Flames of Lecraesa: Chapter 1 (Sray-Valom)

Hey

You write beautifully! You have a rare natural talent that has left me jealous XD I love Strick, he's a great character. I imagine him all stoic and dark! Creiha on the other hand comes across as a little childish to me, mostly in her conversation with Strick. It contradicts my earlier view of her being brave and mature. The relationship I can see forming between Strick and Creiha reminds me heavily of Maerad and Cadvan's relationship in "The Gift" by Allison Croggon (which are excellent books by the way, if you haven't read them.)

One thing I must be picky about is your repetition of the word "arm" around the point Strick and Creiha have their conversation. It's everywhere! Something like, "Creiha looked down at her arm to see Strick bandaging her arm." (sorry i cant find the exact quote!)

Apart form that your language is fundamentally a real treat to read. I can't wait to read on!

Phaix xx

This is really good. I wish I could write like this. I did catch some things though.

This has already gone too far. Creiha told herself and picked her skirts off the muddy ground, sprinting back towards the crowd.

She knelt down beside the man, ignorant of the indignant crowd scrambling for the gallows to kill them both and was happy to see at least one side of his face unharmed.

when a violet wind engulfed her.

“Nowhere special.” A male voice startled her, and Creiha twisted toward the sound, sitting up abruptly.

His eyes were whirlpools, deep wells of blue turning slowly and swirling from light blue to dark blue and all shades in between.

She crossed her arms and glancied down at the ground.

Look who finally scanned! If there is anything that is confusing or my handwriting is illegible please tell me.















Hope this helps,
Cal.

Thanks for the comments, Claudette. I haven't made any changes to this thread, but I've done a little cutting on the hard copy. Thanks for the pointing out some of those structural issues.

On the leaves: the leaves are a plant that grows in Kalinth which is used to staunch bleeding in wounds - I didn't want to go into too much detail for fear of detail dumps - do I need more explanation there?

And the blue eyes? Cliche. It'll only be worse if they fall in love xD

C1 p2


(Finally getting back to this...)

She shivered at the freezing dew stinging her face and unconsciously pulled a cloth that didn’t smell familiar around her.

“I don’t scream; I’ve never screamed from pain. I can take anything. I- Aaaah!” Creiha screamed when the man yanked the arrow out of her arm, dropping it so he could handle the leaves.

Angry bile rose in Creiha’s throat when she saw the ghastly

Creiha blinked, “Wait, we’re going somewhere?” What was he saying? Did he really intend to take her from her home? Creiha’s eyes danced with an unbidden excitement. A certain intrigue lay in a world outside Sray-Valom. But to leave her family? Criscialda will hate me if I go back. They’ll be ashamed. Creiha thought grimly. Her sister had always called her a skeptic; Criscialda would have followed this man with dreamy eyes.

“You may call me Strick,” Strick informed her with a small nod of his head.

“I’ve never known robbers to attack travelers who can defend themselves.”

I'm not going to point out anything else that's all ready been said, other than that YAY! I finally got to read this! I've been trying for months. o__o I really like where this is going, and I can't wait to read more of it. I'm really interested to see what Strick's story is.

“Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes” Were the wilted flowers on the vines? The “their” makes this ambiguous. “Dangling” and “were” are two different tenses, which additionally makes this sentence confusing.

“…life still lingered in the devastated city, and the larger stones protruding from the rubble wept, drizzle glistening on their marble-like surfaces…” Eliminate “like” here; it almost changes it to a simile and it’s stronger as a metaphor.

“The sun hid her face that morning in shame; some even ventured to say she never rose” Too many extra words here; try saying: “some even said” or “some ventured to say”.

“She retreated from the sky and shirked her duty to sob far away – only her tears touching the flames she fled from” Here, it sounds as if her duty is to sob. Instead of “to” try a phrase like “in favor of” to clarify.

“The flame that had once flickered in every man’s eye, the hope that they prayed would never die” Good rhyme.

