Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Karliah’s secret visit was the only real interaction Do’amha had for the next few days. A section of his tail, the size of two hand’s width, was practically rubbed bald and raw near the tip of his tail. The pain was the only thing that ensured him that he was still alive and not lost within The Void.
Just when he thought that he might go mad if he stayed in The Box a moment longer, the door suddenly opened. Do’amha had to blink a few times as the torch light blinded him. He was half-dragged and half-collapsed out of The Box, thankful that he was no longer confined in such a small and dark place.
“I take it that you have learned your lesson?” Omeloren sneered as he watched his slave tumble out of the torture device.
Do’amha wanted to strangle the life out of the Altmer, feel the life drain from between his paws, but he couldn’t. Half rotten food, sleep deprived, and nearly choking to death on the stench, he simply couldn’t muster enough energy to do more than hold himself up on hands and knees.
“Y...Yes…Master…Omeloren,” he finally said between ragged gasps.
“You have missed several fights due to your punishment, slave. However, you do have a chance to earn some of that lost coin back. We have a guest looking over the slaves in the pits today. If you behave yourself, this could be quite beneficial for all of us,” Omeloren chuckled. “Get him cleaned up. A good rinse should be enough to get that filth off of him.”
The guards chuckled as they dragged the nearly unconscious Do’amha to a nearby wall. Dropping him against it, one reached out with his magik and gathered a large collection of water in a floating orb. "How did you do that?" one asked the other.
"I've been practicing my alteration magik," the other replied.
"That's pretty good!"
"You think that was good, wait till you see this."
The guard threw his hand forward toward Do'amha and a jet of water followed in direction. The freezing water crashed into Do'amha's weakened body, the sudden wave rushing into his face made him sputter and cough as he tried to get air. The torrent of water pressed him against the stones and fought against his hands that tried to cover his head. It took everything he had to roll over so that the stinging water was hammering against his back instead of his chest and face. The once clear water ran murky after it struck his soiled fur and clothing, creating a brown puddle around him.
Shivering and trying to curl up for warmth, Do’amha’s wrapped his arms around his torso tightly. He was dragged up the scruff of his neck and through the halls, still soaked and shivering. Murmurs rippled through the slave pits as he was dragged in. Many of them surprised that he was still alive.
The guards dropped Do’amha unceremoniously on the ground in his cell. The one that had sprayed him down kicked him over.
“What’s that for?” the other guard asked as the first produced a vial of green liquid.
“The boss wants him to be lively when the customer comes through. Told me to give him this. Help me hold him down.”
The other guard pinned Do’amha’s shoulder to the floor with his knee like the first was doing. The first grabbed hold of Do'amha's jaw and forced him to open before shoving the neck of the vial into his mouth and let the potion start glugging into Do’amha’s mouth.
He nearly drowned as the potion started to go down the wrong pipe. He sputtered, coughing up some of the potion onto the guards as they fought to hold him still. The potion itself tasted awful, like dust, old fish, and burned meat, which only made his gagging worse. Seeing it as resisting, the second guard pinched Do’amha’s nose closed effectively cutting off his airway. Do’amha thrashed as much as his weakened body would let him as he gagged down the concoction until the vial was left empty.
The two guards laughed as the released Do’amha letting him roll over onto his side and began coughing up what had gone down his wind pipe. They quickly locked the door as the potion began to take effect, quickly bringing some strength back to his tired body. He still felt like he had been dragged by a horse, an experience he actually knew about, but he seemed to have a second wind. It wasn't the first time that he was given one of those green potions, though previous occasions had been after he had pleased some paying customer and had to head into the right after. Couldn't be tired when you were fighting for your life.
Still panting, it took almost no time at all for him to have enough energy to get to stand on his own two feet. His legs still shook and his body was still in pain, but he was able to make it to hold himself up. Perfect timing it seemed, since the door at the far end of the pits opened and in strode Omeloren and his special guest.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Aaaah, it only took me a little over three months to get back into this.
Why is he chuckling? That doesn't really fit the tone of the dialogue I was getting, but Thalmor are usually rather serious in their demands. Same with the guards -- it's a little off that they'd be laughing on their duty. I know you want to convey their cruelty, but there are other ways to go about it.
Really nice description -- though I think you can maybe include the freezing adjective in the first sentence so the reader gets that immediate impression that this water is cold, it stings, and then you get more into depth of how much it stings.
Here you can change the second instant of "potion" to something more literal so the reader can have a better sense of what the potion is like right away. Say "vile liquid" or "disgusting phlegm" or something along those lines. We know it's a potion, so give us something else.
And this is a great hook at the end.
One thing about the stamina potion is it actual reveals a lot of questions about Do'amha's backstory. more so the fact that he didn't seem to know it was a stamina potion despite having been given them before. Was he a warrior before he was enslaved by the Thalmor? If so, how could he not have had a ton of stamina potions before? If not, how could the Thalmor alone train him to be so incredibly competent?
This was incredibly gripping. Not only in the detail, but in the way you're able to resonate such feelings from your characters to your readers; solicitude for Do'amha, anger towards the Thalmor, and the curiosity Karliah adds to the mix. They really come alive in a way not many writers are able to get to do so. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Poor guy, that Box sounds absolutely horrid. It's got pretty much every element of the worst tortures, even the sleep deprivation. I like how you rearranged things and moved Karliah's visit into this chapter, and it looks like she'll be a good/believable plot device to get him out of here. I did find it a bit convenient that after all that horrible torture, they give him a potion and then he's immediately back on his feet. It almost makes me wonder, what was the point of all that detail, if he's not even going to continue to suffer the effects. Usually for torture scenes I recommend a distinct purpose, a change or development in the characters (for instance, how far a character will push another if the hero is the torturer, or how much a character can withstand or not if they're the victim). Pressing a reset button felt unsatisfying to me.
Other than that, I didn't have much issue with this chapter. I think there are a few places you could tighten up your prose--some over-wordiness and stuff like that. Let me see if I can pick out some examples.
Just little places like that scattered throughout, where something like 2-5 words could be cut, or you could use fewer words to say the same thing.
I would only like to address one thing about your review. The potion that he was given does not heal him. He still has the effects of sleep deprevations, muscle exhaustion, partial starvation and the like. The potion given to him from the game is a Potion of Stamina. It literally just gives the character a second wind so to speak, without actually healing anything.
That makes sense, maybe you could highlight that a bit? Does he recognize it for what it is?
Hmm...I hadn't thought about if he has had them before. Good point to bring up. I may have some changes to this in the future.
Hey there, XxXTheSwordsmanXxX!
There were a couple times that he was given food and then a few minutes later fed again and had to scramble to keep from dropping the meal.
Is there a reason for this? It just seems odd. Why would they bother giving a prisoner more food only a few minutes later? Isn't that a waste of their time?
What made it worse was that when he slipped on the ledge his feet would step into the sewage beneath him and, lacking a means of cleaning himself, he was forced to let it dry into the fur on his feet and between his toes.
You have some really nicely written (and disgusting) imagery throughout the chapter. The phrases above stood out to me as some of the best.
He realized just out stiff and cramped his legs really were.
You wrote 'out' instead of 'how'.
Dropping him against it, one reached out with his magic and gathered a large collection of water in a floating orb.
I'm pretty sure this was done intentionally but I thought I'd point it out just in case. In dialogue, you say 'magik' with a K, but here you've just said plain 'magic' with a C.
Many of them surprised that he was still alive.
You forget a 'were' before 'surprised'.
Your scene and chapter endings are excellent. They're conclusive, but also act as cliffhangers to make me want to keep reading. Overall, this chapter was very well written. Thanks for sharing.