(Note :
Western Kingdom - Rame & Ryan ||
Eastern Kingdom - Swix, Sare, Sxes, Marian, Epsilon ||
The Wall under Sxes(Capital of Eastern Kingdom) )
Rame (Western Kingdom):
Having a beautiful palace at one end near the sea-shore.
The whole place is surrounded by a wall.
Thrice is bigger than Ryan.
It had Battle-Arena, Art-Schools, Military-Schools, It had Everything.
Most modernized Kingdom.
The perfect Kingdom.
Today,
Rame had a regular meeting.
The meeting was held in the throne room.
King Artez sitting on the throne and getting to know issues and other things.
The meeting goes normally until a messenger comes up with a letter from Ryan.
So, they halt the meeting, and the King gives the order to the messenger to read it aloud.
Messenger denied and said: "King of Ryan wants to make sure it first reaches out to the King."
King agrees.
So, Messenger reached out to the king to deliver the letter to the Master of Rame, Master Jorge, and then, Master Jorge gave the letter to the King.
and he reads the letter by himself. In the letter, it's mentioned that King of Ryan is hosting the meeting outside Rame.
King Artez didn't understand why the messenger didn't read out this letter. He didn't find anything odd with a letter.
He was a little confused so, call off the meeting. In the end, he asked Master Jorge to meet privately.
Master Jorge says: "It is about a letter from Ryan?"
King Artez gave the letter to the master and said: "I didn't understand, it's just a meeting invitation. But I still don't understand why he didn't want to read out loud."
Master Jorge read the whole message: "So, he invited the King of Rame to Ryan."
King Artez says: "he is. He can come here. also, if he wants."
Master Jorge says: "I know that boy, I was his teacher. He wants to meet you at his venue where he's going to have little weight on you. He Knows if he held a meeting Rame the same word did not have much weight. He is really up to something."
King Artez says: "Might be true, but what's he is going to discuss, there is nothing to discuss. everything is fine between both Kingdoms."
King Artez says: "It might be a good time to see an old friend. lots of years gone."
Master Jorge says: "so, you are going to accept the invitation. then,"
King Artez says: "Is there any problem with it?"
Master says: "No, there's no problem with accepting the invitation. but,"
King Artez says: "But, what?"
Master Jorge says: "Can you do me a favor, there's no problem with the acceptance letter but we can ask him for a neutral venue."
King says: "I will consider it. Going to reply tomorrow morning."
and he leaves.
King starts walking toward his restroom. and he listens to the beautiful tone of the piano falling on his ear. He follows that tone. One woman is sitting on a silver chair lashing out like an angel. She is the Queen of Rame Queen Melissa.
He just stared at her. She completely fell into music and started sweating. The music hit a hard to his heart as well as seeing her completely lost he just stared for a minute and she finally fell to the ground.
King ran to her to pick her up. and start a walk over to the restroom.
King Artez says: "Mel, you are not looking well, take care of yourself, the doctor said to rest in bed. must listen to the doctor."
Queen Melissa says: "Every time I feel ill, Music and your kind words always heal me."
he chuckles and says: "That's true but I think music comes first then my kind words."
Queen Melissa smiled.
King says: "Too many people ask about your health constantly. Everyone wants you to recover."
The Queen says: "I know, everyone loves me."
King says: "That's true."
The Queen says: "Sometimes I even feel gods like me more."
King stops her: "Shhh…, Don't!"
and they reached their room and he put her on the bed and sat on the bed holding her hand and said: "Please take care of yourself."
She says: "I am, don't worry about me. After all, I was born in Rame."
King says: "Today, we received the invitation from Ryan."
The Queen says: "About what?"
King says: "Don't know, but it's been many years since I saw him."
The Queen says: "He is your close friend, isn't he?"
King says: "He is, we grew up together, learned together. Now, Serving our Kingdoms."
The Queen says: "It's going to be good, trust me."
