The blade twisted in the wound. The tall figure garbed in pure shadows cocked its head in vague interest. The young man in armor at least two sizes too big gasped out a breath – his last one as it was. The figure drew back its hand and the unholy steel left the flesh with a wet, sucking sound. Blood spurted from the fatal wound, poisoning the earthy ground with crimson. The droplets hit the figure's robes and slid right off, leaving them black as a crow's plumage.
The figure had to strain its willpower to draw its gaze from the dead man, the dead boy. Silver metal glinted in the eerie light as the eyes behind the hideous mask surveyed the scene of carnage in disinterest. The last sight of most of these men had been a maniacally grinning face of silver. The face under the mask was impassive amongst this butchery. A score of men, or what was left of them, were sprawled around the field, faces twisted in various degrees of agony. These were the ones lucky enough to have something resembling a face remaining to them.
There was a whisper of cloth as the figure hefted the sword it held, the wicked edge catching the light in a peculiar manner. The steel was stained with the blood of countless men; it would never come clean. That was the blade's purpose, its essence. To be an instrument of destruction. To never be able to forget it. That was its duty in life. Its meaning.
The figure closed its eyes. This was killing in its perfection. Why wasn't it content? In its opinion there was no reason why it should be able to kill a man with a single touch, a single twist of the wrist. There's no use in achieving perfection. If the meaning of life is to achieve perfection, what happens once you achieve it? The meaning... It had no meaning in life anymore. Even the pleasure of living had left it. There had been a time when slicing the artery of a helpless victim had been what it lived for. A time when the screams of the doomed hushed under the swinging arch of its blade.
All that remained now was emptiness. A man behind a mask, the man being hollower than the mask it hid behind. Ironically, the features of the mask had been its own a few years back, face alight with joyful savagness in the heat of battle. It had forgotten how to smile, to laugh. Its face muscles wouldn't obey it, wouldn't twist into a grin when the blood grew wings.
A life without meaning is like a cause without rebels; nothing but talk, nothing to back the words up with. An empty shell... Yes, that's what it was, an empty shell. The beautiful butterfly had left the cocoon behind to rot. The cocoon had no meaning anymore; it had served its purpose already.
Its thoughts were interrupted by the shouting of men, raised voices in the dusk. The first rays of light crept over the rolling hills and shone off the silvery teeth, illuminating the blood lust in the grin. A new day, still no hope for redemption.
The dark figure wearily turned towards the commotion, a wolf in a hen house. Pregnant drops of blood dripped down the length of the blade. They gathered at the point, eventually dropping down onto the blades of grass. The figure had no heart that could dramatically beat in time with the steadily crashing drops. It had no heart to know it was unnatural for the blood to be outside its body.
The bushes rippled like disturbed water as men moved stealthily through them. It was useless of course. The cold eyes stared at the world with hatred and loathing through eyes of silver. They saw everything and took no joy in any of it.
The sword swayed upwards, just in time to relfect the image of the first man to clear the bushes. On his face was written nothing but the knowledge of his imminent death. The sound of the bloodied sword swooshing down cut through the stunned silence. The screams and cries of anguish were born. They died off. The face behind the mask never altered.
The field ran red with blood, creating rivers and lakes of crimson, staining everything with a sticky mass of gore. The heaps of inner organs steamed in the air that they should have never seen. Grounded spears grew out of the earth, caricatures of the thin trees all around. Shattered swords and axes were clutched in shattered fists on shattered bodies. All was quiet, not a breeze shifted the landscape. All but one spot was stained forever in blood.
A pool of sunken shadows in the middle of the corpses was untouched by the life of the other men. Not a stain was on it, not a cut from a weapon. It was untouched, unstained, pure. Still it lay there, quiet and still, eyes begging for the salvation of death. But it would not come. No rest for the weary, and no salvation for the damned. The muscles of the face twitched violently and finally a shaky ghost of a grin was brought to life. The grin never reached the eyes though, and was gone before the figure could register the happening completely.
This blows...
A sudden gust of wind snatched the nigh-humane thought and flew away with it, rustling the clothes of the dead in passing.
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
this is a beautiful piece of writing, I think you did an excellent job of describing the mind of a killer. the way you described detail was in-depth as well, along with your flow made it an enjoyable read.
sorry if this sounds a little cliche but I am a new writer and need to learn a few things. still don't let that take away from this amazing story. it is well crafted and quick to the point.
