A dialogue of a star, a child, two men and a person with unfortunately large feet. You will do well to be confused. It is only right.
(A slightly more controlled stream of consciousness work -- well, at least in the beginning it's controlled.)
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”When I stare at the stars, I feel so small, so – inconsequential. Out there, there are millions upon millions of possible planets and their societies, unfolded across time untold. And here we are, stranded on our little speck of dust, slowly churning it into a dense, rigid mud. Oh, how they must look down upon us. How they must silently wish us contempt.”
”I think not, to be honest. Rather, I think the stars envy us. Yes, it is so.”
”Hmm? How so?”
”You see … how should I put this? Imagine – imagine a lightbulb. A bulb of light. It is quite beautiful, illuminating, sometimes shimmering when electricity is lacking. That is a star, no? Now, imagine you next a globe of specked lighting, like one of them Christmas ornaments. See, in your mind, the multitude of lights flickering, constantly shifting and churning and blinking. Which is more beautiful, more inpiring, to you yourself, and I?”
”I know not where you are going with this, but the Christmas ornament is very beautiful indeed. I see how it blinks and winks, making me all blush with warmth. The flush of my cheeks are so.”
”Yes! Yes it is. That is us, flickering in unision, all without any knowledge of our hidden lights. The stars gaze upon us and see millions and millions of tiny lights, all working towards the same goal: global illumination. That, is what the stars long. I think, the stars are lonely.”
” … We'll have to go visit some day, give them a kiss.”
”I think not. Just as we are very much content that they are years away, they wish for us to stay right here, where they can continue to admire us.”
”Admire? Didn't you state they were envious of us? I find my thoughts in disarray.”
”Yes, rightly you ask that question. The answer, as most answers justly are, is splendid in its simplicity. Admiration breeds envy. Envy is the child admiration begets when polite society glances away. That is the fate of many a man, and I believe that not even stars can outrun its influence.”
”I weep for the stars.”
”Weep not, for they shan't weep for you. Admire them, and envy them, for that, they can return. If you must give them a kiss, blow it instead, so they may catch it, from a distance, and treasure it forever more.”
”I shall.”
”That is a good deed you have done.”
”Likely. Deeds with intentions pure can still be deeds of insurmountable wrong. Wrong does not spell itself out before others write it in salt and iron.”
”But surely a blown kiss may cause no harm? Am I mistaken in this? For I think not.”
”You think many a thing, surely, and many a thing you think appeals to sense, just as surely, but in this you will find yourself without a candle in the dark. Pray tell me, you, what might happen if that kiss should fly astray? In my mind, I see a kiss, buffetted by the winds of chance, and striking an awkward target. A kiss blown is one easily caught. A kiss placed is much more secure.”
”Ah, I gaze upon my mistake and wonder: how had this eluded mine thoughts?”
”That, I cannot find an answer to. Only long personal guidance may reveal the secret. Now it lurks beyond words and kisses and other vibrations, long past the grasp of my influence.”
”I find you adopting my words already, clever child.”
”Which one of us is the more clever of the children, though? Is it you, child, or me, child? There may be but one child, for the other must watch over. So, how will it be, child?”
”The use of child was profound on your tongue. The way it slides off and seems silky and gay. There is much for me to learn in that tongue of yours. May I inspect it on a closer color?”
”As long as you refrain from giving it a lick. Otherwise we might never entangle them and we shall lose our tongues.”
”Alas, that is true. I shall hastily retreat my tongue.”
”It is for the best, I'm certain, you are certain.”
”Yes, yes. Now. Open up so I may begin my inspection and perchance learn a thing or two. Ah, yes! This knob here … and this one here! They interact in such and such a manner, so to speak, to speak of things like so. It is all very, very impressive I say. Hmm? What was that?”
”I said, please let go of my tongue so I may answer. Thank yourself for me, would you? I'm quite busy answering. I believe I apologized for your compliment.”
”But why would you ever fathom of responding like that? Why, it defies the very fabric of our relationship.”
”Did you not just say admiration seeks envy as its heir? I apologize for bringing this upon you, child.”
”Oh yes, yes. My mind is not what it used to be, good child. It seeks disused roads to race upon, with our without my consent. Sometimes it feels nice, to have the neurons in the open air, breathing. But, believe me or not, it has a strange quality to it.”
”I find myself nodding in agreement. Quite so, quite so. Shall we both be children then? You child me and I child you.”
”No blown kisses then.”
”Rightly. It is only right.”
”Then it has been reached to agree to this consent. There will be no further froliwabbing on the subject at ease. Rightly so?”
”Right.”
”Yes. Ahem. And so.”
”So what?”
”This old child seeks the end of the world.”