King forwarded a two-finger and said: "Can you choose any finger."
The Queen says: "For what?"
King says: "Just choose it."
The Queen chooses one and says: "What's for."
King says: "I had a question in mind, you can help me to solve it."
The Queen says: "did I?"
he lies on the bed and says: "you did, so, it's been a long day I feel sleepy."
and he finally sleeps and the Queen turns the candles off.
The next day, a letter was sent to Ryan.
Ryan acknowledges concern over location and King of Ryan resends the letter to Rame about Ryan completely agreeing on Rame's terms of meeting and meeting going to hold up in an upcoming month on a neutral venue.
Rame - Ryan (Wstern Kingdoms):
The day of the meeting comes,
Ryan organized a beautiful tent-like structure for the meeting.
The King of Rame arrived with a master of Rame with some handful and trusted man.
The meeting is going to take place in three-phase.
In the first phase, they are going to a greeting and lunch.
In the second phase, going to a held meeting between only two Kings.
In the third phase, a discussion on current terms about two-kingdom, and some conversations with masters and council member involvement.
The first phase is done. They move onto the second phase where only two kings meet.
King of Rame, king Artez says: "It's been a long time, hasn't it, Ace."
King of Ryan, King Acelin smiled and hugged him tightly and said: "It is, my friend, I am dying to meet you."
The King of Rame says: "I am also."
King of Ryan points to a chair and says: "Let's sit."
The King of Rame sits and says: "So, how is Rose? the Queen of Ryan."
King of Ryan says: "She is fine, how is Queen Melissa."
King of Rame lies: "She is also fined."
King of Ryan: "It reminds me of old days, days when we were just boys. Now here we are Representing our Kingdom. Never thought about this day."
The King of Rame says: "You help to reach me where I am today."
King of Ryan says: "Can I come directly to point, I am not here for any political, or any kind of discussion."
The King of Rame is a little confused and asks: "Why are we here, is there any problem?"
King of Ryan says: "Everything is fine. Can you lend some men?"
The King of Rame is completely shocked and says: "What? and why?"
King of Ryan says: "I need an army."
The King of Rame says: "For what, why do you need my men?"
King of Ryan says: "I am going to attack THE WALL, so I need some skillful men."
The King of Rame chuckles and says: "you're mad. But I can't let my men die in an unmeaningful battle. The east has magic, you know it."
King of Ryan says: "It's time for the West to rise and shine. If not today. then it is never going to happen. Please, I need you, my friend."
The King of Rame says: "I know, I owe you, but I am king also. I can't lend you, my men."
King of Ryan says: "So, you're denying to give me men."
The King of Rame says: "what kind of king gives his men to die."
King of Ryan says: "So, it's no then."
The King of Rame says: "It is."
Tension escalates with every word.
King of Ryan says: "So, it's the end of our Brotherhood. then,"
The King of Rame says: "Are you sure? Where I am standing, I only think Ryan always needs Rame."
King of Ryan says: "You are crossing your line; my friend be careful."
The King of Rame says: "Ryan is incapable of doing anything without Rame, that's the fact. "
King of Ryan says: "Are you done talking, it’s final then, Ryan going to war with..."
The King of Rame says: "Don't ever think to attack THE WALL."
King of Ryan says: "I am saying Rame, Ryan is going to war with Rame."
King of Rame chuckled and left the tent before leaving and he accepted the War invitation.
and says: "It's going to war between two Brothers and remember this, it is the end of brotherhood. and you are responsible for that."
King Acelin, King of Ryan agreed.
After this, the third phase got canceled.
They visit their councils and the whole council members get shocked by the decision. they don't even imagine what happens between both Kings.
The meeting took a completely unexpected turn.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hello Yp!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I saw your chapter in the Green Room and decided to bump it out. I have not read the previous chapters though so I am going to base this review from what I thought and interpreted from this chapter alone. I apologize beforehand if I get anything wrong!
