"Everyone hang on!" The Doctor shouted, pulling a lever on the console. My Squad had finally woken up, and now we were hurtling through space and time.
"Woah," someone called, as we all struggled to find something to grab.
There's nothing to grab onto! Mr. Wonka, please turn off the fan, I thought to myself. I smiled as I remembered a big part of my childhood. After a moment though, I found a chair to cling onto, holding on forever.
Out of nowhere, I heard a loud clatter from the corner of the room. A globe had fallen off the desk near the second hallway. There was cacophony as the TARDIS desperately tried to land, and combined with all the chatter from everyone else, I couldn't focus.
"Almost got it," The Doctor said to herself, running circles around the console, hitting buttons and ringing bells. Suddenly, it all stopped. "Landed!" she shouted in victory, wrangling her hair back in place.
"Role call!" I called out. "Who's here and okay? Ash and Iris?"
I saw their heads pop up- Ash with his unnaturally dark spiky hair, and Iris' dark-purple-ish hair.
"We're good!" Ash responded, Pikachu agreeing with an electric "Pi-ka!" Iris, out of breath, gave a quick thumbs-up.
"Okay, cool. Objectively the Worst?" I asked.
There was no answer. Only silence.
"Burgundy?" I tried again.
"I'm right here, you idiot," she snapped back, and I realized she was two feet away from me, hanging onto the same chair. "Can't you see me?!" She flipped her fluffy purple hair back. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm shunning you at the moment. Cy, Chili, Cress?"
Before we continue, let me make it clear that these three were brothers. Cress and Chili being total opposites, and Cy being the one in the middle. For all being the same age, they were kind of explosive sometimes. But I didn't mind that.
"We're okay! We made it," Cy called back, sitting up. "Although some of us might have a few more bruises than others," he continued, laughing a little.
"HEY! There was nothing to grab," Chili responded. "You try hanging onto air!"
"You two are ridiculous," Cress chimed in.
"I guess we are." Cy laughed.
"Alright," I said, "Steven? Connie?"
"Here!" Connie returned, immediately shooting up. Steven slowly sat up. "Ow," he groaned. "At least this ride was smoother than usual."
"Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, Paris?"
For those of you just jumping into my story now, Paris was Peridot- I'll explain her nickname later.
"We're alright," Pearl said, dusting herself off. Garnet was already standing, and helping Amethyst up. Paris, near the console, complained, "Why can't this ship have one smooth landing?"
"The TARDIS is probably really old," Ash guessed.
"Well, not necessarily," River began to explain, but then she stopped. "I don't want to interrupt role call. I'll tell you two later, alright?" She winked.
"Then us Time Ladies. There's me! I'm alright? Missy, Doctor, River?"
"I'm fine. You, River?" The Doctor asked, and River nodded.
"I'm better than ever," Missy told me, arms crossed. She still had a happy look on her face, but it seemed almost... muted.
"Alright! We're good! Now, let's see what's out there," I chirped, excited.
"Opening the doors now," The Doctor announced as I stood up. She flicked a small lever, and the doors slowly but surely revealed a wild, uncharted planet. I squealed with excitement.
"New planet, new planet, new planet, new planet..." I excitedly chanted. I hadn't been this excited since one of my favorite characters came back in the Doctor Who Christmas Special.
"She'll be a great companion," River reminded the Doctor.
"She's not old enough, River," she returned. She began digging through her coat pockets. At this point, I was intently watching. "Here," she said, producing a clementine, "if I give you this, will you be quiet for a moment?"
"No," River responded, "I will not accept your bribe."
The Doctor looked disappointed.
"But I'm telling you, perfect companion, right there!" She motioned at me. The Doctor put the clementine back in her pocket.
"I'll discuss this with her later," The Doctor dismissed. River looked at me and shrugged.
"I don't know what's going on, Space Mom, but apparently Space Mom 2.0 will talk to me later. I'm sorry, wait, discuss this with me later," I observed.
"I'm telling her. Once you come of age, you'll be a wonderful companion," she told me as she walked out with the others.
"But won't that be weird?" I asked, trying to catch up with her, "I've always viewed her as someone to look up to. I know I look to her a lot of the time."
"No," River soothed. "You and her can get a little tense, given what people told you."
I tensed at the memory. I cringed. She was right. After a certain... incident, I took everything out on her. I never meant to, I just ran my mouth. But that's for later. I looked up at her, intently listening as we emerged onto this new world.
"I believe you'll be one of her favorite companions. I know you friends think so," she continued.
"She's just worried that I'll get hurt."
"It's a little bit more than that, Berri."