”This old child must find knickers to warm ears, not owned by the child at all, I'm afraid.”
”My knees stutter in terror, too. To seek destruction is one thing, but to seek life and preservation, that is a smidge upon terrifying. Spiders seem small and rather jolly while dancing the rhumba in comparison. They do make horrific dancers, do they not? They must insist on jerking around, no manners displayed to the music whatsoever.”
”We childs have much to learn. Or much to unlearn. I wonder which is worthier, as in the destruction and birthing processes, when learning is considered. Which might be the greater feat.”
”Bigfoot, I'm as certain as I am ripe, has found the largest feet. They happen to be stuck on him. Imagine his shock when this came upon him after years of search. The poor fellow went mental.”
”Poor guy. I always liked him. Dim, in his way, but he damn well was a lightbulb, that one.”
”The flickeriest, blinkiest, warmingiest, best (is that even a word? Surely not) light I've ever stumbled upon. I was flying all through the afternoon after having tripped on him. Maybe I hit his foot? Would make a lot of sense, in a fashion.”
”Him and his fashions. Oh, I won't go into those. You must know what I'm speaking of. You must.”
”There is no doubt in my mind. All shadows have been vanquished with a flaming harpoon.”
”Don't stick that in my hide, pray please. There might be a wrong hidden in it. Harpoons are best used for writing in blood, I'm shaking in fright.”
”Shake my hand instead, so we may shake together. It might ease the jiggles.”
”Thank me, child.”
”I thank me … Child.”
”Retirement has been reached with no further knowledge.”
”So it would look, if you were looking from mine eyes, mayhaps through child's eyes.”
”They see justly and rightly so.”
”I shall sleep while sleep finds my eyes. Rest well, and sleep, child.”
”Twinkle away into the night, child.”
”Fare the stars well on their journeys. May we never meet and always yearn, winking at each other.”
”So it would seem – indeed – so it looks like through a child's green eyes.”
”So it is. Thusly so.”
”Thricely so and so be gone.”
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140,804 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi there WaitingForLife!
This was...something! I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, to be honest. I like the sort of stream-of-consciousness element of two people star-gazing and talking about life and everything that comes to mind (which is quite realistic!).
However, there are quite a few places that make it come off almost jarring, and take away from the possible impact of the overall story.
First, the language. There are several places where the language these two people use is so "high" or "intelligent" it becomes slightly off-putting. It feels like these characters are talking thesaurus' just for the sake of sounding intelligent. The lack of prose makes it even more off-putting, as there are no descriptions of these two to put their use of language into context. Are they talking this way naturally, or are they being slightly silly? How old are they? What era are they from? What is their place in life/society? All of these factors would impact how a person would speak, and would make a slightly exaggerated style like this make more sense and flow better to a reader.
Then, there are lines that just don't make much sense such as this one:
it doesn't really come with much context, and the whole 'not owned by a child at all, I'm afraid' doesn't make any sense at all to me. There's nothing to explain the significance behind this phrase, and it's quickly passed over. Not being able to understand what's going on/what's being said can kick a reader out of the story, and it becomes harder to draw them back in for the rest.
Of course, I do really like how some of the lines feel almost poetic, such as:
The only problem is they're randomly poetic, and out of a context that makes sense. The style of this story is a bit experimental, and that's great! But even when you're being experimental the story has to flow right and make a certain kind of sense to the reader, if you get what I mean. Poetic intellectual rambling is okay, but there has to be some sort of pattern. A method to the madness, if you will.
What I think could help make this story stronger is to, mainly, think about the characters talking. Who are they? What makes them think in these ways? Understanding why they have these thoughts will help not only you control them in a way that makes sense, but allow you to present them (with the addition of prose, or more explaining dialogue) to a reader in a way that makes sense. It also might help to tone down the language a bit to make these two relatable to a more average reader (don't dumb it down, of course! just bring them down a peg or two to make them more understandable haha), and to work out a clearer direction for the conversation to take. Even in stream of consciousness there has to be something that connects one thought to the next!
Hope something I've said helps! And that my post-finals brain hasn't kept me from making any sense at all xD
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Heya, missed this until now, sorry for being blind!
And thanks. As to the randomness and overall inconsistencies in style, well, I guess I'll have to chalk that up to writing this like my mind works. I wrote this as a mirror to what was going on in my head and this is the extent to which my mind fluctuates, haha. As far as the characters go, they have no real physical appearance in my head - they felt like people I just knew, just as I know where my hands are at the moment.
But I'll keep all your advice in mind when trying out this style again, be assured. Thanks for your thoughts, and your post-finals brain is in a surprisingly coherent state. Congrats on that! 
Unfortunately I have no intention of changing this one or my brother might just lynch me.