Jett Ross
A tired and dozing Jett Ross sat in the back of the bus waking ever time the bus ran through a dip or bump on the old dirt road that snaked its way into the trailer park in which he lived, Jett usually wasn’t this tired but he had put in over thirty hours this week, not to mention staying interactive in school, both of which proved to be a challenge.
“Are you awake?” A short haired girl with wiry glasses said swinging into the seat beside Jett.
“I am now, what do you need Kati?” Jett asked his head bouncing off the window on which it previously rested.
“I was wondering if I could borrow a book tonight, I’m tired of all the reality TV that my father watches.” Kati said pushing her thin glasses back into place on her face.
“Yeah sure no problem, just give me an hour then come over and grab one.” Jett said secretly hoping she would forget, but knowing she wouldn’t, Kati only lived two trailers down from Jett’s and had a tendency of showing up at the most inconvenient moments, which just so happened to be every time she showed up.
“Ok, be over in a bit.” Kati said swinging back into her own seat just as the bus squeaked to a stop right in front of Jett’s small trailer, the trailer was perhaps the ugliest trailers on the lot, it was orange but you couldn’t tell due to all the rust that plagued it, and it sat on the only lot that lacked grass. When it rained the loose sand turned into a thick slimy mud, which Jett often tracked into the house giving his mother another reason to give him hell.
Jett stepped off the bus and stretched a bit before beginning his clumsy walk up the drive way. Instead of going directly into the house where his mother would be waiting, he walked past her thirty year old pick up and slouched into the seat of the Camaro. His dad had left him the car it was a sixty nine Camaro, it had blacked out rims and black body paint to match. Jett had ran over a beer bottle that some redneck down the road had sabotaged the dirt road with, not that he didn’t mind ridding the bus, he just rather avoid all the smells and annoying people the old bus had to offer. Nash would be coming over later with a tire.
Jett and Nash were best friends, Nash didn’t mind to be caught hanging around Jett even the Nash was one of the schools most popular football players, he was close to six five and two hundred pounds of lean muscle, and was often referred to by most girls in school as being gorgeous. Jett on the other hand didn’t have an athletic bone in his body and even if he did he still wouldn’t play, he found that most of the guys that made up the team where shallow and simple minded, always talking about somebody, there were only a couple good guys on the team and Nash Gibson just so happened to be one.
“Jett, what are you doing?” Jett’s mom shouted from the front porch breaking Jett from his thoughts.
“Just checking on the car mom.” I replied climbing out from behind the wheel of the old car and shut the door behind me.
“How did your day go?” Jett’s mom said as he hiked up the stairs that led into his trailer.
“Just another day.” He replied with a yawn.
“Owe is that so, well if you would do something other than work you might actually enjoy your high school experience.” She said flatly.
“My high school experience.” Jett mocked as he crumpled into one of the old dining room chairs that at beside a matching table.
“I’m not going to be able to get you another tire this month.” She said ignoring Jett’s previous comment.
“That’s ok, Nash is bringing me one over later today.” Jett said standing and returning the old chair to its place underneath the table and left the tightly little kitchen area and stumbled his way down the hall that led into his cozy little bedroom, once in the room that was plastered with posters of half necked women, and muscle cars, and fell into the small bed that took up the center of his room.
Normally he would have laid there in his bed thinking about what awaited him after high school, but not this time Jett just faded slowly into sleep where the dreams of his dead father would surly await him.
Jett was awaken by a gentle knocking on his door. “Yeah?” he said as he raised up out of bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
“Nash is here.” Jett’s mom said cracking the door a bit.
“Ok, ill be out in a second.” Jett returned raising to his feet pulling his phone from its place in his pocket, and just as he suspected there was a message that read. Hay I’m on my way, should be there in a couple minutes. Jett checked the time on his phone that the message was received 5:12 is what the phone showed, he glanced over to his clock that showed 5:48 in a bright red Florissant light.
