All those years of training to one day be in the MLB weren’t entirely useless after all. Brett sprinted across the sunlit prairie, running for his life like Mickey Mantle or even Cool Papa Bell never could. At that speed he surely could have scored a home run on a bunt.
“Run like a bear is chasing you!” his coach would say.
Heck that. Run like devilish shadows are chasing you.
He slowed down to a jog when he reached the trees and the rocks, the shadows far enough away that he could catch his breath. But the terrain was suddenly more rugged and steep, and soon he was climbing up and over boulders and steep slopes, and the shadows were gaining ground. He looked up and saw the sun just barely peeking over the edge of the mountainside.
The voice that had warned him had come from the darkened half of the mountain range, so surely this rugged zenith was a place of refuge. What Brett wasn’t sure of was how far he had to climb to be safe, or what happened if the shadows caught up to him. The greenish-yellow straws of grass still poked here and there in between cracks in the ruddy rock and grew in bunches among the trees. He could faintly hear them rattling and whispering as the shadows rolled closer and closer, snaking across the mountains.
After he squeezed through a pair of boulders he found what appeared to be a path, where the reddish brown soil was packed down and the branches of needled trees were broken to the side. He followed it eagerly, cutting corners as it zigzagged up the slope, hoping it would end up somewhere with people, where he would be safe and he could ask them where he was.
But, no. The path spit him out right up against a vertical mantle of rock, trapping him. Hearing the hissing and quivering shadows practically at his neck, he searched for footholds in the rock, but could barely find any. Panicking, he started to double back, when suddenly, magically, a rope was tossed down. Crying out in surprise, he latched onto it and began pulling himself up the mantle of rock.
But it was already too late. The merciless shadows rolled across his body, and with that, he was swathed in darkness.
For a moment, everything was okay.
But then the ground below him quaked and he almost lost his grip on the rope. Madly, he realigned himself and scrambled up the rock, and finally stretched a hand up over the mantle. Then all of a sudden something from below, thick and heavy, snatched his ankle and pulled him down with malicious strength.
Brett cried out in anguish and terror. Whatever it was, it had rows of teeth that were digging into his leg. He held fast to the rope, knowing that he was so, so close to safety, if he could only climb up a little bit further.
He glanced down quickly and could see the dark outline of a thick vine curled around his ankle like a boa constrictor, or like the kraken from the depths of the ocean, pulling him down, drilling its thorns into his skin. His palms burned on the rope as he slipped.
“Give me your hand!” someone called from above. He couldn’t see who it was because it was too dark but he stuck his hand out and someone grabbed it, then pulled him up with a sudden burst of strength. Then they leaned forward and he saw the gleam of a dagger as they slashed it at the vine, and at last, with a spray of its blood - or plant juice - the vine unraveled from his leg like a dead snake and fell to the ground far below, smacking against rock.
The person was a woman, with an eye patch and a dagger. She dragged him away from the edge of the mantle and helped him sit up against a boulder.
She didn’t make eye contact but just stared at him numbly. “What have I done?” she whispered.
Brett was too out of breath to speak. He felt extremely exhausted and dizzy, and his adrenaline had fizzled out. He pulled his right leg up towards him, where blood trickled from a dozen tiny, round wounds in his ankle, the places where the thorns had dug in.
“What have I done?” the woman groaned again. She turned away and buried her face in her hands.
“What… what’s the matter?" Brett asked, gulping for air. "You saved me. Thank you.”
“If they find you, you’ll wish I had let you die,” she said.
“They?”
She didn’t answer.
Brett unbuttoned his flannel, with the intention of wrapping it around his ankle. His hands trembled, and the rope burns on his palms throbbed. “Could you help?”
“I’ve helped you enough,” she said bitterly. “I should just just leave you here.”
“Oh God,” Brett moaned. “Please don’t.”
“I should, and just let them find you. But no, that wouldn’t do any good - you’d tell them about me, about the eye patch girl, and they’d come find me and kill me for not turning you in. Be happy to know that that’s the last thing I’d do, turning you in. I’d never give Repharaoh the pleasure.”
