I hit my head when I woke up this morning. It had been the same dream as the past two nights-it started with me surrounded by other people I didn’t know, mixed noises entering my head and driving me insane. There was some mysterious figure wearing a mask, and blood covering up the floor. I swear I was about to go nuts, or maybe I already am. Maybe that’s why I’m having dreams about some mass murderer, at least, thats all I can think of when it comes to the meaning to that dream.
Maybe it’s a mental issue? Maybe I’m losing whatever piece of sanity I still had? All I know is that dreaming the same dream over and over again usually means something (or at least that’s what the stories and movies say).
I arrive in the classroom, and pull my cap tighter to my head. To some people, it may not seem like it, but I’m severely shy. Maybe this’ll go better than I expected... I think to myself, slowly pulling out my binders.
But of course, I thought that BEFORE the huge group of teenage girls came over.
“Hey, are you new to this school?”
“I haven’t seen you before!”
“Where do you live?”
“Yeah, she’s right! Where do you live?”
I was suddenly bombarded with questions. As if it was an answer, I only dragged the hat closer to my face. “Aw, he’s shy!” I heard one of the girls exclaim. “Really though, what’s your-”“Go away.” I mumbled, tightening my face into a grim expression. Out of the small little bit that wasn’t covering my face, I could see their shocked faces. “A-Alright...” They walked away, and I continued unpacking my items.
I’m not exactly new to the school. I was new last year, but, that doesn’t really matter. It has been a month since I have started 10th grade, and I will soon turn sixteen.
Though that also doesn’t matter.
The point is, girls seem to pop out of nowhere and literally startle the crap out of me. That’s not exactly good when you’re shy. Actually, it’s really not good at all. It must be this school. And it’s girls. This school is full of scary girls.
Someone should probably write that down, who knows how many times you’ll hear that line again.
Don’t you hate it when swarms of girls come up to talk to you? Wait. You might be a girl. Uh... nevermind! But the thing I was talking about earlier, the dream. What could that have been? And what did it mean?
“Uhmm.” I turn my attention upwards to face Ms. Hadden, who had taps against the white board to gather the other student’s attention. “Our first announcement is about a new student. Her name is... uh.. Ack-Accccck... Um... Give me a second... Akemi?” The door swings open, and I slowly turned my head towards the door.
“Co-Come on in, Akemi. You don’t have to be shy.”
Because all of these people aren’t psychotic at all.
At the corner of the entrance, I notice a set of eyes peering around the corner. Deep blue eyes, like the sea at night. She takes a quick step inside the room, and then looks around swiftly before walking up to the front of the classroom. “Akemi, introduce yourself!” Ms. Hadden says, a little forcefully. This girl, Akemi, she seems kind of shy. Some of the boys gasp, I guess because it was another girl that they would probably all try to murder with their “date me’s” and stuff.
That’s another reason that these people aren’t psychotic at all.
Ms. Hadden, not very happy about all the chatter and talk about Akemi, pounded her fist on her desk. “LISTEN UP, YOU MAGGOTS! SHE MIGHT BE NEW, BUT THAT GIVES YOU NO RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT HER. YOU MUST ALL BE KIND TO HER, UNDERSTAND? Good.”
Also, Ms. Hadden isn’t psychotic either. Just thought you’d want to know.
“Now, my second announcement is that that math sheet I gave to you last week is due. You had plenty of time, so there should be no excuses whatsoever. If you were sick, you should’ve done it while waiting in the doctors.” Now would be a good time to mention I didn’t do that sheet.
“Akemi, please pick an empty seat while I collect the sheets, okay darling?” I never knew Ms. Hadden could be a kiss-up. I raised my hand but I didn’t wait for Ms. Hadden to call on me. “Um... I didn’t do that sheet.”
Akemi glances at me, and then back at Ms. Hadden.
“Can I sit with Archer Cox?”
End of chapter
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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Nice chapter. I usually prefer more detail and word building when reading something and it felt lacking in here. Everyone already said the rest. I'm curious what significance this girl has to the story.
Well, this was not as strong as the prologue, likely because a lot of the mystery and the dark tone has been somewhat lost, but that may be appropriate for this chapter and intentional. I will try to review this taking in as much of your possible thought-process as possible, and be open-minded.
