“Where in Oblivion is she?” Do’amha hissed as he paused to pull a thorn from his foot. He had been walking for nearly two hours. The freezing water clung to his fur and rags. The comforting, cool breeze became stabbing icicles that cut to the bone. Of all the things he hated, being cold and wet was high up on the list. Tossing the thorn into the river, he sighed as he continued his trudge through along the riverbank.
It is rather peaceful, he thought to himself. Makes me feel uneasy.
He tried to think of a time that he could remember peace and quiet. Some time when the threat of death and torture wasn’t hanging over him. A fleeting moment when there wasn’t anything to worry about.
Of course there wasn’t.
All Do’amha could remember was the cages and bars. The arena. The campfires.
Campfires?
Snapping out of his self-induced day dream he could see a small light up ahead. A fire. His pace picked up as he hurried toward it.
It must be Karliah.
But what if it isn’t? A voice in the back of his mind chided.
Do’amha stopped in his tracks as he just stared at the small dancing fire. It reminded him of the inferno that he had just outrun hours ago, but it would be warm. Warm enough to fight off the piercing cold clinging to his fur.
He sighed as he knew that the voice was right. He couldn’t just assume that this was Karliah.
He had to be sure.
The forest around him would provide decent cover as he began stalking closer. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he just felt the need to get down on all fours. His fingers splayed out to disperse his weight more evenly as he crept forward. His tail swayed slightly out behind him for balance. His movements were silent as he moved ever closer to the fire. He couldn’t place a single time that he had ever done this before.
Why does this feel so natural? He thought.
Just outside the ring of light, he paused letting his eyes adjust to the combating flickers of light and dark in the sheltered clearing. Beside the fire was a lone figure. The silhouette was cloaked with a hood making it impossible for Do’amha to see who it was.
With a sigh he began stalking forward once again. If he could take the figure by surprise then he could find out for sure who it was. If it wasn’t Karliah, then he could just leave before they had time to react.
He paused, his hand frozen in midair as he felt the cool edge of a dagger against his throat.
How did I miss someone right beside me!? He cried within his own mind.
“Had I not been expecting you, you may have snuck up on me,” said a familiar sultry voice.
Slowly, like a sheet begin drawn away in some illusionary trick, the dagger came into view, as well as the person wielding in. Do’amha’s eyes widened in disbelief as Karliah slowly appeared from thin air.
“Close your mouth, Do’amha. Or you will start catching flies,” Karliah giggled as she sheathed her ebony dagger.
Do’amha quickly snapped his jaws closed that he hadn’t realized had fallen open. He stood up on shaking legs as he followed the Dunmer into the glow of the fire.
“Vajrasha. Do’amha is here,” Karliah chimed softly.
The figure by the fire suddenly turned her head and quickly got to her feet before throwing her arms around Do’amha’s neck.
“This one is so glad that you are alright, brother,” Vajrasha sighed into his chest. “Vajrasha feared that she may never see you again. Were you hurt?”
“I am fine. No injuries,” Do’amha said as she pulled away to look him over. He felt saddened as he could see that there was something different about her.
Her eyes didn’t have that hopeful light in them anymore.
That innocence.
He couldn’t help noticing that she was wearing the mostly stitched together clothing that she had worn from the night she was raped. Thread barely held together the frayed ends of the fabric in a mismatched means of keeping them together.
“Thank the Divines,” she muttered before she stumbled. She would have fallen to the ground if Do’amha hadn’t caught her.
“Will you sleep now, Vajrasha?” Karliah asked with a worried tone. Vajrasha nodded as she moved by the fire and curled up with the cloak around her. Within moments she was passed out and muttering in her sleep.
“She hasn’t sleep well since we got her out,” Karliah sighed. “She didn’t want to sleep until she saw you again.”
Do’amha nodded as he sat beside the fire with a groan. His sore feet letting him know that he over-exerted himself on the escape. He began rubbing them to try and appease their demand for attention.
“I am sure that I will not be far behind her,” Do’amha said. He turned his gaze to Karliah with a rather irritated gaze.
“Could you not afford to get her some better clothes?” His words dripped with venom that seemed to actually hurt Karliah.
“I tried to give her some new clothes, but she refuses to take those other ones off. She only took the cloak so that she could cover herself when she stitches up those rags. I have spent the last week trying to get her to give them up.”
“She has been stitching those clothes for the last week?” Do’amha asked in confusion. “That does not make sense. She could have those stitched up within a day. She would mend my breeches when they were torn in the arena.”