"So, what is it?" I asked, but River didn't answer. I took the moment to look around. This place, whatever and where ever it was, was gorgeous. It was jungle-like, and the canopy seemed to reach up higher than the sky should've allowed it. Many creeks flowed along the path we followed, making quiet noise.
"She..." River explained, trying to find the right words, "she doesn't want you to think less of her. Keep in mind, she just regenerated, too. Her personality is still taking shape. I'm sure she'll have other reasons, as well. She'll talk to you about it." Her words were oddly relaxing. Looking away, she continued, "You're a good kid. I trust you."
I sighed, then looked up at her.
"Thank you," I whispered. River glanced back at me, smiling warmly.
"Go talk to her," she urged, nudging me ahead a little. I turned around to face her, then nodded, and I headed off in The Doctor's direction. She was forging ahead, explaining something to Steven and Ash. I, being an s-class eavesdropper, listened in.
"The planet hasn't been inhabited by anyone yet. I wanted to take you guys here while I could," she said, a twinge of sadness piercing through her voice. Steven and Ash got all starry eyed and were obviously entranced by the temporary beauty of this planet. Sighing, I shook my head.
"Doctor?" I asked her, and, startled, she glanced back at me.
"Yes?" she returned.
"Who winds up inhabiting this planet?"
"Humans," she murmured, and she turned around again. Normally, she'd be excited over something like this, but I could see why she was upset. This place was beautiful. Knowing most humans, they probably had to deforest the place. I would stop them if I could.
We continued down the path for a while, everyone enjoying the sights. Someone spotted a waterfall from which pastel pink water fell. We stopped there for a bit, Steven playing his ukulele. I spent time with people. It was amazing. I actually felt very achieved for a while, until, of course, I tripped and fell in a nearby river.
"Just like Twelve when he dueled with Robin Hood," I shouted once I resurfaced. "'Who shot an arrow into my TARDIS?!' That was when he became my Doctor."
"I remember that fondly," Thirteen responded, "swordfighting with just a spoon and my quick thinking!" She laughed when she saw me dragging myself out of the river. "Berri, you really need to watch where you're going."
"I was! I'm convinced Paris tripped me!"
"Just because I was walking beside you doesn't mean I tripped you," she commented. "What was my motive?"
"Um, me being annoying and singing the Mii Maker Theme mashed up with the X-Files and the Doctor Who theme?"
"No." She turned away as I took off my red sweater and began to shake it dry. "There was no motive because I didn't trip you."
"Are you alright, Berri?" Cy asked me as I came up beside him.
"Why wasn't that ¿la primera pregunta?" I muttered, practicing my Spanish. "I'm alright. My sweater, on the other hand..."
It was still dripping wet, despite my efforts to dry it. I knew deep within both hearts that it would be ruined because of this. Of course, I still tried, as I began to wring it out and attempt to save it.
"It was a nice sweater too," Iris echoed my thoughts. "I feel bad for you."
"You can just buy another one when we go to Earth tomorrow," Pearl mentioned. I grimaced.
"I'm not going to Earth. I'll go to any other planet, even Skaro-" I motioned to my "Stop extermination today!" shirt I was wearing- "but not Earth. I also used twenty out of my twenty-five dollars from Christmas to buy classic Pokémon games."
"You know, you should really at least try Earth again," Cy told me, and I was about to respond, but I was interrupted.
End of chapter
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140,171 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Okay! I skim read your other chapters, but didn't comment on them. I'll probably touch on them in this review when I talk about the world building and such, but I read them mostly for context.
I'm also gonna have to put a disclaimer here:
a) I don't tend to read self-insert fanfic (which I think this is what this is, right?) and so I'm very unfamiliar with the style. There were some moments when your writing seemed a bit unusual, but when I thought about it, I couldn't actually find a flaw with it- I think it's just because something used in this genre.
b) I know very little about a lot of these fandoms. I like SU, and Avatar, and I ever so briefly dipped my toe in pokemon, buuuttt DW? Mate, I'm reading this going "aren't they dead?" "don't they hate each other?" etcetera. I think I could comment* upon that if you were aiming this at an audience who knew nothing about these fandoms, however I'm under the impression that this was aimed at DW-SU-Pokemon-Avatar fans, so just ignore anything I say which someone familiar with these things would know.
* now if I was to comment, I'm going to say for someone blind-ignorant on all these fandoms, this would make no sense whatsoever. But it's not aimed at them so/// I would also say that they still may be confused at how all these characters came together. Whenever I imagine crossovers I always go out of my way to decide why and how everyone met (usually worm holes or other bullsh**tery like that). Usually, I'd trust you to reveal that at some point, butttt here I get the feeling that I've missed something, a chapter or a conversation with you explaining this all. You refer to things, or treat it like I *should* know when I just... don't.
