z

Young Writers Society


12+

Divinus

by Youngwriter724


“The symbol on those rings represents the Guardians order actually.” Dekiser began as the three of them sat just on the other side of the table. An hour before, Courtney couldn’t believe she had actually healed that deer. But it only got weirder from there.

“But there are only two knights, and three of us.” Travis said, spinning the ring on his finger.

“Yes, well the figures don’t represent you, one is for mankind and the other is for the Viridians… I guess to understand that you need to know who the Wardens of Peace were.” Dekiser said pausing long enough to look up at the mural on the ceiling.

Then he took a deep breath and went on. “You see when the Guardians started out, their task was to represent mankind to the council, and to protect them from the evils of magic. But over time, they became something else; something much greater. They began by forming an order of human knights known as Mankind’s Sword, who rode to battle with the Guardians on behalf of humans…”

“What do you mean battles? I thought you said the war ended with the creation of the council and the Guardians.” Travis interrupted leaning in over the table, listening intently.

This is a lot to take in, and a lot for him to expect us to just take on his word. Courtney thought, though she admittedly couldn’t honestly say it was a lie after everything they had experienced.

“Yes, the war of Viridians vs Mankind had ended, well the major war anyway. There were still skirmishes, as well as those who weren’t content with letting things lie as they were. There were battles between guilds to establish who got to rule on the council, which led to human casualties, then there were the witches, and warlocks of the humans, some who in order to gain more power sacrificed their humanity. Also there were a few guilds who created a faction that despised humans, and believed that their place were as slaves. In all cases, the Guardians along with Mankind’s Sword took the field.” Dekiser answered looking surprised at how well Travis was retaining the information dump.

“Wait I thought only Viridians had magic.” Jett interrupted.

“No, the Viridians had abilities. In a more modern sense I guess you could say they have super powers. Whereas humans had actual magic, you know umm… Sorcery, spells enchantments, like the rings your wearing for instance. I’m sure you have heard of Merlin; his legend survives even today. Anyway, they numbered even fewer than the Viridians, but enough of that we will talk more on them later. For they are an altogether different tale.”

“Yet over time the Guardians and their knights took on a bigger role, they were a force for good that protected all innocents, rather they be Viridian or Human. Recognizing this, as well as their potential, the council formed the Guardians Guild. A group of Viridians who were to join the Guardians, together we were charged with keeping the peace throughout the land.” Dekiser said falling silent with a faraway look in his dark Stoney eyes.

“Where they able to do it? Keep the peace I mean.” Courtney prodded gently, she couldn’t say quite when it happened, but she not only believed him. Or at the very least believe that he believed it. Either way she was hanging on his every word, completely enthralled in the tale.

Dekiser visibly shook himself from the trance and went on with a light in his eyes, and a slight smile looking very odd on his hard usually emotionless face. “Oh yes, we were very successful; for a time. And with our success we earned praise and renown all across the world, holding many titles throughout the generations of humans and Viridians. Forging kingdoms and great armies as we spread across the known and unknown world. At the height of our fame, we changed our name; and adopted a symbol. We called ourselves, The Wardens of Peace.”

That’s when it dawned on Courtney that he was saying, we; and not they. “You were part of this order?” She blurted unable to help herself. He laughed, a gesture that shook her a bit. It was like seeing a leopard in the form of a house cat, though not completely, he still looks like a dangerous man, ready to uncoil at a moment’s notice. She reminded herself as he spoke again.

“That I was, though young at the time and just joining the order when it all began to crumble. Anyway, the symbol, to answer your question Mr. Colt.” He said turning his attention back to Travis, all happiness gone, and his face looking as if it were carved from the stone around them. “One of the knights represent Mankind’s Sword, and the other the Guardians Guild. Together they were the shield between good and evil, war and peace.”

“Not to long after we became the Wardens of Peace, a faction headed by a once great member of the council, began to fear or maybe even just despise the success and fame of our order; and launched a coup. His goal was to reform the council and lead it on a darker path, a path were Viridians once again held the reins of power. So, one day when the Wardens of Peace and the council were meeting, he stormed in with his army and a battle ensued. In this battle the council was lost, along with most of their supporting guilds and a good portion of the Wardens army. At the same time and unknown to us, he was taking the rival family’s and everyone who stood against him…” Dekiser voice broke a little and his expression darkened.