Brett was too tired to wonder what the heck she was talking about. “Do you know how I can get back home?” he asked her. "Jacaranda Creek? Oregon?"
She looked down at him. “I’m guessing you have no idea where you are?”
He shook his head.
She sighed. “Ordadus. Your Earth days are over, bud. Sorry.”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I HAVE RETURNED AND WILL REVIEW AGAIN BECAUSE I FORGOT I ALREADY DID SO SORRY IF THIS IS REPETITIVE
"“Run like a bear is chasing you!” his coach would say.
Heck that. Run like devilish shadows are chasing you." This is great - I love how it's a bit humorous, but doesn't break me out of the 'holy **** there are shadows trying to kill him AAAAAAA'
"He glanced down quickly and could see the dark outline of a thick vine curled around his ankle like a boa constrictor, or like the kraken from the depths of the ocean, pulling him down, drilling its thorns into his skin." The description here, is, once again, amazing. I can totally imagine this toothed/thorned vine-thing wrapped around his leg as he struggles against the rocks.
The dialogue at the end really pulls me in. It's intriguing and makes me wonder about what this is or what will happen, or who she is and this "Repharaoh" figure.
"But the terrain was suddenly more rugged and steep, and soon he was climbing up and over boulders and steep slopes, and the shadows were gaining ground." 'Steep' seems a bit overused. Maybe precipitous, craggy, or something like that.
"he searched for footholds in the rock, but could barely find any. Panicking, he started to double back, when suddenly, magically, a rope was tossed down." I feel like the 'suddenly' isn't needed here. The 'magically' already covers it, I think.
~ Fea
Haha, a double review! Cool d:
Again I really like these recommendations! I use "suddenly" a bit too much. xD Thanks a lot Fea!
No problem, it's my pleasure!
Hey there! MJ back for another review.
While I do appreciate your efforts to keep the language PG here, 'heck' is used as a substitution for 'hell', so it doesn't fit right there. To keep it PG, 'screw' is the best word I can think of right now, unless you wanted to use something like 'frick' or 'freak' or 'fudge'.I think that the word 'reached' would work better than 'stretched' here, because 'reached' makes it obvious that the thing he is reaching is attached to him and not something that he was just holding. A minor technicality, but figured I would point it out nonetheless.
So while I enjoyed the thrlil and good plot-building device of transferring Brett to another world, I would offer you a word of caution. This is used very, very frequently in books, so try and figure out some way to put your own spin on it so it doesn't become just another book on the shelves and think of something that will really set it apart from the others. You're good for now, but it's easy to fall into the trap of clicheness.
I really enjoyed the descriptiveness of the mountains and surrounding forests, especially your well-chosen adjectives that gave the reader the necessary information and painted a picture without loading the reader down.
Again, my only area of concern is how calmly Brett is taking all this news. Even if he's too exhausted to press for details, I would imagine his mind is spinning with questions, complaints, the how's and why's and what's. It would heighten the full impact of the moment if Brett was reacting severely, because that helps the reader gage how serious this situation is.
But overall, I'm really enjoying this story. The plot and description is well-balanced, with descriptive pictures and fast action while not getting too sloppy or cumbersome with words and adjectives. Your plot is mostly strong, although bordering on cliche, and the characters are relatable for the most part, aside from a few weaknesses. I'm looking forward to reading more, and if you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to help you out!
Best wishes,
MJ
I can understand that it seems cliche at the moment, but I can more or less guarantee that it won't seem that way soon! (For a hint: if I could have added another genre to this, it would have been alternate historical fiction.) But I think I ought to make it as original as I can from the start, so it's helpful to know that I need to work on that. Thanks so much for your advice!
Hello again and happy review day! This is one thing on my agenda to get caught up on this month
I'll get right into it! I enjoyed the chapter segment. The descriptions (as your descriptions always are) were great and this scene felt very cinematic to me. I thought you did a nice job with the overall tone and feel of the scene and that you were able to show the world and show what Brett is doing while still keeping the frantic feel and keeping things moving along at a quick pace. I was able to picture everything that was happening in my head easily and I really wanted Brett to get away from this creepy shadow stuff!
