The Window
Could no longer contain me
As I slipped out
And ran for what I
Had thought to be
Was freedom,
To discover
The pain and the agony
Now that I'm here,
Yet I learned
So much more
And did
So much more
Than the time I had used
Wastefully
The Journey lays ahead
And the road might be rough,
and I may fall,
But I cannot be contained on the inside
By a window sill no longer,
And now I am stand, with pride,
On The Outside.
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129,541 Literary Works • 671,508 Reviews
Hey there! Here to drop a review on this lovely piece.
Overall, I very much liked it. The flow was pretty good, as well as the structure and content.
I like how you capitalize the "Window" the "Journey," and the "Outside" because of how it put emphasis on them. Something you could do to emphasize them even more is to not capitalize the first letter of every line. That would make them stick out more
There's an extra verb lying around in there. I thik you meant "had thought to be freedom."
"No longer" doesn't fit here, although it would if it was "But I can be contained..." Try "anymore," or something similar.
Finally, watch out for extraneous words.Try to find new, concise ways to express the idea.Also, you have some good imagery with the window and the Outside, but you could expand on that and make it even richer.You could also be a bit more specific about wht the narrator learned and did.
Hope this helped, good luck and keep writing!
I love the language you use and how you use it. And how it is ok to make mistakes and how a new life or ' journey' lays ahead and there is a full embrace of what you can do and to take pride in what you do even if people don't agree with you
I thought this was a great portrait of what I assume is your inner world. I can relate to feeling trapped, like there's something that I need to break out of in order to grow and be my true self. I just wish I had gotten to see more of the specific details of your experience through this poem. What pushed you to feel so uncontainable? If the window is stifling you, who or what is the window? Maybe it's someone in your life, maybe it's a feeling that deadens you, maybe it's school, etc. I love your literal tone and the way you're putting your philosophy out there, but I feel like if you went more into the experiences that gave you your philosophy and expressed them, this poem would be richer and stronger. Good luck!
Hey there,
I just wanted to say first of all that this is a beautiful poem! I really love it. Just a few quick things, I'm not sure whether or not they were intentional.
I think "lies" would work better than "lays" in here, but I'm not entirely sure.
You've been capitalizing the first word in every line so far, so I'm not sure if this was accidental.
Well I think that there are two options with this line. Take out am- "And now I stand, with pride," or else change stand to standing- "And now I am standing, with pride,". I don't know which one you meant to put in there, but I don't think that "I am stand" works very well.
I really loved this poem though! It got the point across really well. Hope to read more of your works!
-Falco
Im in love! This is perfect!