“…like dogs following their new master’s heels, unaware of the knife in the hand beside them.” Creepy but effective 

“… faded into a small spiral of smoke, forgotten and neglected for years” these two words essentially mean the same thing; pick one to make it stronger.

In this first segment, very nice language usage. Alliteration and internal rhyme add to the mythical feel of everything.

“A tattered flag wrenched in the fierce wind…” In the previous paragraph, the cloak was tattered as well; look for another way to describe one. I’d look to replace the first one as it is in the midst of description and could benefit from expansion while the second one is for setting the scene and conciseness is helpful.

“…convulsing as the flames consumed its charred threads” I don’t know if charred is the right word here. In this whole sentence (when put together with the quote above), instead of using so many one-word adjectives, pick one important noun and describe it in its own phrase to give a better sense of the setting.

“…leaving the flag a tangled heap of cloth twisted upon the muddy street” I like this description

“Running one had through her mud-matted hair, she pulled a few strands away from her smudged face and scanned the street desperately for her sister.” There are a lot of modifiers in this sentence, which throws a lot of information at the reader in one fell swoop.

“I’m supporting my people!” The phrase “my people” stood out for me because I didn’t get the impression that Crisci was leading them, or a prominent figure among them. I would change this to “our people” or “our friends” or something of the like, or even plain “them”.

“Criscialda, the king will ‘march his extravagant procession’ through here, see the mess you and your radicals have made and punish the city” I liked Creiha’s reaction, but is there any way you can expand on her frustration with additional body language, description of tone of voice, etc.?

“But theirs was no longer a generous bond; it was only a shadow of what once lingered there between them” The “their” is unnecessary, and I’d take it out, but it’s not critical that you do.

“Creiha swallowed hard. “’Why?’” This is a good example of description that differs from the noun-adjective or verb-adverb pattern.

“…not when they proclaimed him guilty, not when they burned his left arm” Will the fact that it’s his left arm be important later? If not, consider eliminating it as it is unnecessary information.

“Criscialda winked and hugged her downcast sister as if nothing was awry before sprinting back towards the dungeon where the soldiers were dragging out two unconscious prisoners and leading out a third.” I’m not sure if “were” is correct instead of “was”. Using “out” twice in close proximity sounds awkward; I’d get rid of the second.

“To the streets with the king’s order not to lay hands upon the Svare! We want justice!” I liked the phrase “to the streets” a lot a lot . I think the phrase “not to lay hands upon the Svare” is unnecessary, as it would be assumed by the crowd. While I realize you want to tell exactly what it was for the reader, I think it’s easier for the reader to become swept up in the story if certain things are assumed known (even if there is not way for the reader to know them). I’d eliminate this phrase, but I think that’s just personal preference.

“The bulbous announcer observed this grimly and cocked his head at his chief guard.” Here I think “observed” is too detailed a word and removes the reader from the action. “watched” would work just as well but again, this is personal preference. Continuing this sentence, “shoved the frenzied guard out of the way” the word “frenzied” was used in the previous paragraph. It is a good way to re-identify the guard, but I think something like “frantic” might work better for one of them. I’m also not sure what kind of word it is. I’m wondering if it is a state of being rather than an adjective, making a frenzied step possible but a frenzied person awkward.

“The unsuspecting chief fell backwards, tripping over himself and falling into the now raging fire below” Maybe reword this to “fire now raging below”? Again, preference.

To answer your questions,
In general, I found the description too often only the pattern of (one word)adjective-noun rather than an expanded description that gives a full picture of what’s being described. Think how you can show rather than tell. I didn’t have any trouble understanding who was doing what, and I didn’t find the description of things happening too bare; I did find the description of the setting a little sparse, however. I won’t know if the foreshadowing gives too much away until I read what it foreshadows. At the moment, I don’t think you have a problem. I you’re really worried though, you can shorten that part to call less attention to it: “…the bond they shared; now they were alike in nothing but name”.

“You make me sound like a criminal. This is not an uncharted forest. Now I get to ask a question.” The comment about uncharted forest seems as if it’s intended to be an offhanded comment, but as it is, it seems random. Try adding a phrase like “anyways” or “by the way” to the end to seemingly diminish the importance of it. Even if it is important, the smoother the phrase is, the more likely the reader is to forget about it until he needs to remember it again.