...
However! It didn't bother me at all, because your writing is actually very enjoyable!
Your humour is damn grand, just the little comments between characters made me smile (and for the fandoms I was in, I felt they were in character). I love reading fun, lively dialogue which makes it feel like the characters are friends or family. Sure, it may not contribute to the plot, and isn't some comedic masterpiece, but it makes you feel fondly to the characters and smile while writing and reading it. And! You avoided the mistake I usually make, where I think of something funny and completely forget how desperately out of character it is. Welp.
I also like the plot of this- the sort of meta vibe it has. I don't know how real all of this is for the main character, but you were consistent in my uncertainty. Was it a diary of their events? Did this world only exist in a story the main character was writing? That idea of how they had writing before? What does that mean? I don't know, but I'm enjoying my lack of knowledge. I may not know much, but it feels *interesting*.
My only critique of your writing is that sometimes I feel it is a but clumsy. However, this does tie in with my disclaimer part a). Phrases that I think are clumsy, for example, is when you describe the after-hurtle, at the start of the chapter, when you describe the hair of all the pokemon characters. Because here's the thing: all it does is tell us what they look like. It doesn't tell us anything about their character, doesn't have any layered imagery, etcetera etcetera. It's frustrating; the amount of times I have the *most wonderful* mental image of just *greatness* and *loveliness* and *such* but I just can't think of a tactful and subtle way to tell the reader... I haven't yet found a way around it. Sadly, I just leave it. Because otherwise it takes away from the story and immersion, and leaves the reader in a strange place where learning about the world in a way no one in the world would ever notice- it makes us a spectator looking at the hair instead of the story... Yikes I went on there. I'm sorry, there will be something good there.
Anyway. Phrases I'm more uncertain if it's clumsy, or just style, (or a clumsy style where the greatest issue is just unpractised): "For those of you just jumping into my story now, Paris was Peridot- I'll explain her nickname later." So sometimes you read things like this, where the perspective suddenly stops talking about the plot to explain something to the reader. And it's unnatural, just like describing the hair. Buuuuuut I'm not confident with my analysis here; throughout all these chapters, the main character has been talking to us as much as the characters in story. It's like one of those TV shows with a voice over. And this is consistent with the style! And that style works! So while it's one of those phrases which may ring warning bells in me, when I thought about it, it was fine! And part of something good. Sooooo... I'll let you use your own judgement here.
... I hope this helps.
Oohhh, this is Doctor Who fan fiction! I love Doctor Who, so this fits me well. Also "The Doctor said to herself." So this is thirteen? Yaaaasss!
But anyway, this was a really cool chapter and I really liked it. I didn't really find any grammatical errors either. The only couple of things I would say is that sometimes it was hard to tell who was speaking because you used a lot of "she"s which sometimes got confusing when there were multiple she's in the conversation. Typically, you only want to use she for someone instead of their name if they already spoke just before the person who they're responding to.
Also, for the end of the chapter, I think it would create a better cliffhanger if you gave a slight hint of what interrupted Berri exactly. Don't say what is it exactly but maybe something like "...but I was interrupted by something crashing through the trees." Or something like that. Don't say it exactly. Just hint at it.
Last but not least, just make sure you do more showing in this chapter. If you can, try to show is what this planet that they're on looks like, rather than show it.
That's all I've got though. Good job on this chapter and keep up the good work!
Hiya, Violet here!
I enjoyed your chapter very much( Don't worry about that quotation error, I didn't notice it the first time too:) Berri's character is very bubbly and sweet, and I would love to be her friend. The humor here too is also very funny. It's not overly humorous, but it's the right amount.
The last paragraph felt cut off, and you should've at least put some more sentences to truly add the chapter to a close.
Overall, this is a very enjoyable chapter, and you're a great writer!
Violet's blasting off again!
@KatjaDawn @Mmellowme @AnneTaylor @imaginer2018 @TheBlueCat @woahhitherepal @Saruka @nightmarenoodles @LJF @SpaceSnickerdoodle @neptune @saentiel @LemonTheDorkyPanda @Kanome @SpecialClodChild @AnneTaylor @WhosabellCanWrite @adelaide459 @Evander @Baezel @KaiRyu @damagedandlonely
TELL ME IF MY SPANISH IS RIGHT OR WRONG PLEASEEE ;W;
Will be bookmarked for me to review. Thank you for tagging me c:
You're welcome!
Thanks for tagging meh dude!
If you meant to say "the first question?" in spanish, then it's right. Thanks for tagging me and great chapter (I'll need to review and read the rest of it soon
).
Thank you guys! Your support is awesome!!
I never have and never will know anything about spanish, but gimme 10 mins to see if the english is good ;0