Speaking of the shadow stuff, I'd like a little more clarification maybe about how fast he's moving in relation to the shadows. Are the shadows gaining on him? Is he getting farther away? Are they maintaining the space between them? You mention it towards the end of the scene when the shadow catches up to him but before that when he's trying to get away I think I want a little more of that detail. (This is a super nit-picky thing though :p).
I liked the drama of the end where the shadow got him and then there was hope and then it looked bad and then right at the end he's saved! Awesome! And I love the mystery that's added in now with what exactly got him, who saved him and why, why is she so scared of what she just did, and all of the other general what the heck is going on goodness that you've got here!
The only thing that didn't quite work for me was the end of the scene when the girl says
This might just me being overly picky, but this felt a little out of the blue or fast or something. Maybe show her facial expression when he asks if she knows how he can get back to Oregon like oh this poor guy or maybe some kind of recognition like she is familiar with Oregon but there's no hope or maybe exasperation like she's had to do this so many times before and she's over it before she says you have no idea where you are.
Overall, I think this is a pretty solid scene and I'm looking forward to reading on and learning more about this cool world you've created! I'm already liking this version better than the version you posted long ago! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback about that I didn't mention!
Ahhh you're back! I was so excited to see your reviews in my notifications! :3
Thank you so much! I agree, that last bit of dialogue needs help.
Hello, Fea here to review!
Wow! I really liked this; it's descriptive, easy to read and understand, and fast-paced but not so fast-paced one can't keep up.
"The voice that had warned him had come from the darkened half of the mountain range, so surely this rugged zenith was a place of refuge. What Brett wasn’t sure of was how far he had to climb to be safe, or what happened if the shadows caught up to him. The greenish-yellow straws of grass still poked here and there in between cracks in the ruddy rock and grew in bunches among the trees. He could faintly hear them rattling and whispering as the shadows rolled closer and closer, snaking across the mountains." I absolutely love this paragraph. It's very descriptive but easy to understand and not get lost in the prose; wonderful job!
I'll have to go back and read the other chapters; this was a fun read.
Good luck and good writing!
~ Knight Feather
Thank you Fea! I'd love it if you read more <3
Hello again!
"What Brett wasn’t sure of was how far he had to climb to be safe, or what, of course, happened if the shadows caught up to him." This sentence feels a bit wordier than it needs to be. The 'What Brett wasn't sure of" and the "of course" feel a bit like filler. Maybe deleting one or the other will fix the problem, but having both phrases made it stand out to me as wordy.
"He followed it eagerly," I don't think you need the eagerly here, but that might just be my personal distaste for most adverbs getting in the way.
About the place where the rope swings down to rescue him, you begin a lot of paragraphs with 'But'. This is especially noticeable since several of the sentences within the paragraphs also begin with 'But'. It's a lot of buts.
You picked the perfect place to end the chapter. A revelation like that hooks the reader to continue reading forward.
This section was as wonderful as the first part of this chapter! I like how the pace changed, from the wonderful attention to detail, describing the grass and the sound it made and the lanyard, to the faster pace used as he's being chased by the monster shadow things. You could probably be a little less nonchalant during the chase scene itself, but the pacing is perfectly done.
The girl's odd reaction to saving Brett is also interesting and sparks up a lot of intriguing questions for the reader. She could have more physical description, eg I'm curious to know what people on this new planet wear, but her personality's already starting to be introduced to the reader, which is also important.
Wonderful chapter. Hope this review helps and happy Review Day!
-tgirly
Thank you so much! Again, really great advice. Happy Review Day to you too ~
Well... I don't remember this in the last draft xD
I AM EXCITE.
[No review today, I'm afraid D: Maybe some time in the future I'll go back and spill all my thoughts.]
Awww xD I don't mind! Just the fact that you're actually reading this makes me plenty happy <3