You can't make the skies clearer
When you write a poem
You can't stop your knees from wobbling
When you write a poem
You can't please everyone
When you write a poem
But I found out today, that
When you write a poem
You can certainly
Make a convoluted trend.
*Also, don't inform me that the title is backwards. I did it purposefully.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey, I'm here to review your poem!
Well, I have to agree with fortis. The humor in this short poem doesn't come through until the last line, when the persona says about certainly making a convoluted trend. Also, this poem can be split into stanzas, and expand more, like this one:
It doesn't scream humour to me. Expand, and maybe you can show it.
[/quote]You can't make the skies clearer
When you write a poem but
you can make them have ridiculous colours
red and pink, and pink and pink and pink.[/quote]
See? Who would want to see a think pink sky? D: I know I don't, but the readers can probably find the humor in it, they probably can't. The bottom line is, you've tried to make it funny and the rest is up to them.
Hmm, why? Or how? Putting more substance to it can make the humour in it shown through.
I'm playing with the stereotype here - about girl screaming in delight when meeting her friend and then they hold each other's hand and jump relentlessly in pure ecstasy. Seriously. I can't understand why they're that demonstrative. >.>" Anyway, do you see it now? The two parts of lines I've just quoted can be split into two stanzas, because they talk about different things. Stanzas make the lines neater and more organized.
Because? Hmm, I think I've just found a maybe-humorous thing that can be added to this!
It certainly sounds morbid, but it gets the message across. Not only this sounds like "I'm gonna kill myself because life sucks" but it also emphasize how you can't please everyone to the point where the attempt to please thousands of people is seen as something worse than committing suicide. Some would agree, some not, but those who agree are poets that can definitely understand you.
Anyway, that's all from me! Remember: Expand and expand, and split it into stanzas! To go to a new line, hit Enter and Shift at the same time. Keep up the good job!
Hey there! I've been reviewing all the cloudy/skies whatever poems.
So.
I suppose you probably wrote this poem mostly for a joke, but I'm still here to review it.
As far as jokes go, this wasn't that unique. I think you could have definitely been more clever, though it would be hard to suggest how. To me, this poem just felt really forced, like you didn't actually want to say most of what you said, but you felt obligated to because of the trend. Like, why would anyone think that writing a poem would stop their knees from wobbling? It seemed like you used that line expressly because that's the trendy title. I think you could do better.
While your insight here is correct, that you can make a trend out of poetry, it wasn't funny. It didn't make me laugh, or smile, or even blow more air out of my nose than usual. In short, it didn't make me feel anything, humorous or otherwise.
The technical aspects of this were fine, though I wasn't sure if you wanted to include the last line of this in your poem or not. If you didn't, I suggest you set it appart with a line between your poem and the note like
If it is part of your poem, it comes off a little odd and definitely more hostile than the rest of your poem, which I don't think fits very well.
Anyway, I think you could definitely be more unique and clever in the future. Maybe it would take just spending more time on the poem or thinking about it for a few days. I'm sure you can do it.
I hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~fortis
This is counterculture to the point where it isn't funny on purpose, more so I can laugh about how counterculture this is. It's pretty pointless, to be honest. Okay, cool, you're saying something funny, but there is no force behind it. You're just making a work for the sake of making a work and that part of it really dampens the poem. I don't really like it, to be honest. Probably a new idea?
thanks.
Please review with more positive feedback on YWS's behalf kay. And it's called a YWS meme. Yeah and call me a hypocrite if you like while I'm trying to give you feedback to help YOU. And everybody else on YWS from hurt feelings.
Hey Prez!!
Okay, so I noticed that after Cloudy Skies, Dirty Knees, a lot of people started posting poems like this... (I haven't even read he original 'starting point' yet, so I'll just review this like its own, non-trend piece as much as possible) I also thought it was pretty funny how it didn't take people long to flip the original title partially backwards; it's very cute and clever. XD
Since the poem is short and there aren't any grammatical errors, this is going to be short on nitpicks.
The only part of the poem that really bugged my was the second-to-last line--or the last official line--because it seemed to stop up the rhythm-momentum I'd gained while reading it. That seems pretty minor, but this doesn't deserve to be in the green room, and I always feel bad being unable to help writers in any way. XD
I enjoyed the piece, though, Prez! Good to see you hopped on this trend boat too.
Happy writing!