“…Creiha was surprised to see his right arm swathed in drenched, mud-stained bandages that hung limply around the injured limb.” Everything after “mud-stained bandages” was implied in the beginning, and I’d suggest removing it.

“I didn’t deem it wise to let the guard decapitate you at the time,’ the man said casually, shrugging slightly…” the word “casually” is shown in the man “shrugging slightly” and is therefore unnecessary.

“Everyone knows it hurts more when you look!” It doesn’t seem that Creiha is too concerned that there is an arrow sticking out of her arm…

“Before Creiha could assent, he crouched on the ground in front of the rock she had climbed onto and was examining her arm gently.” Maybe you use synonyms for common words too often? Words like “assent” are better used in description or in dialogue for characterization. Otherwise it often interrupts the action, much like always having a different dialogue tag.

“You were shivering when I first brought you here, and, I daresay, it has gotten colder more than warmer since earlier tonight.” The phrase “colder more than warmer” is awkward. If you want to keep it, you should replace “more” with “rather”, but I’d suggest taking out “more than warmer” in the end.

I don’t get the sense of how old everyone is. If this is the point, it was used effectively. If not, add something into a description or even a dialogue tag. For instance, if they’d still be in school, give a reference to the year, or if they’re just out of school. Or, if school isn’t an issue in this world, someone could reference just being apprenticed to a trade. If they’re older, you could say that their hands are wrinkled, or that they’d lived in the town for such and such years and held the same job for however long.

It also struck me as odd that neither of them were too injured to run away, even though Strick’s face was in the fire and Creiha had an arrow in her arm… also that none of the townspeople caught up with them…

To me, Creiha seems too willing to go with a complete stranger; she didn’t have any misgivings about whether he was dangerous or not (even though he saved her).

You did a good job of keeping Strick mysterious, but I did find him being convinced to stay too quickly. If he gave in to Creiha's whining silently, it could have been more exaggerated

PM me if you need anything
-Amelia

Hullo WD. ^_^

Of course, I've been meaning to say something by way of a critique for longer than I thought it would take me to actually say it. Anyhow, something has come up each time. Your writing takes time to read.

Ah, I'll skim the structure and then go on to character impressions. It all tends to flow together in the end, afterall, especially when it's done well.


Sentence Length and Variation:

You've mentioned being dubious about the description, its lack or its patchiness. Nothing there much bothered me. I don't think it appears to be cut to the quick in the least.

What it does tend to get into is a groove and rhythm. There's nothing the matter with long sentences of course - when they have a length of material that needs enumerating. Sam can and has hit some lovely long sentences in Hourglass; Dream Deep does it rather more often, especially when she avoids the merely complex and strikes complex thought as well as complex structure. ^_^

In your prologue, most of the narrative is brilliant, melancholy and aged, if you will. The first sentence opens it deftly.

But from the first sentence on you seem to get into a pattern: paragraphs keep similar length, sentences keep similar lengthiness. It's so lovely it lulled me out of its meaning at one or two points.

In the prologue, it's rhythm and pattern. (You may notice you like beginning sentences on the present progressive...? ^_^)

...same issue within dialogue?:

A bit later on, as in the the exchange between Criscialda and Creiha, it breaks up the dialogue. Every single remark is followed by a tag and description of how the character says it.

Example:

“No, Creiha!” Criscialda flinched at Creiha’s touch, “No, you have to get out of here before they kill the three Svarë. If you can’t take it, don’t stay. Leave, Creiha,” Criscialda commanded. She knew her order was cruel. She had not forgotten the bond they shared. But theirs was no longer a generous bond; it was only a shadow of what once lingered there between them, and now they were alike in nothing but name.

Strick smiled more bitterly this time, an unexpected pain in his expression, “It means Strick,” he said quietly.

You weren’t kidding when you said long!

Okay! Great story! I loved it! Your writing was excellent and I only have a few comments.

