here.
Since you written this in stanza pattern, I'm going try and follow that order.
Stanza One
Your flair for the english language was evident in this stanza. I loved your comparison to 'sand dislodged from the dune' and 'a migrant bird in crosshairs'. It was all very creative of you.
This part was quite...unsettling . Perhaps I have a slow brain xD , but I just didn't get the first line. It isn't a very pleasant thought to be 'trapped in your nails'. The 2nd line was still okay and understandable, but the 1st line seemed out of place amongst all the charming and engaging words and comparisons through this poem.
I think you missed an 'in' before 'unincorporated'. Over here, your 1st line starts making sense. Infact, your 1st line is actually alright, the only problem being 'trapped in nails '. Perhaps you could tweak this line and replace 'nails' with something more appealing?
Stanza Two
This stanza was amazing. I loved how you conveyed that you wanted this person to go easy while taking your memories away in such an innovative way.
Stanza Three
Since this is a poem, it wasn't a great idea to write this sentence in one, long line. Again, it's your poem, so it's up to you, but this format was a bit disrupting. That aside, this was my favorite part of the poem! It described your farewell with this person so...*thinks*...dramatically? In a good way, ofcourse. It was just like they show it in plays and movies.
Stanza Four
I like this stanza as a part of the poem, it was really very nice and your last line was great, it left this lingering sadness. However, this wasn't a very good ending, if you see what I mean. It was rather unsatisfying. I'm not saying that you should have had a legitimate plot ending, no. Infact, ending slowly and mysteriously is the beauty of certain poems, but at the same time, there should be strength and confidence in the ending. It should be good enough to see the end of such a commendable piece of poetry. It's kind of like, if you go to a grand, pompous, glittery and impressive parade and it ends with a bunch of boring balloons flitting in the air, I'm sure you'd be disappointed. The balloons in themselves are fun, but not as the end of such a great parade. I hope you get the point.
That's about it! I'm enjoying your poetry, and look forward to more of it! I hope this helped, and let me know if you ever need anything reviewed!
let's tango darling.
starting out strong with line one of stanza i. i love the concept of pieces of someone being trapped under someone else finger nails. but line two.... it just completely destroys what you've already created for us. it's a very hard imagery to digest, in my head, it's almost impossible to smudge something underneath fingernails.
moving on to stanza ii. iii really don't get the whole 'water is warm' imagery, but i like it. there's something about it that makes me want to love it.
iii. best line in the entire thing.
iv. i don't really like the whole bird thing. it's also not a very strong ending. i would much rather stanza iii be the ending than stanza iv. it would end it on a much stronger note, and bring everything full circle.
love you babe. <3
sparkles