Everyone’s mouth drops (that includes mine), and they all turn and stare at either me or Akemi. “How did she know his name?” I heard someone whisper. “A-are you sure? Besides, he didn’t do his sheet! Why in the world would you want to-”
“I’m sure.” She spoke softly. Ms. Hadden had always had a hatred for me, I guess the fact her new favorite wanted to sit by her least was shocking. Get over it, ya old hag. I thought to myself.
I wasn’t really thrilled by the idea of the new girl sitting beside me. In fact, I wasn’t really thrilled anyone was sitting by me, period. But there was something about this girl that seemed interesting, though I couldn’t quite tell what it was. She looks at me, and I slowly realized I had been staring. I felt heat rise through my face and looked away.
“Would that be okay, Ms. Hadden?” She smiled and brushed her hair back. Her hair seemed like a silky blonde drape across her shoulders.
Ms. Hadden just nodded, and then looked right at me. “This still doesn’t exclude you from your punishment. However, I do not want to give you silent lunch this time.” She sighed and looked at the board. “I’ll come up with something tomorrow. You still should turn that sheet to me though. It will be twenty points off.”
Akemi sat down beside me. I glanced at her, and then quickly looked back down at my desk. “It’s on your nametag, by the way.” She says, without looking at me. I looked at her, taken by surprise that she noticed the little tiny spot on my desk from such a far distance. After all, I was sitting near the corner at a window.
Akemi held out her hand and smiled. “Akemi Rosales, nice to meet you, Archer.”
I reluctantly took her hand, and noticed how small and fragile it was in mine.
It was during lunch that Akemi plopped right down beside of me when I was all alone at a small table for two. “Whatcha eating?” She asked curiously. “Why are you over here?” I hissed. “Your shy, but you’re smart. You don’t do your homework often, though. You feel like your life is just pointless, and that you have no reason to live. But you’re wrong. And I’m here to teach you that.” She took a sip of her Capri-Sun while I stared at her, dumbfounded. “What the heck did you just-”
“Archer, listen. I’m tired of playing the whole nice girl act. I’m not saying I’m not kind, but I hate this whole new girl thing. All these dudes asking things from me? Pathetic. The girls won’t even speak to me ‘cause apparently I attract all the boys. But you, Archer, you’re an interesting one. I’d like to get to know you better.”
“Akemi, I don’t know what your-” She put her hand over my mouth, and gave a mischievous grin. “I know you’re lonely, you don’t have to lie.”
I suddenly realized she wasn’t who I thought she was. Maybe this was someone I could actually trust. Or maybe she’ll betray you like a classic backstabber.
“I don’t need anyone, thanks for the offer.” I picked up my tray to go to a new seat, but she grabbed my arm and gently placed me back down into my seat.
“You think I’m going to hurt you. I can understand that. But I’m not going to hurt you. I promise. I keep promises.” She released her grasp on my arm and returned to her lunch box. “Here.” She said, and handed me a pudding cup. “That’s for you. Here’s the spoon, also.”
I stared at the pudding cup and the spoon, but Akemi didn’t take it back. She continued eating some peaches in a small purple container. I love pudding. Did she know that? If so, how? Besides, she already knew my name and almost every detail about me.
And then it hit me. Good Lord, she’s a crazy stalker lady!
End of chapter
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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Right, onto this chapter!
This was solid for the most part. But it won't help to not point out some flaws.
I did see an issue with structure, in terms of not starting a new paragraph for different characters, but this has been mentioned. As well as the constant switching between tenses. I read your comment below, and if you're saying that the tenses switching is suppose to give it a certain, confusing feel, then I'm going to say, it's working. But ask yourself if you really want that.
The majority of readers will just see this as amateur, and you can't be there to tell them all it's suppose to be confusing, and by the time the story makes that apparent, they may have already given up reading. So I would say, go ahead with it, if you're okay with the fact not everyone is going to make it very far, and most will be thrown out of the story, or drop it entirely and remain in one tense.
Some people may read this and wonder why I am saying to keep it at all, but the reason why is because there have been successful works that have broken the conventional rules. One thing people complain about is a lack of variety in their fiction. You may or may not be able to pull that off, but it's up to you whether you want to find out or not.