Fingers stiff and cold with fear, the woman closed the old book, clutching her old, tattered cloak about her shoulders. Shivering, she huddled in the dusty corner of the large room and winced as the shouts of soldiers grew louder and louder outside her house. It would be a few hours before they discovered the back door open where her companions had escaped. Squeezing her eyes shut and hugging herself tightly, the woman fought a frightened sob. Strick, where are you?

Did anyone have any trouble understanding who was doing what?

...Creiha talks about how she and Crisci no longer have the same bond they once had; that their bond is a shadow of what once was and how they are alike in nothing but name. It is a powerful piece of foreshadowing, but I keep wondering if I am giving away too much there..

“How encouraging,” Creiha murmured, glaring at him beneath her eyelashes..

She crossed her arms and glancied down at the ground.

“You may call me Strick,”

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, everyone. It is much appreciated. I posted a pronunciation guide here (you have to scroll down a bit, I think)

allowing her feet to lead her away from the crowd.

Quote:
Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their climbing roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes.

Nice description but you change tenses in that line from present(flowers dangling) to past (scorched vines were peeling). It makes the reader confused (or just me anyway) as to when exactly the story is happening and it isn't proper english. My suggestion would be to simply change 'dangling' to 'dangled', as the rest of the story is told in past tense. Your writing is very descriptive and profound and I think you should keep on writing.

Prologue

I hope you don't mind me line-by-line editing? I hate how time consuming it is, but it's worth it...

Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their climbing roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes.

the woman closed the old book, clutching her old, tattered cloak

It would be a few hours before they discovered the back door open where her companions had escaped.

A tattered flag wrenched in the fierce wind, convulsing as the flames consumed its charred threads.

Commoners were massed around the smoldering wooden pole, and the surrounding streets teemed with curious townspeople, the ashes of the crumbling guard tower that now littered the ground billowing in the musty air.

a bright hue of red.

allowing her feet to lead her away from the crowd.

I've read the next bit! This was a good carrying on of the action, and I want this to continue!

The only thing that was glaringly obvious was the arrow in Creiha's shoulder. You make out that she hadn't noticed that it was there, but a dirty great arrow sticking out of your shoulder is gonna attract some notice from the victim isn't it?
And Creiha crosses her arms both before and after the arrow comes out. I would have thought it would have been too painful for her to do that; and when the arrow is removed, it's pulled out without enough fuss, blood, pain and tears. If it was imbedded in her shoulder (and you make out that it was) then it would have been stuck firmly in the muscle. Getting it out would have caused enough pain to make Creiha pass out, and all she does is scream, and then apologize seconds after. Still, having never had an arrow in my shoulder personally, I can't be sure of the effect it would have - I'm only guessing.

Very good! Keep it coming! I'm sorry I couldn't do a nit-picking on this, but as not all of it's on the same page, it's a bit tricky.

-ST

I loved this, I just started Flames yesterday (I've printed off all the chapters posted so far so I can read them all in my own time) and I was hooked from the very beginning. Your writing style is very easy, but intricate and detailed at the same time. It flowed well, with only one or two "blocky" sentences, which don't detract from the story at all.

You presented your characters well, especially Creiha, and have given an air of mystery over Strick, and what a Svare is. I like the characters very much already, despite having little contact with them as yet. I look forward to chapter 2.

I especially liked your Prologue. It seemed rather poetic, in a good way, and encouraged me to read on. I won't comment on grammar and spelling mistakes, mostly because there were none that I could find, but also because you could catch any through further editing.

I will continue reading tonight. You've got me hooked. Well done!

-Kaz

Hey, WD!

Bah, you and your awesome first lines. Basically? They rock.

I'll start with the things that I noticed first (so I don't forget them), and then I'll go back and answer your questions, okay?

CONSULTING THE DICTIONARY: You have an absolutely beautiful storytelling style, and it sucks you in straightaway to the story. Unfortunately, the one question besides "What happens next?" your readers are going to ask is, "How in the name of [insert proper deity here] do I pronounce that?"