Jett returned the phone to his pocket and walked out of his room through the living room/ kitchen and half stumbled through the front door to which he found Nash twisting lug nuts off the flat tire.
“Man I really appreciate you bringing me this tire.” Jett said jumping down the stairs missing the first and last step.
“You know I don’t mind, but if you will grab the tire out of the back of the truck.” Nash said motioning towards the bed of his newer model Chevy
“Yeah no problem, hey you don’t have to change the tire too, I can manage that part.” Jett said letting out a small laugh.
“No, I got this, but there is a way you can pay me back.” Nash said throwing a grin over his shoulder.
“What do you have in mind?” Jett asked leaning against the rear of the Camaro.
“Do you know who Cassie is?” Nash asked twisting the last of the lug nuts free.
“Yeah, she’s always hanging out with Courtney.” Jett replied pushing himself off the Camaro and grabbing the flat tire and tossing it into the back of Nash’s truck.
“Yep that’s her, well she’s throwing a party tonight, and I need a wing man.” Nash said tightening the first of the lug nuts to the new tire.
“Nash man you know I don’t do the party scene.” Jett sighed as he ducked into the cab of his inherited Camaro turned the key and cranked the music just loud enough for Nash to hear it.
“I know, but I never hurts to ask.” Nash finished raising to his feet swiping at the dust that had settled on his letterman’s jacket.
“I wouldn’t mind going.” Kati butted in causing Jett and Nash both to jump.
“Yeah I don’t think so, I got my eyes on another.” Nash said strolling over to his truck then climbed in cranked it and yelled. “later Jett.” then he tore out of Jett’s sandy drive way, leaving nothing but the fading sound of his truck and the quiet sound of Jett’s radio.
“Is he still obsessed with that Courtney girl?” Kati asked pushing her glasses back onto her face.
“Yep.” Jett returned as he leaned in through the open window of his car and killed it, tucking the key into his pocket Jett said. “Do you know what book you want to read?” and the two of them walked up the steps and into the trailer.
End of chapter
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(“How did your day go?” Jett’s mom said) instead say "How did your day go?" Jett's mom ASKED.
there are other sentences you phrase weird. you're very creative about the actions and thoughts of your characters. i like how developed your characters are and how much detail you put into them.
Hey great job on your first post and welcome to YWS!! So far I think your story is great. I love the amount of detail you put into your first post. Some put to much in and others put to little but you put in the right amount and that gives a good feel to your character. Keep up the good work and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Hey There!
So congrats on your first post!
I enjoy how you write. You describe just enough but not too much, and still give the reader a good description. For example, I could clearly imagine the rusted out orange trailer, sitting on a dirt-dry lot, and with a '69 Camaro sitting outside. Great job on that.
The characters are also pretty well described and their personalities are also introduced. Something that you always hope to communicate in the first chapter.
Okay, unfortunately I have a few nitpicks. Fortunately there was only a few:
Run-on sentences are something that most writers had trouble with at some point. You had a few throughout the piece. For example:
It should probably be something more like this:
Something like that. Run-on sentences can cause the reader to become lost as they read. Writing well-structured sentences is one of the keys to making your writing better. Commas and semi-colons are great ways to break up longer sentences if they are used correctly and tastefully. They allow the reader to catch their breath and pause. Periods are probably one of the go-to punctuation marks. Use those if you're unsure where to insert commas or semi-colons. Also, if you have trouble finding where to place any of these, read the sentence to yourself. If you find that you're running out of breath or if you pause somewhere that might be a good spot to make a pause or create a new sentence. There were a few more instances of run-ons throughout the piece.
That was my only nitpick and it was really long winded, (sorry about that). However these are generally easy fixes and really depend on your writing style. Please let me know if you have any questions or need any help. It was a pleasure reading this work and I enjoyed it! I will be waiting to read more!
-Jadefox
thank you for your review, the tips are really helpful.