Jim swung hard, causing his brother to stagger under the weight of his blow. He followed up with a neat downward slash, striking the stick out of Brett's grip. Brett howled in pain as Jim's stick continued its arc and struck him on the shoulder, connecting with a crack. Brett's pudgy hand clasped his shoulder as tears choked his eyes.
”Whacho do dat for?” Brett asked, his lower lip tembling.
”Your fault for not having your stick in the way to block it, dummy,” his older brother stated matter-of-factly, standing triumphantly over Brett. ”And quit crying. If that was a real sword, you'd be dead, so that's nothing what I did. You was lucky, you was.”
Brett looked down at the ground and bit his lip to quench his eyes.
”Again?” he asked Jim, eyes still on the ground.
”If you wanna lose again, sure.” Jim kicked over the fallen stick.
Brett took up the stick, charged his brother and hit hard, slicing through Jim's guard, continuing through his shocked eyes. Warm, thick blood sprayed Brett, dripping down the length of his stick. A clean cut divided Jim's face, from crown to throat. His body danced, then fell backwards. A cold wind picked up from the south. Brett didn't mind; he gathered the blood like a cloak and walked home.
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Whee, I tried to edit this, stating that it's a work of flash fiction and that's why it's so short, but it seems I forgot to click 'Submit' or something. Sorry about the confusion, guys!
So, to clarify: this story is a work of flash fiction depicting brotherly competition - with a little twist. ^^
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139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
I had absolutely no idea that that was coming. Truly shocked me. Well done, that hasn't happened for a while.
The only thing I didn't understand was how a stick managed to cut through a guy's face. Sticks tend to be quite blunt. If you think it would add to the story, describe how that would work. Just a suggestion mind
Hi, friend.
I really liked your piece, and with just a couple of notes, it could be even more fantastic.
1.) Feel free to describe Jim and Brett a little better. What do they look like? (Fun Fact: two of my drum majors this year in marching band are named Jim and Brett, and I can't help but think of them wrestling.)
2.) "...quench his eyes." That phrase is a little funky, I'd try rewording it just a smidge.
3.) I feel like describing what Jim looked like on the ground might help with closure for the whole thing a bit.
4.) I really liked how suddenly Jim was killed, though. It was done very well.
Love ya,
-Inky
I like this piece but I agree with alycat, I'm not really given much information as to why They are fighting.The fight is to fast paced you should slow it down some and add more emotion.Why does Jim ask to fight again right after he was badly hurt and driven to tears?A clean cut divided Jim's face, from crown to throat. His body danced, then fell backwards. A cold wind picked up from the south. Brett didn't mind; he gathered the blood like a cloak and walked home.Right there it sounds like he killed jim.Well it could be longer and more explained but regardless good work.
I love the way this story was written. It was short indeed but I was crying by the end. For some reason, this story really got to me, but I loved it. Well written. I was instantly hooked and I wish there was more of this story that I could read. You really grabbed my attention from the very beginning and held it to the end. Job well done. However...
You have only a few grammar mistakes...
{”Whacho do dat for?” Brett asked, his lower lip tembling.}
If I am not mistaken, I think you meant trembling, not 'tembling'
{A clean cut divided Jim's face, from crown to throat.}
You need to add a hyphen between clean and cut like so ... clean-cut
You have no redundncies or cliches in your story so I applaud you for that!
Your average sentence length is 9.7. Your sentence variation is perfect! Bravo!
Avoid using prepositions at the end of your sentence such as...
-for
Watch out for vague words/phrases. I found only a couple in your piece such as...
-down
-cold
& -like
Overall, you have very good capitalisation and spelling consistency. I wouldn't worry too much about the technical aspect of this story because it was written so well that there are only a few small mistakes here and there. Keep up the good work!
I like the overall concept of this piece, but i think you could elongate it much more. Try explaining the fight in more detail and have it be more than a single paragraph. I think everything that you have here happens much to fast and you should slow down, and put more emotion in. Also, try answering these questions in the story because I can't understand them:
!
Why are they fighting?
Why is Jim being so cruel?
Why does Brett not care that he gravelly injures is big brother?
How old is Brett? (I ask because the word "Whacho" does not sound right)
Why are they using sticks?
Try putting the answers to these questions in and It'll be awesome
P.S: try using "Watcha" in stead of "Whacho"