Sometimes
I look outside
From the window
And think
What does
The rest of the world
Do
While we sit
Right here
Protected
But doing
Nothing.
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140,080 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
I wanted to leave a thanks for all the support on this. I believe 6 likes might be a record for me!
I hope you don't mind me not responding to the reviews. I usually do, but I thought it would be easier to like the reviews and then leave a huge thank you at the top!
Thank you to @donizback, @CaptainSaltWater, @hermione315, @DreamWork, @Tigerlilly37, and @ThereseCricket for leaving the likes!
Thank you to @hermione315, @DreamWork, @raymondjakeledesma, @Reet3103, @97DecibelFeak, @jayflames1, @WeasleyDragonStar, and @Widdershins for your reviews! I know the poem is short, so it's kind of hard to review it. Your help and advice is much appreciated, and I might rewrite this one day.
Thanks, everybody!
You, and this poem, are both super awesome. May God always bless you
Hello!
There are a couple things that I think could be adjusted in this poem to make it better. ^^ The message is pretty poignant though.
First off, your title is "The Window," and I was hoping that was going to be a metaphor for something, but if I can't have a metaphor, I will settle for an implication. I think you should completely remove the line "from the window," since it is already implied by the title.
I think something that would help this poem reach full impact would be to allude to the place where the narrator is. I got the sense that they might have been in school or something? Protected? Maybe a jail cell? I'm uncertain. But if you want this to be a pretty hurtful jab against something particular in society, you need to specify what aspect of society it's about. Because really, this could be about someone who is sitting at home and is just too lazy to go outside. It doesn't sound like it, but someone could rationalize that it's their choice to stay inside, when I feel like you were trying to express that they're being held there against their will.
You don't need to bold or italisize that final word. It gets enough weight from being the last word in the poem, and bold almost always looks gimmicky to me, especially when paired with italics. I really don't think you need either though.
When you have a short poem, my opinion is that you should make it as short as possible without cutting out meaning. For example, the window thing I mentioned earlier. I'd scrap that line. I'd also scrap the "right here" line. And maybe even the "sometimes," though I'm partial to starting poems with sometimes myself. I think having all those short lines don't do much for you either. Why does "Do" have its own line?
I hope this helps a little bit! I can assure you that the rest of the world stares out windows and thinks the same thing. xD
Let me know if you have any questions!
Keep writing!
This is so short that it's hard to leave a review. I sort of like the random single, short 'do' sitting in the middle of the exposition. It seems artistic, simply because usually each stanza has at least 3 words. I like how you added that you were 'protected'. The meaning of the poem really leaks through that one word.
I feel this way, too. Doing nothing, protected. I think I'm one of the only people in my entire school who hates to be protected, while the rest of the world is doing.
Keep writing.
(I'm gonna use the fact that I can't explain myself for beans to my advantage here, so I'm sorry if I seem weird.)
I like the simplicity you've used here.
Short lines and not many of them (which, I may add, makes it very difficult to review. Still great though.)
I think you could have left Do on the previous line.
Or you could have separated it like.
The rest of
The world do
Something like that.
I feel like you could have used parallel structure (or whatever it is) and used Do again.
And we do
Nothing.
I think protected could move up a line.
All in all, a great poem. +20 kudos to you!
This reminds me of one of those "12 word stories".
Short, blunt, and to the point; all done tastefully. In less than 20 words you have successfully brought up a topic of pondering. The short intervals of the lines ads a nice, dramatic affect, especially the single worded line "do" and the italicized and final "nothing".
There are so many underlying and possible interpretations of this, which allows me to be curious where to as how other people see it. That's a whole different topic of discussion.
Well done.
- Sav
Hey.
Short and meaningful, loved it! Now, no glitches of course. Just tell me, what exactly does this thing mean? There are so many explanations to it, I just wanna know your side of thinking
And I'd love to read more of it, if only you consider lengthening this a bit, okay? It'd be great, and the spacing out of this composition gave it more depth, I liked that.
Good job.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
The original concept to it is that people are not aware of their current events, and if they are, they do nothing but sit around inside their houses instead of doing something about it. It's something I've thought about for quite a while now.
Thanks for leaving a review!
A poignant poem, indeed! The shortest poem I've ever read thus far, and yet so meaningful. The words used were very simple, but the message it conveys will thrust deeply into a man's heart - even the one's that are stone-cold can be softened and warmed.
I'll give this poetry 3.5 out of 5 stars mainly because I love short but incisive poems. Good Job!
Hi there, just a quick review for your poem
Firstly, I liked the idea you have here. It is short, simple and straight to the content and the message you want to convey. The idea that you have, to me is just strong enough to make it like having 'something' to say. And the reader indeed will gain something from it without miss out the points. I was very impressed with it.
But I think you might be making your experiment in the form of a poem with a relatively short line break or just because you want it to look beautiful and neat. Some may be effective as the last part of your poem or will only make your poem gets stuck because you had separated them in your poem.
You have got the impact on your poem here, but it would be look nicer if you you combine them though.
--> just in my opinion. See how the line break and punctuation can affect your poem and even able to give different effects to the poem.
Anyway, it's a nice poem to read. Keep writing!
Wow. This poem had very few words, but they were each one powerful. The message behind this was very true. Many people tend to live sheltered lives with all the comforts they could ever need, but they have no idea how fortunate they really are. They don't know what it's really like in the outside world, and it's quite tragic and ridiculous. People should learn to stop just staring out the window and try going outdoors. They need to see what the rest of the world is like so they can begin to help make a change. Problems in the world will never be fixed unless they are addressed in their full extensity and widely recognized. I really don't have any critique for you on this poem, I thought it was perfect the way it was. Great job, and keep writing!