Yeah. Unless you start writing books about interpretive dance and healing through acupuncture, your readers are going to be fairly straight forward. They don't want to have to guess at what the names are- it's just a waste of time and bugs them every time someone comes up.

- Avoid accent marks and whatever '¨' are. They're just a no-no.

- Avoid ambiguous letters- that is, sounds that could sound like something else. For example, if you named a character 'Qid', your readers might go the Chinese route and assume it's pronounced 'chid'. Or, they might go Arabic and decide it's pronounced 'kid'. Or even 'keed' or 'cheed'. This is the type of thing that will start brawls at your future author fan club meetings.

NO PAIN, EASIER STORY TO WRITE: Creiha gets an arrow pulled out of her arm. Ow. Perhaps even more painful is the writing of such a scene- pain is hard to do really well. That's why it's one of the bits I wanted to personally go over.

Why can we go through watching CSI and ER back-to-back without grimacing, but the arm-chopping-off-scene in 'Master and Commander' makes us hurl every time? Hmm. Setting and circumstance, I think.

Here's another example, from the lovely book "The Year of the Hangman", by Gary Blackwood:

The only surgical tool at their disposal was the dagger. While ARnold cleaned and sharpened the blade, Creighton fortified himself with several shots of rum.

Arnold offered the knife to Creighton's father. "Perhaps you'd rather do it."

"My hands are shaking too much," Harry Brown said. "You go ahead."

Peter handed Creighton a leather sailmaker's plam. "Bite down on that."

Amazing. Simply amazing. I wish i could write like you.

All in all, it was a great way to start off a book. I especially liked your prolouge, and i definatly think you are overreacting about giving too much away. Like i said, great way to start off a book.

I agree with the others about all the things they suggested. I don't really have anything to add.

Some ashes are destined to be found

After everyone else's comments, mine seem a bit bare. First off, I just want to say that this is awesome from what I've just read.

I think you're over reacting about not having enough description. The way you've written this is definitely descriptive enough, yet not too over the top. It's almost addicting. =]

"... she was sure death had already claimed her when a violet wind engulfed her."
I think you mean violent.

"They’ll be ashamed. Creiha thought grimly."
Either I'm being annoying, or this should be one sentence.

When I read the prologue, I wasn't exactly sure where it fit in with the rest of the story. Bits of it came into place once the rest of the chapter had been read, but I still can't place some of it. I think this is partially due to me being a bit slow today... *no i'm serious about that*

Strick's character is written well with a little mystery and wonder about him. Obviously there will be more explained about his past, right? I also want to know if I should already have figured out what a Svare is because I fear reading a book and missing something crucial in the beginning . Okay, well I shall be off to read more of your posts on this story.

Thanks for the comment, Shriek! I'll work on those adjectives - still recovering from my adjective binge.

Ah, predictability. Fear not. Strick and Creiha do not hit off a romance - well, maybe Creiha is a little dreamy over him, but Strick all but ignores her. No romance there.

The prologue, though beautifully written, seemed to drag for me. It may have something to do with my impatience (like, get the story ON with already!), but the writing there doesn't catch my attention, and it does not seem to serve a purpose (that is to say, I could skip it and still be up to speed with the story).

As for the story on the whole, again, beautifully written. Your dialogue shines -- it is simply delightful to read. Your descriptions, however, were sometimes weighted down by adjectives, and could be overbearing. Remember, less is more.

Much of your writing, despite your overkill on the adjectives in some instances, hits me close to home.

For instance

The third Svarë stood with contrived confidence, staring at the stake where he was to burn. He looked so calm … and yet so frightened, so accepting and yet so shaken, as if every moment was a hard-won fight to keep the terror from his gaze.

Very good though i caught a few things

Quote:
until movement on the edges of the clearing [u]interrupted surprised[u] her

change one of those verbs to either interrupted or surprised but not both

Quote
Creiha awoke from her musings quickly and smiled embarrassedly, following him with a driving curiosity. “Yes, I am coming

this is a little confusing i would chamge it and you need ending punctuation

Well okay, so I couldn’t keep away… *Sticks out tongue*


Quote:
She shivered at the freezing dew stinging her face and unconsciously pulled a cloth that didn’t smell familiar around her.

