In a bowl or in the ground.
Hard or soft, somewhere around.
Sometimes golden,
sometimes you darken.
You are hurting me inside
my orders you don't abide.
I released my fury
my vision became blurry.
I held my breath
For you are just beneath.
Cold sweat trickled from my forehead
my face turning red.
No matter how hard I try,
it seems you are very sly.
Strength is the cost
for you to get lost.
~Stool
A/N: I edited it. I hope I didn't messed it up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Legacy here for a review.
Some spots in this poem you intended to have a rhyme but fell short, such as when you say golden and darken. Those don't rhyme and "you're darken" isn't grammatically correct. I could change that to "you're darker" although that still doesn't rhyme. Breath and underneath don't rhyme very much when read aloud, although they do seem like they would rhyme because of the end letters.
You seem to have forced rhymes and I personally don't like forced rhymes. Not every poem has to rhyme.
You have a good start, but this needs some work before it is a final copy. I wish you good luck as you edit. Legacy.
Thanks
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
I'll have to start this off by stating that I don't find myself very invested into poems that cover the subject matter of our waste. It's a little hard to review since there isn't exactly a gauge here of what is quality and what it's not due to the uncommon topic, but we'll delve right into the review nonetheless. The poem is clever to an extent, I do have to admit. The first aspect of the poem that I noticed is that you've decided to use capitalization at the beginning of each line, and I have trouble seeing why.
I'm not saying that you're not allowed, because it's your stylistic choice to make, but I don't see what benefits or enhances from adding it. I almost believe that it'd have the same effect if you used regular capitalization rules, so that's why I ask. I don't see how it improves the poem aesthetically or in regards to the structure, so it'd help if you explained it.
Moving off of that, what I do find weak in the poem is that the rhymes end up being pretty elementary in that it's a constant AABBCCDD-continued until the end of the poem. I'm glad that you actually have a rhyme scheme, it's just a very simplistic one. The other part of this is that not all of the pairs here actually rhyme. I'll go ahead and give a couple of examples of these below:
I don't believe that 'darken' is the appropriate word here in the second line. 'Sometimes you're darker' or even 'Sometimes you darken' would both fit better in this situation, but mainly I wanted to say that 'golden' and 'darken' don't really rhyme.
No rhyme here either. I'd suggest reworking this to where it's smoother and actually does rhyme.
Following up on that, the main problems of the poem retain to the structure or grammar and not the actual content, since that's a little harder to judge. Just because you're rhyming in this poem and you have a rhyme scheme of AABBCCDD-onward doesn't mean that you have to start with the first line or rhyme, and then end it with a period. I mention this because your sentence structure is quite simple and does not change whatsoever throughout the whole piece, and it gets stale easily.
I suggest that in your revisions or edits if you decide to make them, to make the sentence structure more diverse. Overall, the poem isn't bad in terms of humor though it could be improved with the simplistic structure and rhyme scheme. If you do have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Thank you for your honest review. I apologize for my grammatical lapses since English is not my native language but I'm practicing more often. I practice it through this kind of activity and I keep simple. It's just me being careful with my words. Not diving in too deep that I can't even breath then I would end up nothing.
Research for me, though, hinders my creativity but not to the extent that I do not. And I'll try to work on with my structure. Well, thank you again for the review.
No problem! Glad I helped you out. Practice makes perfect, and it's okay that English isn't your native language. You're learning, and that's what matters!