I'm also going to say that there is a good character voice here. I could tell from chapter one that Archer was an introvert, and not fond of other people's company. It's good that you have him saying/thinking one thing the reader is aware of, and then saying something else to Akemi/in-world characters. It's something I've always been fond of.
One thing I'm slightly confused on is what kind of tone you're going for. Someone knowing a lot about you, when you don't know them, can be quite a creepy, mysterious thing, and that can make for great tension. But I never felt tense about it. I felt as though this was just happening. I suppose the character's reaction to it, played a part in that. If they don't seem completely afraid of it, why would I be? Again, if this is the intended effect, go ahead.
Though, I must bring up your brilliant prologue again, and say that this story could be much darker. I don't want to tell you what to do with your writing, but I can say you do seem stronger at writing a darker tone. I may be wrong, and perhaps you can't sustain it for a long period, and again, I believe that the dark tone will emerge again when appropriate. I'm just noting that it can be a little confusing what your aim is with tone and the story, and where things could potentially add to the previously shown dismal atmosphere, they are handled in a light manner.
I hope this can be of use to you, and I'll be reading the next chapter!
Thank you, and I will say that I think I do need some help writing this. What has happened is, if you people weren't aware, I've already written up to chapter 12 and I am currently working on chapter 13, and will upload chapter 3 shortly. The thing is, it doesn't get too dark until much later into the story, so I think I need to go back and change a little bit of it. Also, Archer's shyness seems to fade away farther into the book, yet I want to keep it, so I think I also need some help on that. With that being said, anyone wanna help and be an editor? I'll gladly allow you guys to!
Hello! Flash here for a quick review.
I saw this hanging out in the green room and realized I never reviewed or commented on this chapter! (I plan on reading all of these chapters! Vex seems like an interesting book!)
Alright! Let's get started with the errors here. Honestly the only error that I really noticed was that it seems you've got a habit of doing something... ALWAYS start a new paragraph when a different character speaks! (And when a different character acts). I hope I didn't seem rude by putting it in all caps, but it's very important that you do so. If you don't, it could easily scare other readers off. You don't want that!
The only other "issue" I'll mention is Archer and Akemi. (Lovely names, by the way). I feel like you could elaborate some on their character. Of course this is just the second chapter, and I've got a good feeling that much more of them will be revealed in later chapters. I suppose the only thing that bugged me was when Akemi said, "I know you're lonely." Don't tell us that, show us!
Well, that's all I've got! Good job on this chappie overall and I can't wait to read more Vex!
Keep writing!
~Flash
Website double posted... :/
Deleted the double.
I really enjoyed this, seems like you are off to a great start to this story.
Other than a few grammar issues I don't really see any problems with this chapter.
But then again this is my first review... so who knows if I'm missing stuff.
Some things I noticed that seemed off to me:
Third paragraph: "She looks at me, and I slowly realized..."
I don't know if it'd be better but, "She looked at me" I think, would fit better/keep the tense.
Ninth paragraph "Your shy" should be "You're shy".
and just overall there are some times where I think you fall into present tense, with the chapter being in past. (I'm guilty of this a lot and it's hard once your brain is flowing with words.)
I'm excited to read more and see where you take this story!
Wow, I can't believe I said your instead of you're. I'm one of those people who is always aggravated by how people will mix them up...
Anyway, thanks!
I'm the same way, just figured it was something you missed and decided to point it out.
I think I do it a lot when I'm typing really fast and just getting words down.
I was wondering, is it okay to switch perspectives after you skip time frames? I just realized A LOT of my book is written in past-tense but some of it is present, and I've been trying to change it all. Should I just go back and change it to past-tense?
Also, I realized that I DID bring up how she knew his name in chapter 2, or at least, her 'excuse' for knowing his name.
Ahhhh, unless you're doing Mutiple POVs like in GoT. I would strong recommend that you keep it in the same tense and same POV for Archer. Was that excuse...she was Archer's stalker?
(I'm reviewing this later.)
She is not actually a stalker, Archer is just an idiot and totally over-exaggerates.
By the way, there is a reason I call it "Perplex" Trilogy (it's on the folder name, but I'm not sure if you guys saw it or not), and I call it that because it can be pretty confusing. I'm not going to say anything that would spoil, though, so if you guys start to wonder about things, the best you can do is keep reading.