Journey of Sins: Prologue: The Forgotten King

I think this story has a lot of interesting stuff about it. The two children grab my attention from the start, and your imagery is, for the most part, quite compelling. However, like all writing, it also has some flaws, and those are what I'm going to focus on in this review, since I think the good stuff speaks for itself.
The first problem is that the paragraphs are a bit too large - generally speaking, I'd recommend breaking a new paragraph every time someone speaks. In the case of this story, I think that would be all you need.
The second problem is with the story-within-the-story. The "Eternal King" is a bit confusing conceptually - how exactly did he cause death? Was he a draconian ruler? A warlord? If the entire kingdom hated him, how did he remain in power for so long? How did the queen "encourage life"? Was she a gardener, a healer, or did she have some sort of life-amplifying magical power? Inquiring minds want to know.
I feel like the main problem in the story-within-a-story is a glaring lack of plot. It reads more as a vague character study, and even if it's meant to be mythic, it should have a bit more structure. The character description should weave into the narrative the old man is weaving. I understand if this was somewhat intentional - the fellow is getting on in his years - but it's confusing for the person examining the story as a whole, which is a problem.
This isn't an irredeemable flaw in the story, though. Just come up with a bit more of a narrative for the Eternal King and your story-within-a-story will be spot-on.
This will be a bit more nit-picky, which actually speaks for the over quality of your writing - for the most part, I have to point out relatively small flaws, which means you've avoided larger blunders! Essentially, I'll reply directly to bits of the piece. Things directly lifted from the text will be in quotation marks, and my commentary will be everywhere else.
"They knew their parents wouldn’t approve, if they had any..." While this sentence does elicit an appropriate tug at the heartstrings, it's a bit awkward to read. I'd suggest that you read it aloud and change it to something that flows better.
"So the little girl sort of stumbling in as she won the race with her friend..." I'd suggest that you put "sort of stumbling" in commas. Again, it flows better that way.
"On red eyed white haired girl, and one scrawny dirty faced boy sat in front of him." You've misspelled "one," which is a fairly easy mistake to make. There should be a comma between "red eyed" and "white haired," and "dirty faced" would look (and flow) better if it was hyphenated.
"The three of them watched the smoke as if wafted up into the air, when it was barely visible the old man started his tale." You have a comma splice here, which you can either fix by adding a subordinating conjunction to the second clause or by replacing the comma with a period. Personally, I think that the second option would work better with the sentence in question, but it's your choice.
"“It’s wrong”, she whispered definite." I feel like "definite" is trying to work as an adjective here, which throws off the whole sentence. I'd suggest one of two things - changing it to an actual "-ly" adjective, or having the little girl do something else to demonstrate how set she is within her perception of the Eternal King.
" “It was cruel”, she thought..." The convention for thought-transcription is to keep them in italics, and all in all, you're better off doing that.
"she could not understand how a person could be hated and feared then forgotten by the very people he protected." This is in the same vein as my critique of the story-within-a-story, but I feel it needs to be pointed out. There's been no indication whatsoever that the Eternal King protected his people, and unless you're trying to convey that the girl has some sort of irrational loyalty to him, you're better off removing this line entirely or re-working the story-within-a-story to fit the image of the Eternal King as a harsh but benevolent ruler.
Beyond that, you've only got some minuscule grammatical defects that I'm fairly sure you can fix solo. As I said, this is an interesting concept for a story and I'd love to see what you do with it. I wish you luck.

Hi there! Here to represent Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy

First things first, the things I liked;

“The little girl didn’t bother with formalities; she knew she didn’t have too.” - I love this description. It's made me fall in love with the little girl already.

I think your dialogue is clear and effective – It just needs to be set out correctly.

And now onto constructive criticism;

“They knew their parents wouldn’t approve, if they had any, for going to see old man Mahoshi every day to hear a story.” - I think you could do some rearranging here. 'Even if they had any, they knew their parents wouldn't approve for going to see old Mahoshi every day to hear a story.'

“In a world of ruin, we had a king”; his voice was gruff and steady as he weaved the words of the tale that floated into their young ears.” - You needed to start a new line with this.

You need a new line with every new speaker.

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3

I like it. Some things I need to ask as a review though (get this out of the green room)

REVIEW TIME FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU FROM ME

At the end is it definite or defiant? Or a different word all together? If it is definite, I need to grab a dictionary. If it is defiant, then it should be,

"It's wrong", she whispered defiantly.

Or,

"It's wrong", she whispered, defiant.

The person before me already pointed out most of your mistakes so this is hard to do since you have fixed those mistakes.

The girl thinks awful deep for a little girl. That means that she's going to be unique when she gets older.

BTW in the beginning you said 'on red eyed white haired girl'

Should've been

'One red eyed, white haired girl'

REVIEW TIME OVER- COMMENT TIME!!!!

I wonder how that boy felt when he was polite and he didn't get anything back that was polite. I like it anyhow. I'll read your first chapter!

I just listed things as I saw them, and then put summary at the end.

The three of them watched the smoke as if wafted up into the air, when it was barely visible the old man started his tale.
The comma should either be a period or semicolon.

Puzzled by this newness in her eyes, he decided to end the story there. “But you didn’t finish, you always finish”, she pouted. She was right, he always finished. “Fine, I’ll leave you with this.” She smiled happily knowing once again she had gotten her way, and he wondered if she really was as innocent as she seemed.
This one example of you not spacing dialogue lines. Re-done correctly it looks like this.

Puzzled by this newness in her eyes, he decided to end the story there.

“But you didn’t finish, you always finish”, she pouted. She was right, he always finished.

“Fine, I’ll leave you with this.” She smiled happily knowing once again she had gotten her way, and he wondered if she really was as innocent as she seemed.

Doing that makes everything less jammed together, and it looks cleaner and better. I would go back and fix that with all your dialogue.

Taking her friends
Friends should be friend's.

One last thing. Several times you have a period or comma of a quotation AFTER the second pair of quotation marks. It should be inside. For instance"

“It’s wrong”,
You need to put the comma inside. Like this. "It's wrong,"


So, this so much much better than your first prologue. It is not full of tell, your detail is much clearer, and so it draws the reader in more. I believe this time I'll enjoy chapter 1 much more. Good job.
Keep it up!