Author's Note-THIS HAS NOT BEEN EDITED AND REVISED. I realize that there are some errors, and by some I mean plenty. However, I haven't posted in a while and wanted to give you guys a new chapter as soon as possible. That said, without further ado, here is chapter 3 (finally) of Vex:
As much as I wanted to hate Akemi, I couldn’t. She just seemed so sweet. Kind of dark, but still, sweet. I didn’t really have a friend, and Akemi could easily become one. I guess you could say I’m kinda scared that she’d be one of those psycho ladies who stalks their crush or something, or that she’d end up doing something or another and betray me. My imagination is full of crazy stuff, but hey, its better to be cautious and careful than carefree and sorry.
But yet, Akemi refused to leave me alone. She ended up being in all my classes, and if I ever looked just slightly pessimistic, she’d elbow me angrily and whack me with her pencil. It annoyed me, but I refused to knock her out.
And meanwhile, I tried to walk home without her pestering me. “Do you have any food?” She asked, clinging on my arm. “Get off of me, jeez lady. Ever heard of a thing called ‘personal space?’” She paused and thought for a moment.
“Please, do enlighten me with the definition of this ‘personal space.’”
I gave her the stink eye, but she just tried to grab at my lunch box. “Nope. Nope. Nope.” I said. Every time she tried to get a grasp on the lunch box, I’d simply pull it farther out of her reach. I didn’t even know if there was any food in it, but I would not let her win.
Wait, since when was this a game?
While I was distracted, she yanked the lunch box out of my hands. “Hey!” I growled. She chuckled, smiling in an odd sanguine manner that I recalled her having when she first turned and looked straight at me.
“Can I have the rest of your chips?” She asked politely.
Akemi- Steals people’s lunch boxes just to ask in a mannerly fashion if she can eat their food.
I just sighed and nodded my head. She ripped open the plastic bag and started to devour the chips. Dang. I thought. This girl really loves to eat. “Where’s your house, anyway?” She asked, her mouth occupied by the presence of chips. I thought for a second.
“Just a few more blocks. Shouldn’t take that long. Besides, shouldn’t you be on your way to your house by now?”
“Don’t you think that chips taste wonderful?”
“Akemi, shouldn’t you be on your way-”
“I love chips. You should too.” She said abruptly, and turned around and walked off.
When I got home, I unpacked my bag and opened up my binder. I needed to finish this darn math sheet.
And now I see why she gave us a week to do it.
I drummed my pencil against my desk and stared at the problem. “Physically impossible for there to actually be an answer for that.” I muttered to myself, and continued tapping my pencil to my own beat. What was the point in these long mathematical problems? And I mean, why are they asking me? It’s their life problem, shouldn’t they solve it?
I knew the answer, but I didn’t feel like writing it. For some reason, I felt warm and tingly. I could still feel Akemi’s grasp on my arm. Who was Akemi anyways?
“Such a strange girl...” I muttered drowsily. I felt weirdly languid and sleepy. My vision was starting to become hazy, and I started to get up. I stumbled towards the bed, trying to gain my state of sanity. I started to choke, and I could not gather the air in my lungs. I was slowly suffocating.
I felt the water stinging my eyes like pure acid. What’s happening to me? I tried to call for help, but nothing came out. Pictures dispersed and collided again and again.
Hallucination? Insanity? Lunacy?
“It surely is a joy to lose the grip of reality, isn’t it?” Croaked a voice.
“W-Where am I?” I blinked, the light hurting my eyes. “What’s going on?” I shouted, feeling around me. Where... where is this? “Akemi?” Why was that the first name I called out?
“What the- Hey, where are we?” I heard another voice say. “Aw, screw this. Is this some type of joke?”
Suddenly, I regained vision. I looked around and noticed the thousands of people trapped inside of tubes.
I was one.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Salutations
I am glad I have the honour of reviewing a fellow Ketchup enthusiast's chapter! Since you said that you have not yet edited or revised this chapter, I shall spare you a gruelling review wherein I flare every spelling and grammatical error and provide you with a short review concerning the plot and other elements instead.
So, early on, it became apparent that you sometimes switch between your tenses. Remember, if you are writing in the past tense, then you have to continue writing in the past tense throughout the story; you cannot switch to the present or future tense whenever you feel like it. Fortunately, you don't do this deliberately, but accidentally.
Another thing you sometimes do is employ incorrect conjunctions. Mostly, you use "but" instead of "and", but other times you add "and" where there shouldn't be a conjunction at all. Remember, a conjunction joins two sentences or clauses, and "but" joins two contradicting sentences or clauses.
Your characterisation is better. Though you try to describe the characters too overtly, you don't take it so far that it becomes a problem. Your descriptions are also adequate, but they are few and far between. (Excuse the cliché.)
Overall, I can tell that this is still a rough draft. Hopefully, you can use the suggestions I have made to improve your work, but ultimately, it is up to you to make it better. Don't be like the protagonist who knows the answer to the mathematics question but is too lazy to write it down.
Have a pleasant Review Day!
Flash here! I have *finally* returned to review this next installment of Vex! I commented a couple days ago saying I would be back the next day to review. Well, I happened to be a day late and I'm terribly sorry about that (I got busy with real life things.) Again, I apologize for that.
Now let's get into the review! I usually start off my reviews with technical errors I found, but since I only found one or two I'll start off with the story content.
I liked this chapter! It was a bit fast-paced for my liking, however. (Nit-picky on my part, I know.) We're starting to learn more about these characters, and I like that. Also, can I tell you that I LOVE the cliffhanger at the end? I can't wait to see what happens next!!! XD
Onward to technical issues!
ALWAYS start a new paragraph when the next character speaks. So "Do you have any food?" and "Get off me, jeez lady..." should be in separate paragraphs.
Honestly that's the only problem I saw. Grammar seems fine. Good job on that!
So overall nicely done. I am looking forward to the next chapter of Vex! Keep writing!
~Flash
I shall return tomorrow to review this.
I wanted to make note that Heir is a co-author now, since I'm allowing people to help me with editing. I still need as much help as I can get, so feel free to ask!