“left with no options, we gathered those we could and fled across the ocean to a new land, the Americas as their now known. We weren’t just giving up; the plan was to reorganize and refit for a counter strike. Though not long after we landed, we found a portion of the enemy’s armies waiting for us; and at a terrible cost we defeated them. Realizing shortly after that they weren’t far behind us, we fled further inland; all the way to the opposing ocean. Then we used our remaining time to build this city, to train and prepare for the battle that we knew was approaching…”

“But, what happened to the orders great armies, they couldn’t have all been destroyed. And what about Solamen A’Mara? Didn’t he say there would be consequences if something like tha…” Travis began, when Dekiser once again fell silent for a few minutes. Courtney winced a bit at the questions, it wasn’t hard to tell that this was hard for Dekiser.

“Travis. Give him a moment.” Jett whispered, picking up on the older man’s mood.

Dekiser looked as if he wanted to look up at the painting again but restrained himself with effort that even Travis noticed before falling solemn. So strange to see a man so sturdy look so off balance. Courtney thought shifting uncomfortably in the hard chair.

“That they were not, everyone who couldn’t flee with us joined the enemy. Though they had little choice, after realizing that their family’s lives were at stake. Well that was just the Viridians, the humans of the order faced something worse than death. The leader of the rebellion possessed a dark forbidden ability. He could turn humans into dark emotionless creatures that lacked any trace of their humanity, they were called fiechs. So, as the enemy closed in on us, with an army so large our only hope was barricading ourselves in here and fighting from the defense...” Dekiser looked around the city this time. And Courtney wondered if he could still see his friends and family gathering here waiting and preparing for a battle they all knew could only end in a great loss, either losing and plunging the world into darkness. Or, and maybe even worse; winning at the price of killing their own family’s and comrades. The thought chilled her to the bone, so she banished it and leaned into Dekiser’s words.

“…It was at this time that Solamen A’Mara reappeared. Bringing with him an alternative to war and death… This alternative had more consequences than any of us imagined. Though it did succeed in buying humanity some time allowing them to prepare.”

“The Divinus stone?” Jett asked without looking up from the table.

“Precisely. And the story begins to come to an end, for we used are remaining time and recourses to launch a quest for the heart of the earth, the Divinus stone. A’Mara lead the Guardians across the world for the stone. Lucky for us they returned just days before the enemy. The plan was quite simple, our army would keep the enemy at bay just long enough for A’Mara to prepare the stone. We all thought that the stone would only imprison the enemy, no one else knew they would soon be erased…”

“But you weren’t?” Courtney pointed out confused and overwhelmed.

“No, as the battle was being fought a few miles from where we now sit, the Guardians revealed the prophesy. When those who are worthy stumble onto the stone, so shall the world start its third era. Only upon their success can the curse be entirely broken. One of the noble Order shall remain, to guide them, to teach them. For their time will be short, as the enemy will not be bound long.” Dekiser finished leaning back in his chair as he fell silent.

“What does that mean, and if the Viridians are reappearing, why not the original Guardians?” Travis asked looking defeated and confused.

“The prophesy means that when you activate the stone, the viridians would be released. And only upon your success would they remain free. Though only oden knows what that meant, A’Mara willing she will appear when the time is required.” Dekiser paused looking years older as he weighed his words, looking them all over before coming to his feet as he went on

“I was told that the stone, in order to work required a great sacrifice in order to work properly. So, in creating a second chance the Guardians, as well as A’Mara I think gave up their lives.”

“And I take it that the first era was prior to the forming of the council, and birth of the Guardians; The second being before their fall.” Courtney said distractedly as she sat there lost in thought.

“Yes, that is correct. Now, I must be going, you may stay here as long as you need, for it is your inheritance after all. Along with this great responsibility, and burden. After tonight, Take the time you need; then join me back here to begin your training.” And with that he was gone, not making a sound as he climbed the steps.