The last part, after ‘and’ - ‘a cloth that didn’t smell familiar to her’. Maybe it’s just me, but that phrase sounds a bit odd.


Quote:
A male voice startled her, and Creiha twisted toward the voice, sitting up abruptly.

Firstly, I would split this sentence into two, but I may be going to far here, lol - your story, after all. And that I can’t explain it, lol. Next, you use ‘voice’ two times in one sentence.


Quote:
A bolt of fear coursed through her when she saw the prisoner sitting on a rock across from her. “What are you doing here?” Creiha cried in alarm, inching backwards fearfully.

Okay, since you are a really, really good writer I’ll allow myself to be more picky, lol. That sentence was a bit melodramatic, no offence meant.


Quote:
The man stared at her calmly, a ghost of a smirk playing upon his face. He might have appeared mysterious if not for his laidback manner.

Love this part, hehe.


Quote:
Creiha glared at him, “Excuse me?” she whispered incredulously.
Period instead of a comma. Talk about being picky.


Quote:
His eyes were whirlpools,
You use ‘eyes’ again. How about ‘they’ or something equally vague?


Quote:
“So, you would ‘deem it wise’ to let the guard decapitate me at another time?”
Love you for that one.


Quote:
“Because you’re bleeding” The man frowned.

Period.


Quote:
“Now you made me look!” she complained and wrinkled her nose, “Everyone knows it hurts more when you look!”

Nice.



Okay, so I read everything in this thread. One heck of a good job here. Really. I loved it. Great dialogues. One thing though, I think that you should expand the parts with Strick a bit. Though I suppose we’ll get to know him better in the next chapters. Great work once again.

Elein

‘llo,

How’re you? Basically it’s the title that made me come here, it sounded so cool, lol. I’ll be writing the critique as I read.


Prologue


Quote:
Failing fires flickered among the smoldering timbers and stones, consuming what charred remains of life still lingered in the devastated city, and the larger stones protruding from the rubble wept, drizzle glistening on their marble-like surfaces, and the silver grass that once surrounded them seared a burnt hue of black.

‘(…) consuming what charred remains of life still lingered in the devastated city (…)’ - Maybe its just me but I think this part disrupts the flow a bit - I don’t really get it. Also, you use ‘and’ two time, which I suppose is doesn’t count into the no-repeating rule kind of thing, but still. I suggest splitting this in two, but its really your decision.


Quote:
She retreated from the sky and shirked her duty to sob far away – only her tears touching the flames she fled from.

‘(…) only her tears touching the flames she fled from’ - Not sure here, but can this stand alone?


Quote:
that day a people yielded to the hands of their conquerors like dogs following their new master’s heels, unaware of the knife in the hand beside them.

‘A’ necessary up there?


Quote:
It would be a few hours before they discovered the back door open where her companions had escaped.

‘(…) they discovered the back door open (…)’ - the ‘open’ is irking me there, though I’m not sure about it.



Chapter 1


Quote:
Commoners were massed around the smoldering wood pole

O_o Love the whole sentence btw, lol. ‘Wood=wooden? But I’m not sure.

Quote:
Just above her head, the straw that was stacked around the stake caught in her hair

Again, maybe its just me, but the ‘Just above her head’ part made me reread the sentence.


Oooh, this is very good! I’ll read the continuation and chapter two when I have more time, tomorrow maybe. Can’t wait, hehe. General notes/ comments after I do that. Awesome descriptions, awesome chapter, lol.

-elein

Strick strikes me as a strange character.He is mysteriuos as we know nothing about him apart from he is a convicted criminal with one bad-ass burn. For all his callousness, he seems a pretty nice guy as he saved Creiha who saved him. I doubt anyone bad would have done that. Methinks he has some sort of tragic past, am I right?