Heya, thanks for the advice!
Also, I wrote this story a while back and I've pretty much left it on the shelf, but I'll see what I can do about polishing it.
In response to your suggestion about commas, I wrote this piece in a style hugely unlike my usual one. I went for a very "clipped" narrative, to give it a sense of straight-forwardness. Commas break up the text into, ah, more of a thoughtful structure, hence the lack of them. ^^
As for the thought, I've tried to come up with something else, but haven't found any that I liked, so "This blows..." has sorta stuck. I'll re-double my efforts now that it was brought up again.
Now, right off the bat, that was a cool opening! It grabbed my attention, and sucked me into the story.
It truly gives an interesting insight into a trained killer's mind. Your descriptions are both fairly fluid, and use lovely imagery - except for the gory parts, where it wasn't quite as lovely, but the imagery was still good. But perhaps a tad too gory?
Now, I personally believe that this would benefit with a few more commas. Also, there are several redundancies, like 'earthly ground'. One means the other, my friend, no need to put it twice.
Also, I think you could turn that parting thought "This blows..." into something really dramatic. If, say, the character was modern, than yes, that might, might, be a good thought to give him. If not, try for something more subtle, more despairing.
So, all in all, a chilling piece, and a good read for a violence/madness lover like myself. Just work on polishing up the rough edges - you could really make this piece shine.
-Kelcia
Hey, thanks for the comment!
This might yet become a prolouge, as I've been trying to rack my brains since writing this to think of a way to continue it. I haven't liked any of the ideas I've had - which are very few - but I'd like to continue this myself too. ^^
So, any ideas are appreciated!
This was a really neat story, and I liked how you emphasized how horrible and damned the protagonist was. To hell with likable people
It was almost like a horror story in a fantastical setting, and I really liked your description of the blood and dead bodies. Too many people use these these things for shock value, and I felt they were implemented really nicely here. I really dug this, though I wish this was a prologue instead of a standalone story. It would have been really cool to follow this guy throughout his misadventures of war and pillaging.
Keep up the good work
Allright, Ive tried to edit it up to date now. Thanks for the replies and so on and so forth
Wow that really scared me!!! IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH. You are an amazing and talented writer. You can bring forth a picture just from reading it while I have trouble doing so. It's amazing how detailed it was and how you showed the emotions i believe of the man. It was great. I have trouble with that part, always moving it along too fast, or too slow. Which I guess will take me awhile to fix, since I am writing one story at the moment. I loved it and I hope to see if you have more on here.
Alo! Wow I liked this a lot! Just two little nitpicks...
I think you should either take out the "in robes" or "crafted of pure shadows" part, with both of them in there it seems as if you're trying to put too much info in a menial sentence.
I like the thought, but I think you should find another thought, "This blows" seems out of place to the rest of the piece.
Overall...wow! I loved it! Its a interesting idea...its a very well written piece and it really grabs you.
This was a great story! I love how you describe everything! If this was just a random story that your wrote in class, imagine what you can do when you make it into so much more! Keep writing!
Thank you for taking your time and reviewing this, I really appreciate it ^^
Oh and I really liked the sentence "Blood spurted from the fatel wound poisoning the earthy ground with crimson." It does give the scene more imagery and emotion.
Ill be editing the glitches you mentioned tomorrow or the day after, just as soon as I get some rest.
And as for continuing this story, if thats what you meant by sticking to the story line, we shall have to see. As this was just a random scene I wrote while being being extremely bored on a history lesson (+a little editing afterwards ofc), Im not sure how to continue it.. as of yet.
But yeah, thanks again!
_WaitingForLife_
Hey, welcome to YWS! You'll love it here.
You certainally have major potential and you ain't afraid to show it. That's really good, shows your a good author.
As always, there are the tiny things that I'm here to help you with.
This is a really good sentance but the "crafted of pure shadows" could do with having a comma at the beginning and end. "its" should be"it's" because the head belongs to him...or does it? Hehe X.
This could be powerful sentance but needs something more. Try: "Blood spurted from the fatel wound poisoning the earthy ground with crimson.
The first part of this paragraph has way to many questions, I started to get a bit confused.
Try not to start a sentance with "and".
You've repeated blood to close together. See if you can merge these two sentances together so there is ohnly one "blood".
Wow...I'm very intreged by your story. Definatly stick with this story line.
Keep up the good writing skills!!
PM me if you need anything!
X BlackRose X