First of all, that is a cool map you have presented in the beginning! I can see that you have put a lot of thought into it and I appreciate you providing us with the little information at the bottom to help us navigate and understand what we are supposed to be seeing in the map. However, as Icy mentioned, I think this is something that would work a whole lot better if you stretched it out into a few short sentences. They would make for some excellent world-building and get us a deeper idea of this world you have so thoughtfully created. However, because of the way its been presented, this information fails to invest us into the story and we forget about it the second we move into the main narration.
Another thing I think you can improve on is the narration. I feel like you really need to expand on your sentences to give them the depth and meaning that really arrest the readers' attention. It felt like you have only just provided us with a summary of the chapter without excluding the dialogues. As a result, it gets a little monotonous to read after all, and the names all blend into another as it starts to feel like we are reading literary notes. I think one way you can overcome this problem is by including more descriptions and the thoughts and feelings of the characters. That would bring in the personal touch this chapter was missing and the readers would feel more invested in the characters and their stories once they actually know more about them.
I also think that you can tweak the dialogues between the characters and place them a little bit differently. The way you have presented the dialogue tags made me feel like I was reading a script, and you don't want your readers thinking that about your story. You can improve this by including the character's expressions, their physical gestures while they are talking and their reactions to the conversation they are having. That way your characters will feel fleshed out and you will actually be able to hold the readers in their conversations.
As for the plot, you seem to have a solid story here. I can feel that there is a lot of politics involved in the story and there is something bigger brewing in the background. I do not have much information about what exactly is going on between Ryan and Rame, but I do have a feeling that the meeting did not go down exactly in the way they had expected it to. However, both the Kings seemed unperturbed by the clear declaration of war between their two kingdoms. They seemed more nonchalant and care free than their own council members who appear a lot more disturbed by this unexpected turn of events. It certainly makes for interesting plot building as the readers now wait for the big storm to rise.
It will be 'fine' here, not 'fined'. 'Fined' has a completely different meaning and it just does not work here.
On another note, there are quite a lot of typos like this one scattered around the chapter. Your sentences were a little choppy at parts and while they are quite harmless, little errors like these grab the reader's attention and disrupt the flow, making it difficult to follow the text. However, its nothing a little editing can't fix!
Overall, this story has solid potential but it needs some serious brushing up. I think if re-read the chapter and make some edits and expansions, it will really transform the text and make it more intriguing for the readers!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hey there YP! I saw that chapter 4 was also in the Green Room right after I finished the review for chapter 3 so I thought I would just continue where I left off. I'm interested to know if you plan to change the maps for future chapters if your characters go travelling? Or is the idea that this map would be at the start or end of the book rather than at the beginning of each chapter? It would be really interesting to see it in more detail, and know a bit more about the terrain in each of the different areas? And is the world small or large? None of these are necessary for the story, I'm just curious xD
This is a prime example of where you could really elevate your description. As this is a fictional world, readers don't know anything about it and it's down to you to take them on this metaphorical journey. I want to be able to picture the places you're talking about to help me get more invested in the story. For instance, what is the environment like? Is it mostly flat, or are there mountain ridges that border the east? Will I find thick forests, or are the trees sparse due to being cut down to make space for all the military schools? And what's the weather like? Are there four moons? Things like this will really help to build the world up as the story progresses.
This whole interaction is a little confusing as we as the reader don't hear the message. When Master Jorge reads it aloud, it would be helpful to put it in the text, I think.
After that, the back and forth discussion goes on for quite a while. I think you could summarise a few sections of it, rather than have each line in the chapter as it becomes difficult to read when it's so long.
Things like this are helpful to let us know how the conversation is being received but I'd like to see that tension too. What are people's expressions like? Are they speaking in strained voices?
I think the bones of the story here look promising, I just think there's a bit of fleshing out to be done to really capture the attention of the reader and also to do the story justice!
Hope this was helpful.
Icy