Last section of chapter 1

The sky was gray that morning, a thin drizzle falling sporadically. Creiha yawned widely when the bleak light of morning shone through the trees. She narrowed her eyes in concern when she observed it was past sunrise. It was a surprise that Strick had not awakened her by now. She stood slowly, careful of her arm as she drew the old cloak closer around her shoulders and gazed around the small clearing. Dusty brown leaves drifted slowly from the trees above and the grass glistened with beads of dew. “Strick?” Creiha called, worrying fleetingly if he had left without her. Only the scattered chirps of morning crickets responded.

With a small grimace, Creiha paced the clearing silently, enjoying her own idle steps until movement on the edges of the clearing surprised her. She turned to see Strick emerge from the trees, restless and pale. When he saw Creiha, he quickly mustered an unconvincing smile. “I hope you’re ready to leave,” he said softly, voice hoarse but calm.

“Where were you?” Creiha inquired with a frown.

“We need to leave.” Strick ignored her question and shouldered the pack. For a moment, Creiha thought she glimpsed terror in his eyes, but just as abruptly, they clouded over with an inexplicable calm.

“Strick?”

“Yes?”

Creiha pursed her lips, suddenly at loss for words. The longer she stared at him, the more unsettled she felt. Cheeks aflame with uncertainty, Creiha shifted uncomfortably. An awkward silence hung between them and only the chirping of birds could be heard in the clearing.

“How is your arm?” Strick broke the silence uneasily, looking away when Creiha stared at him.

Creiha hadn’t realized until now how sharply her arm ached, barbs of pain spiking through her arm and shoulder with every breath. “Better than yesterday,” she lied. Swallowing a sudden sob as she crossed her arms awkwardly, Creiha wore a painted smile when Strick eyed her doubtfully.

Sighing, Strick signaled for her to follow. He looked exhausted and sick with fear when he stepped toward the edge of the clearing slowly and carefully as if choosing each step with cautious reluctance. Creiha didn’t follow him immediately. For a while, she just stared at his back uneasily while her mind drifted.

When Strick halted and turned to see her still standing there, he grimaced irritably. “Well, are you coming?” His eyes darkened determinedly.

Creiha awoke from her musings quickly and smiled embarrassedly, following him with a driving curiosity. “Yes, I am coming."
~

I really liked the prologue at the beginning.

I especially liked this line.

The sun hid her face that morning in shame; some even ventured to say she never rose.

I posted the next section of chapter 1, if anyone is interested. Thanks for the comments, everyone, and I changed most of the things you pointed out, Shadow.

Hmm, this was very nice and refreshing. Excellent description, you didn't over or under do it. Sometimes though, I heard the same word many times in a row. It wasn't like a complete overkill it just sounded funny sometimes. I'm being picky, lol.

Otherwise, this was wonderful. I really liked your prolouge, that was excellent.

Some ashes are destined to be found.

*This was my favorite line and the fact that it was the first line was even better. Great way to start off a story!

Tell me when you write more so I have more to critique I didn't find anything wrong here.(which is good by the way Lol)

Keep it up!
~Rieda

my god i wish i could write as good as you even a fraction of how good you write would satisfy me

Very good! I know that seems to be my standard comment, but it is good. The whole story is well written, and your style is very easy to read. The characters are believable, though I like to know a little more about the main character when I start reading.
On your general notes: I don't think this is bare; you describe the prisoner/Svare bloke and the whole setting well. I understand about your worry about description, cos description is one of my favourite things to write, and I'm sometimes afraid that I'm just rippling on and wasting too much time on it. But, no, I think you did fine. The description in the prologue was excellently done, especially.
Action scenes were easy to understand, but it's a bit difficult to judge if there was too much foreshadowing. Ask me again when you've put more of this up.

There were a few things I noticed, though most of them are just me being picky.

writersdomain wrote: His dark, ocean blue eyes glowed with an unheeded emotion

writersdomain wrote:The chief placed a hand on the back of the prisoner’s head and shoved his face down into the fire.

writersdomain wrote:Creiha felt a strong arm wrap around her waist and, she was sure death had already claimed her when a violet wind engulfed her.