“No pressure…” Jett mumbled as they all remained motionless.


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12 Reviews


Points: 1771
Reviews: 12

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Sun Apr 29, 2018 2:45 am
123pinkrose wrote a review...



That was really interesting. I like how detailed the world is and I would like to read more of this if you ever write more, because this whole story feels like it is there to set up a different one or to even be in the middle. So I would like to see what you can do with this world, you are setting up.
Ok on to grammar errors. So there are a lot of comma splice errors in this. Comma splice is where 2 or more full sentences are connected by a comma. Parts like "Now, I must be going, you may stay here as long as you need" and "Yes, well the figures don’t represent you, one is for mankind and the other is for the Viridians" should either have conjunction between them or just add a semicolon. It is a pretty easy fix.
Also on this sentence "Oh yes, we were very successful; for a time" replace the semicolon with a comma.
Also after dialogue when you want to have a he says or she says or want to continue the sentence in any type of way after the dialogue stops, instead of the normal punctuation their needs to be a comma instead. sentences like "'The symbol on those rings represents the Guardians order actually.' Dekiser began" and "'But there are only two knights, and three of us.' Travis said" have this problem.
Another grammar issue I had is that some possessive nouns needed 's but they just had an "s". Parts like "Guardians Guild" and "the Wardens army" have that problem. This was not that big of problem but I still think it is worth mentioning.
I recommend skimming through the story again correcting the errors I said before and any other grammar errors that I might have missed.
Ok but on to the actual story part I really enjoyed even though it was mostly exposition. But if it is setting up more things in the future I think is fine. Maybe you can try trying make it feel like it is less of one person telling a speech for a long time by having more of the other characters in the room asking questions. But that is just a suggestion, you do not need to if you do not want to it is up to you.
Overall I like this and did intrigue me. Other than some grammar errors I think this is quite solid and I would like to see more of this. It is a pretty detailed and interesting world you are setting up and I find the story really interesting.
Thanks for letting me read this and giving me a chance to review it. Bye.




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107 Reviews


Points: 333
Reviews: 107

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Thu Apr 26, 2018 5:07 pm
ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



Hello, it's the chirave canicthus here to review your work!

The title is very interesting, and reminds me of Divine or divining as an act. It makes me realize magic is going to be involved in the work. Reading through, it’s interesting that the title’s based on the macguffin in the work, something that’s not often seen.

Hoo boy. This work looks like it’s there for nothing but exposition. The old adage show don’t tell comes to play here, and I think it’s important to let the narrative drop some of the knowledge more naturally. This is a first draft and thus this is more forgiveable but for future chapters and editing I believe it’d be a good idea to leave dialogue to move plot along. Exposition can be told through memory or things the main character already knows. If you want to reveal information to both the main character and reader, I feel like actions of other characters can be used to your advantage. This adds a more seamless flow to your work and can help your style realize its full potential.

Again, to continue on content, it’s dry. You have rather large paragraphs of dialogue, and unless a speech is being told, it just isn’t realistic. You can break up your dialogue with actions (which can convey personality, like ‘“we called ourselves The Wardens of Peace,” he said, a grim smile marking his jaw.’) or with an interruption (“… a path were Viridians once again held the reins of power.” “Who?” “The only important thing is what he did. So, one day…” or a small description of the surroundings. (“and at a terrible cost we defeated them. The [lighting description] began to betray his age”)

In doing such, you add description and atmosphere to your story, something that this would gravely need.

The grammar is mostly good, but I would recommend reading your story aloud before posting. It allows you to slow down and take in every word. There, you can pick up where commas would naturally fall, as well as be able to read where you mixed up any homonyms.

In the end, this work has a lot of potential! It’s well-written and your style begins to show through. It’s filled with a lot of good worldbuilding and I’m looking forward to seeing how the story plays out. I believe that you need to work on naturally conveying information in the story, as well as describing things more to allow us to envision more about the story.

Thank you for letting me review, and I hope that the second review to save it from the green room comes soon!





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