“I don’t know…all I know is that she mends them to the state that you see them in now, and by tomorrow they were worse off and she is stitching them again. But I don’t appreciate the accusations that I would leave her like that.”
Do’amha sighed and rubbed that back of his head.
“I am sorry,” he said.“I do not mean to attack you with my words. I am not used to people showing any form of kindness. You have done something for me that I cannot hope to repay.”
“Well…I couldn’t leave you in there like that.”
“I was not talking about helping me escape.”
Do’amha’s gaze turned to Vajrasha, still sleeping soundly by the fire.
“I see,” Karliah said with realization. She smiled as she put her hand on his shoulder. “You should sleep too. We have a long journey and you will need all the rest you can get.”
“What about the guards? They will send out a search party.”
“I will stand watch. If anything is coming, I will let you know.”
Karliah gave him a pat on the shoulder as she moved off into the forest, vanishing once again into the night air.
How does she do that? He thought.But the call of sleep was too strong to ignore any longer. He stretched out by the fire and rested his arms behind his head as he stared up at the night sky. Stars, like pin holes in the curtain of night, sparkled back at him for the first time that he could remember.
I could get used to this, he thought before drifting off to sleep.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again and back for more. Today's episode was the "sequel" to last time's "scene," which is well timed--everyone taking stock of where they're at, slowing the pace down for a moment. The campfires comment near the beginning made me lol
Plot and character-wise, nothing really stood out to me for comments. It seems Vajrasha has definitely got some issues going on that Do'amha will have to figure out. I'm not entirely clear on their relationship--brother-sister, lovers, something else? My guess was that they're fond of each other, but still getting to know each other. Karliah, it seems, is versed in magic, and I wouldn't mind a touch more characterization from her.
I suppose since the biggest area for improvement still seems to be prose, I'll pick a few things to point out...
The first sentence here is an awkward mouthful. I think this pair of lines also does more telling as opposed to showing, and you could kill two birds with one stone by rewording. Also notice the first one is hinged around "was" instead of a more vivid verb. Maybe if I were writing it, I might say something like... Freezing river water dripped off his rags and plastered his fur to his skin. He shivered as he picked his way through the underbrush away from the shallow crossing.
Another mouthful. A really good trick is to read the whole thing out loud to yourself before you submit. Can really help you catch things you wouldn't notice otherwise. In this example, I think it would do better as more than one sentence. Do'amha stopped. The small dancing fire reminded him of the inferno he'd recently outrun. (note also you can trim out some extra words)
Here's a spot where you can condense. The fire silhouetted a lone figure, its back to Do'amha.
Here's one where a comma after "light" and "paused" would make the sentence a lot smoother.
There are a few examples for you. Look for more places where you can trim, condense, and improve flow!
This was a really good chapter. I liked it a lot. You put the right amount of description that gave the imagination of the readers to see, but not enough to overwhelm. NO grammatical errors, which was VERY refreshing. You write in a very mature style which is crisp and elegant. I like that a lot. Even though I just started reading, I could feel that there was so much content in what I read, I didn't feel like I didn't understand because you did such a good job in telling the story so far that I pretty much knew what was going on. I also felt feelings for the characters because they have been through hardships. I like the way you sewed those little details in there, it's a great trail of clues for new readers (such as myself). Everything was super well paced and a very enjoyable read. The ending was darn near perfect too. Great job, I love your style of writing.
Well, I'm here as you tagged me. And veeery happy to be here.
Hopefully you haven't gotten sick or frustrated with my style of reviewing; I just like to type my thoughts as I read, not afterward.
“Where in Oblivion is she?” Do’amha hissed as he paused to pull a thorn from his foot. He had been walking for nearly two hours.
So some time has passed since the previous chapter, I see. The transition between scenes was really smooth. The dialogue reminds the reader of the conflict or problem, anf the thorn in his foot made his frustration nice and vivid.
A fleeting moment when there wasn’t anything to worry about.
Of course there wasn’t anything.
The 'anything' is a little repetitive. I suggest rewording the second sentence.
Her eyes didn’t have that hopeful light in them anymore.
This observation was a nice touch. It touched my heart.
Do’amha sighed and rubbed that back of his head.
“I am sorry,” he said apologetically.
This isn't necessarily something that you need to change, but the head rubbing does such a good job of showing that he's apologetic that I don't think you even need to say 'said apologetically'.
I could get used to this, he thought before drifting off to sleep.
And this was a sweet, relaxing conclusion for the chapter. Rather than a frightening cliff-hanger. It's good to have a bit of both, so I think this ending is fine.
Overall, great job! Keep me updated.