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Young Writers Society


16+

Toilet is Life

by WanderingCloud


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

In the beginning. 

Darkness, all he can see is darkness. But all of a sudden, an unknown force pushed him down. He wanted to resist but has no strength. It was like, something wrapped his whole body.

He chose to give up, closed his eyes and let the unknown force push him down...

A blinding light covered his vision. He heard a splash that it made his whole body shiver. Then a deep voice reverberated in the whole room, it sounded like a great burden of its life was lifted,

"Ohhhhh...Crap! You are a tough one. Gahhh... finally."

The poor thing floated on the cold water listening and watching to this mystical moment of his life. He looked above him and saw two inverted mountains and between them is a well. All of a sudden, white fabrics fell from the heaven. The sight was unbelievable that he said, 

*Woah. That is so kind. Thank you for giving me this clothes. From this day on, I will remember this kindness that you have given to me. But, may I know the name of this kind sir?*

"Oh Crap. I am going to be late! Better hurry." The voice said.

*It seemed that he didn't hear me...woah* he thought.

Amidst his thought, his whole body was dragged by the current. The water was swirled down and...

***Burrrp***

...

Water, water everywhere. In his front is circular path and behind is a wall. He remembered that he is under water so he suddenly held his breath. 

*Where am I? I need air... oh my... I am losing air. Have to stop moving.* he said. To his surprise, he could breath. 

*Oh wow. This is unexpected but I have yet to know the man who freed me. Okay! I'll change my name for him. From this day on, my name is... hm...wait... I heard him say 'crap'. Okay, that will do. My name is Crap. Now, where should I go? *

Little lights came from the small crack on the wall. A golden plate was plastered on the wall.

*It says... Se..Wer? What is sewer? It looks like a special place. And it points to that direction. Hm, I should find out.*

Bringing only that belief he swam to the unknown circular path. 

...

On the way, Crap saw someone and swam to his direction. The man was shivering from cold. He tore his fabric and asked, 

*uhmm.. Mr... it is dangerous here. We don't know what lurks in this darkness...* he handed the half piece of the fabric.

The man clasped his hands tightly on Crap's hand as he received the fabric, *Hmph. I don't care. I'll just go anywhere. I'll rest now so go away.*

*Aw...But don't you wan't to go reach that place called Sewer?*

*Hah. Childish. If you only know what you are talking about. You'll eventually give up. If you want to go, then go. Don't disturb me.*

Crap left him behind without a word. He felt that the guy was rude and he has no time to bother witb someone like him.

Seeing the departing figure of Crap. The man muttered, *I hope you don't give up. Heh*

Sometime passed...

Crap noticed that the place became darker and darker.

A sudden current pushed him.

**BAM!**

He struck on to a wall. The fabrics got in between a crack.

Crap unknowingly pulled it. White fabrics was torn to shreds and lost in the darkness. Another current pushed him and he struck another wall again.

**BANG!**

Frequent appeared again and again. After a few hits the pace of flow slowed down. Holding on to his fading consciousness as he fell down on the ground. His body felt heavy and numb while his vision started to go blur. 

*I guess... I was on the wrong way. No, no... I should continue... must... reach.* 

He mustered his remaining strength to stand up but failed. His body swayed but before he could fall on the ground, an arm grabbed his waist.

*You are a tough one, aren't you?* said the mysterious guy.

Crap can see a blurry figure of a man. His complexion was white. And a white fabric hung on his neck. He seemed so familiar. Before he could even think of who was it, he fell unconscious.

**SNAP!**

Crap heeped up and gasped for air. The man let go of his hands. He grinned then asked,

*Will you still find the Sewer?*

*...haa..haaaa..gahhh... hell yeah.*

~0~0~0

A/N: Guys, If you did not get the story. Think of it as the toilet=world and the poop=is you who is you know. I like to cover up the real meaning of my story. 

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Sun May 07, 2017 7:20 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there welcome to YWS! :)

So just a few thoughts on your piece:

Grammar Conventions

A few grammar issues here and there:

First paragraph "hole" should be "whole"

"Thank you for giving me this clothes" -> "this" should be "these"

"he has no time to bother witb someone like him." -> "witb" should be "with".