I seem to arrive at these works later than others, so much of the issues I had have been said; for example the changing from past to present tense.
To be honest, I almost didn't notice, but I did eventually, and whilst it wasn't written badly in either tense, it is something you shouldn't really do, unless it is established. For example: if you had multiple viewpoints, you could write one character in first and another in third, this has been done, and books have been successful using this hybrid style. But in the same chapter, or without a break of some sort, it can be jarring and read odd.
I did like the part where Ms. Hadden says:
“Now, my second announcement is that that math sheet I gave to you last week is due. You had plenty of time, so there should be no excuses whatsoever. If you were sick, you should’ve done it while waiting in the doctors.”
I found that quite funny. But she did say something earlier which implausible. Again, this point has been made, and I'm going to say it is an issue for me also, for the same reasons. It also did get quite colloquial towards the end, and that strong start which you had in the prologue, and the tone it set, seemed to be gone by the end of this.
Most of the issues I had with it have been raised, like the sudden change of scenery; lack of description for the dream sequence, which to be honest can be useful for some brilliant and imaginative description.
I understand this is the beginning, however this is also where people can potentially stop reading for these same reasons.
But I am still impressed with the prologue, and you've made a promise that this story will be quite dark at some point, so I will tag along with the hope that this promise is made good on.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
I am trying to go back and fix some of my skipping to past and presence, I do that a lot in my writing and it's a really bad habit. I will try to fix any mistakes that are brought up in all reviews as well as add more details to my writing so that the readers can visualize it. Also, thank you for taking the time to read, and I hope you guys stick with the story!
You're welcome. And that is an issue a lot of writers seem to have. It's easy to make that mistake, especially if you read both in other fiction. But when you make your choice on which tense it will be, think about how it may change how the story is told. The little changes can make all the difference to the impact of scenes. And I'll definitely be reading more.
Hello President, Flite here for a review. Welcome to YWS! I'm going to put a disclaimer before I start, the way I review tend to be harsher than most. Don't let this discourage you, it is only my opinion.
Now, let's get on with the review.
Let's have a look at your first paragraph. I think it can be better described, it's a dream scene however you glossed over a lot of the details that would have made it more interesting. For example, you told us what happened in the dreams. How about describing it? What does the air feel like? How do the mysterious figures look, dressed? What sort of aura are they giving off? What does the blood look like? What shade is it? Most importantly, how does this all affect the protagonist? Make us feel something, I don't want a bunch of descriptions just detailing what the MC saw, I want you to make us feel something.
I've also included an article here that gives you some times about how to write description.
Ok, now that description is out of the way. Let's have a look at how you started this. The protagonist hit her head when they woke up this morning, why did they hit their head? Was it because of the dream? Not everyone hit their head when they wake up, create a smooth transition between the dream and waking up. Because right now, they're two separate scenes. You could try putting the dream first and then slowly easing into the protagonist waking. Just something to chew on.
Very mechanical language here. Typical case of telling and not showing. There is also a better way to characterize your character here, instead of telling us that he's shy. Maybe show us through his actions as to why he is shy. Also, where did the classroom pop up from? That was a massive time skip between waking up and classroom. Remember to include a certain amount of context in your chapter, otherwise, it's going to be way too fast for the readers to keep up.
The dialogue there wasn't too bad, but it was rather illogical and fast-paced. They walked up to him, all bubbly and excited for what reason exactly? And after him rejecting them, without even reacting in anyway, they just walked away? I mean, if I went up to someone on their first day and got told to ‘go away’. I’d be pretty pissed. Also, was there any reason why they were so bubbly around him? Are they always that bubbly? Their bubbliness don’t seem to fit in unless you provide us some information as to why they are so bubbly. People don’t usually bombard strangers like Dory with Nemo.
So this is you as the author talking to the reader, I have mixed feelings about this sort of interaction. It gave me a surprise and jolted me out of the suspension-of-disbelief you’ve been building all along. If you’re going to interact with the readers and address as ‘you’, it’s best to establish that at the beginning. On top of that, I also feel that this is somewhat redundant as these questions have already been asked. We already know that he’s confused, some answers would be good. Or at least start fore-shadowing them.
So, if it doesn't matter, then nix this information. A story has no room for unnecessary details.
Well, that seemed a bit random and very un-teacher like. Most teachers don't use that kind of language. So you either give us some background as to why she's using that sort of language (because it isn't very plausible). or else, try some other way to convey that information realistically.
Another thing I would like to ask is, why does the main protagonist saying that people are psychotic? It's incredibly confusing, because there was no sign that this was a psychotic school but all of a sudden, he's saying that these people are psychotic.
Akemi's introduction was also rushed and sudden, especially the ending. If this was Akemi's first time, there is no way for her to know Archer's name. Unless they're friends outside of school, which has not been mentioned here.
The language in here also bothers me a bit, but that could just be more. You switched to a very colloquial tone towards the end, and by that point it didn't feel like a story as much as your talking to us about something. If you're going to address the readers, be consistent with it and watch out for the tone. You also need to work a lot on your character developments and slowing down the pace of events. Because there are a lot of jumps in this chapter, on top of that. Provide us with enough background so we understand what exactly is going on. Because the whole time I was reading this, I didn't even know what it was you wanted to say. All the ideas are disjointed and separate, correlation is very important to form a big picture.
Hope I wasn't too harsh, if you have any questions, let me know.
-Flite
No, you weren't too harsh at all! Actually, I love criticism, because it makes my writing better.
I think I'll go back and fix some of the mistakes you brought up, however, there is a reason that Akemi knows his name, but it will come very later on in the story. However, Archer does bring the topic up.
Ah, I thought that might be the case. Just another thing, if you want to make that clearer for the readers. Maybe foreshadow that not everything is as it seems, bring in some context. Have they met before? Who are they? I get that you're holding back information to create suspense, but be careful hat you're not holding be too much.
When the next chapter is up, let me know. I'd love to keep reading.
I would review, but I couldn't find anything other than what the previous reviewer said. I just decided to drop by and say I'm interested in reading more! Keep writing!
Hello President!
First, this wasn't long at all. Actually short compared to many other chapters that are on here.
"'Really though, what’s your-''Go away.' I mumbled, tightening my face into a grim expression. Out of the small little bit that wasn’t covering my face, I could see their shocked faces. 'A-Alright...'" You need to separate this into three different paragraphs for the change of speaker.
Throughout this you change tenses, going from present to past to present to past again. You might want to pick one that you would prefer to write in and change the rest to match.
"Ms. Hadden, not very happy about all the chatter and talk about Akemi," Earlier you mention guys gasping, but no talking. You should probably clear that up.
"'Can I sit with Archer Cox?'" This confused me a little because if no one in the class had seen her before, how does she know the main character? Have they met before? If so, why did the MC not recognize her? This needs some clearing up as well (unless you explain it in the next chapter).
Those were all the nit-picks I could find. I can't say I enjoyed the plot because, well, there wasn't really one. The nightmare seems to be the seams of this chapter, which is okay, but you might want add something else. Or just combine this chapter with the next one.
-TigersMoon
Thanks for the criticism, it's actually very useful.
It's a habit of mine to change tenses, and I'll go back and fix that eventually.
I'll also fix that statement I made, which was just me being careless, as usual.
The plot will come eventually. Chapter 1 is like I gentle flow into entering the story, almost like a second prologue.
The "Can I sit with Archer Cox" is supposed to confuse the reader, and it will not be explained in the second chapter, but will be explained later on.
I might or might not combine the chapters, but it's actually not a bad idea and I might wound up doing that.
Thank you for taking the time to read AND leave some advice, sorry if it bored you to death!
I think I fixed some of it, but I think I might need to edit a little bit more.
I didn't even realize this was so long, I'm sorry!
By the way, if something is odd or messed up within the text, please tell me. I write this using Google Docs and then copy it over to YWS, so please alert me if something is wrong. Thanks and please enjoy,
~Prez. T
Oh my gosh! I was considering using google docs, but I don't!
I was writing it before I discovered this site, and it's a lot easier to just continue typing it on there and then copy over.