You may want to give the piece a quick read through because there were quite a few places here and there that were missing commas or had mis-spellings. Taking out those grammar and spelling mistakes will help the piece seem more polished and allow readers to take it more seriously.

Form
There was quite a lot of use of ellipses or "..." I found it to be a little distracting at times. I think using it once in a while in dialogue can be effective to indicate a pause in speech, but using it to extend words like "...haa...haaa..gahh..." or between transitions doesn't add a whole lot. I would suggest using ellipses sparingly, but that's just a personal suggestion.

Also I found it a bit odd that you used asterisks instead of quotation marks, not sure what to make of this, but just wanted to make note of it.

You may want to label this piece under humorous rather than "action/adventure" to draw in readers who are more into the humorous aspect.

Plot Progression
To be honest, from the content, I couldn't quite tell if this piece was about a person or a piece of poo. I think clarity would be good if it's supposed to be a person, but if not it sort of funny ambiguity, and I'm assuming the piece is intended to be humorous.

It got pretty confusing to follow what was happening at times. ie. who was the random person who gave the speaker some clothes? What in the world is going on in this world and what's the conflict. I think a bit more clarity in some of those points like nailing down a clear conflict and continuing it through the piece would improve the piece and allow readers to keep their attention better.

The end scene completely lost me, this could be due to not careful reading on my part, but I was lost about who this random person was at the end or what even happened to the speaker. The last two lines offer no conclusion.

I ended up sort of thinking this idea was written for a bunch of poo innuendos. I think you did have quite a few funny little lines to that regard. Like "between the crack" the whole "Sewer" location thing. Although even if the piece is just made for these sort of jokes, a clear conflict throughout helps the reader get to those.

Overall impressions
Overall, there were a few funny moments in the piece and with some edits for clearer plot line I think it could be a pretty effective little short story.

Best of luck in the rest of your writing!

~alliyah

This review courtesy of
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Many Thanks for the review! :) The astersisks though are used in an app in my phone to make them italic. The story is supposed to give meaning about life circumstances and not giving up... but I guess it was messed up. Many thanks again.



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Sun May 07, 2017 7:15 pm
Silberfee wrote a review...



it isn't necessary to put a comma in this sentence: 'It was like, something wrapped his hole body.' Also surely you meant to write 'whole,' instead of 'hole.'

'watching to this mystical moment of his life,' - watching this mystical moment of his life.

'In his front is circular path' - in front is a circular path.
'The sight was unbelievable that he said,' - the sight was (so) unbelievable ..

Here when you say

The poor thing
I'm not quite sure what you are referring too the protagonist fo the thing above? If its the protagnist I wouldn't refer to him as thing as the word is usually reserved for unsentient beings.

He remembered that he is under water so he suddenly held his breath.
usually when I'm underwater if I don't hold my breath i end up with a mouthful and noseful of water so I don't see how he can remember to hold his breath surely the mouthful and noseful of water would remind him?

At this point
name for him. From this day on, my name is... hm...wait... I heard him say 'crap'. Okay, that will do. My name is Crap. Now, where should I go? *
I would have liked to see an explanation about how the protagnist ended up in some pool thing and has no name (does that mean he has no identity?) as it seems to be a crucial part of the plot. At the moment the story feels too vague for me to grasp and understand what is going on. I understand that the scene is somewhere with water but is it an ocean, or a pool, or underground? And what is Crap doing down there? is he stuck or at work or?






Hehe. It needs a bit of critical thinking for my works. Hint: Imagine the toilet. It should be a stucked up poop. I guess I should change the title to The adventure of Crap? I really am bad at titles. Thanks btw.



Silberfee says...


Sorry its partly my fault I didn't read the title !! so stupid of me ....if I read the title I might have picked up on the crap thing . This is a really unique piece of work ...personfiying body fluids...if you ever do rewrite it you should focus more on evidence its not clear that it is crap...like you could mention it staining the toilet, the odour it leeaves ..





lol. I just changed the Title after I have read your review. I must have not considered some of those things(like smell or something). I intended to make it 300 word story but I ended up with too much details. I am so amateur.




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane