PART I
I.THE KING
It was a normal day in the palace. It still sat atop the mountain foreboding and full of doom. Just like its owner who sat indifferent upon his throne. He sat with his legs crossed and his left arm holding his head, fingers filling the space between his eye and ear. Black was his signature color—his hair was black, his clothes, his leather boots and gloves. His skin on the other hand looked like soft porcelain, paler and whiter against his regalia. Now his eyes that was a different matter, they were the only essence of color on his entire being! Not even his veins were visible with all his pale skin, but his eyes. They were the very sky itself. The deep blue entranced you, pulled you in to the blackness underneath like a flower may trap a fly. He was beautiful, there was no doubt, but his eyes made that beauty a mystery.
Out of all the eyes on him that day in the throne room. Out of the hundred guards that lined the walls, only one was female. And she so longed for those eyes to look at her and only her. Why, no one knew. How, she couldn’t fathom, but she wished. He was her king; she had sworn her loyalty, her life and now her love. “But he doesn’t love me”, she thought eyes cast down. Yes, that was the bitter truth. He loved no one, or so she thought. She could have lived with the fact that she’d never receive his love if only for the constant fact that no one else would either. But then she came, the little brat that filled her heart with envy and eyes with hate.
Yes, there she was now. The small fragile girl with wispy white hair and eyes the very color blood. She ran up to him smiling with a flower in her hand and held it out for him alone. He did not take it, not yet. But his eyes gleamed with life and adoration for the very purity that stood before him. He took his free hand and ruffled her hair; she closed her eyes and giggled with the warmth of his hand so much bigger than her head. “If only he’d crush it”, thought the woman gritting her teeth. “If only that was her head underneath his hand.” Why did she torment herself with this continuing ritual every single day? Why didn’t she just turn her back on it all? “No”, she thought definite still clinging to false hope. “There might be a chance I just have to wait”. Turning her attention back to the king she watched as thin lips formed a small smile, that though foreign on his face accented his entire being to be even more handsome. “Why won’t he smile for me?” she thought once again watching his every movement as thought they were just as slow and steady as she saw them. He took the flower from the little girl’s hands, it was a sweet little daisy, and then put it on her left ear. The woman, he noticed gripped her staff tighter but his gaze as he glanced at her returned to being indifferent.
There was only one thing he worried about. If she hurt her, the child which he so loved, he’d kill her in the cruelest most agonizing way possible. That was the bitter truth, they all knew. He would protect the first thing he ever loved. He could protect, and he would. She was unknown to the world and ignorant of the darkness surrounding him, kept at bay only by the distractions of his conquering of the world. He wouldn’t let them out, wouldn’t taint her with his already bloodied past. To do that, he kept his distance and so rarely saw her that these times were even more special to him.
Around them the guards stood, peering from beneath their helmets. They were all loyal to the king, and protected his throne. None of them held any ill will against him, and how could they? They were the people who fully agreed with what he was doing; there numbers had risen over time as the kingdom expanded. Some had been there only a few months, and others centuries. Not a single spy was within them. The head of the guards, an old man by the name of Rayleigh stood at attention by the king’s right. He knew stuff about the king that even his closest companion didn’t know. His main belief was that there were some things that needed to be done. But even he couldn’t agree with the catastrophe that had befallen them.
It happened during the night. The king had felt that something was wrong, so he didn’t bother sleeping. He had tripled the guards on the girl’s room, even considered moving her. If there was an ambush they would only be after him, no one outside the palace knew of the child’s existence. He was right to be worried; he never let his guard down. But he never expected for something like this to happen. For there to be an ambush in his palace, it had to be an inside job. Yet he couldn’t fathom any of the guards or staff betraying him. What he didn’t consider was that it would be one of the few people he actually trusted.
The only female guard was Liv. Her main task was to protect the child; she was the closest to her. So that meant it would be easy to get rid of her, the child slept silently, unaware of the impending danger on her life. Liv watched as her chest rose and fell in her slow, quiet breathing. It's an amazing with all the time she had, that she didn’t have a single second thought. Somewhere, some small part of her heart; could have stopped her. But her mind was clouded with jealousy and envy, so any other thoughts were unwelcome.
She stood towering over the child, her eyes mad. “I’ll kill her”, she thought “with my own hands, I’ll end it.” There was no need for a knife, she had been trained in a special art which entitled her to turn any part of her body to be like steel. As she was about to plunge her arm down the little girl’s eyes popped open and she smiled innocently. “Hi Liv”, she said sweetly. In her mind she thoughts, that this was the time for second thoughts. But none came so she plunged her hand down and the little girl still smiling, died.
Of course by this time, the raid was already in full swing. Left and right there were men fighting, and the maids cowered in the rooms, hitting anyone not dressed in uniform or sleep wear. The cooks in the kitchen were vexed when the fight spilled into their domain and threatened those who came near with a large butcher knife or frying pan. Most of the butlers were looking for the king as were some of the soldiers, especially Cage, but the rest joined the fight. The king on his own had avoided the commotion all together and stayed in the shadows waiting for the leader to find him. While he did so he had ignored every cry, rant, or blow that went his way, dodging most of them. He went to check on the girl, the guards were stationed and ready at her door still. Nothing seemed wrong, so he went in and felt a gust of wind blow towards him. The window was open and the curtain flapping, but that was not what he saw. His face blank, he walked swiftly over to the child. Her eyes were open and staring expectantly up at nothing, and a smile was permanently on her lips.
What was he supposed to do?
He closed her eyes. Before he left, he went to the window and shut it. There was no point in looking out, the killer hadn’t left. His eyes were hazed when he left the room and the guards had backed away, frightened. The king walked silently into the throne room, his gloves were off and his bare hands were pale and thin. He had walked into the center of the chaos; his ears were deaf and his eyes unseeing. A man, probably the rebel leader had run straight at him with a sword ready to attack. In one instant the sword had fallen and the clang of it rung loud through the room and everyone paused. His hand was around his neck, his slender finger wrapped around his neck. They all watched as the king killed him. The leader’s face was contorted with pain as he was suspended in the air hand on the king arm trying to get free. “Who”, the king mumbled “Who let you in?” His gaze turned on the man he was holding, eyes still glazed. The leader only croaked in an attempt to breath, since he had gotten no answer the king tightened his grip. “A”, croaked the man “A woman”. With that the king grinned “Thank you”; he said his grip tightening more. All the air left the young man’s lungs and the king dropped him.
After that, the king went mad. His usual calmness lost, he did not restrain himself like he usually did. He attacked everyone, friend or foe. None of the guards tried to restrain him, not even Rayleigh. There was too much of a risk that he’d kill them. The scent of blood filled the air, screams of pain the silence, everyone who could ran those who didn’t had a few limbs ripped off. Throughout all that Liz stood paralyzed with fear in the doorway. She had only just arrived, after coming from her hiding place in the girl’s wardrobe. She needed a while to compose herself after watching the king’s reaction. He had cried, tears streaming his cheeks as he held the girl, hands bare. It was stupid, she had thought, that he could still only see her even after she had died. He didn’t make a sound while he cried; blood had stained his hands red. She was cold, lifeless, yet he stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. Liv had gritted her teeth through it all.
Now she watched the king again, moving swift and silent, more blood staining his hands. Then his blue eyes spotted her, standing in the open doorway. In the blink of an eye he stood by her. He did not kill as swiftly as he did the rest. No, he took his time and let her suffer, as if she hadn’t suffered enough. Even she had killed the child fast, the pain had ended quickly, but hers dragged on. Liv cried, she did not plead, or beg for forgiveness. Just let the tears fall silently and let the world black out.
Almost a month had passed since the raid and the king called an announcement that would be heard by the entire world. He stood in his normal regalia of black, on the balcony of the second palace floor. The large crowd stared up at him, and even more eyes around the world stared at his image of a screen. He was their king, they were his people. It wasn’t a bad world he had made, the poor liked him, except for those nobles who defied him. The now lost rebel army had been made up of former royals he kept alive, penniless nobles, greedy men, and the nobles who still had their money. Even though half the world hated him and the whole feared him, they were all still watching as he spoke. The wind blew hard that day, and if not for the speakers no one would have heard him. “I’m leaving”, he said simply and a loud gasp struck through the crowd. Cage was the most shocked and saddened by this, he couldn’t serve the king if he wasn’t there. Rayleigh who was standing beside him, was the least shocked. After all he had expected it. There was no point in fighting if you had nothing to protect, and he understood that the king had lost the one person he wanted to protect the most.
The king clad in black, turned his back on the world. He walked away from his palace, cloak billowing in the wind. He never looked back, not for the shadows that followed his every step and not for Cage who came running behind him eager to follow him anywhere. “Goodbye”, he whispered solemnly, not to the kingdom, but to her. But of course in the stories to be told in the future his words were changed. Instead of the one word he said four. “Death to you all” and there was death, because at his leaving the world fell into chaos once more.
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Hi! This is my first review, so I'm a bit nervous, especially since I take such care to avoid saying things that might on the smallest chance be construed as offensive in some way, so please be aware this is all meant to be constructive criticism. You know, just to make me feel better as much as to reassure you, haha.


Anyway, to start with, I'll mention how much I liked this chapter. A reader gets the impression they're reading a medieval tome detailing the history of this world that had once been peaceful under the reign of this apathetic king and, with his leaving, is now being tossed into poverty again. It's especially sad to read how this came about, to see how the petty jealousy of one person can lead to the ruin of a whole world.
Now, for some of your mistakes (and remember, a lot of this is subjective, so take what you will from it. But don't worry, a list of things I especially liked will follow, so you can look forward to that!):
(1) The first thing I noticed, I think, is that I had some difficulty following the point-of-view switches. I might be the only one thinking this, as I haven't seen this mentioned in another review, but in one scene, Liv (good name, by the way) is in the throne-room, stewing in jealousy as she watches the girl and the king bond over the flower.
"He took the flower from the little girl???s hands, it was a sweet little daisy, and then put it on her left ear. The woman, he noticed gripped her staff tighter but his gaze as he glanced at her returned to being indifferent."
And that's all in the same sentence. But in the next paragraph, it is from the king's point of view. So perhaps that was meant to be in the next paragraph and it ended up on the tail end of the first one, I don't know, but it's just something I thought I should point out.
(2) Continuing on with switches, the last sentence before you talk about the ambush, they're all still standing in the throne room and Rayleigh is thinking, "But even he couldn???t agree with the catastrophe that had befallen them." Which would imply that it had already happened... despite the fact the girl had just handed the king a flower. Do you see what I mean? Again, I'm sorry if I'm reading too much into this, but yeah, just thought it should get a mention.
(3) Quotation marks. Now, this has definitely been mentioned in previous reviews so feel free to skip this one, but I've noticed you have a tendency to put commas outside your quotation marks (though not so much with full stops... O.o) So yeah, is there a story to that? I know that, being a young writer myself, you pick up some bad habits and you get into the groove of writing a certain way that you probably shouldn't, so I don't blame you, but yeah. (That is probably such a horrible way to end a sentence, 'but yeah'... see? Habits. We've all got 'em, heh.)
Anyway, apart from a few other little grammar mistakes that have already been pointed out by other reviewers, those were really my main concerns. Now onto the good stuff!
(1) Motivations. The thought that Liv was willing to risk everything for the king -- to satisfy her petty jealousy, basically -- really made me stop and take notice, especially when you see the depths she was willing to sink into to accomplish it. Killing children? Especially THAT child? Her love -- nay, obsession -- with this man made her so blind as to not only allow a horde of their enemies into the castle, but kill the only thing the king had ever loved, which, if she'd been thinking straight, she would have realised would not have got her very far with the king at all. Unless her plan was to die gruesomely and painfully at his hand, which, just quietly, I'm guessing it wasn't.
(2) The king. To be honest, I'm kind of fascinated with him. Such an indifferent leader has somehow come to win the respect and affections of his guards, and it clearly wasn't with his witty and charming personality. If what the prologue says is true and he's hated by his people, him and his guards are like this little Club of Evil in the palace on the hill, and ironically, the one thing they strive to protect more than any other is the symbol for innocence and purity -- the only thing their king has ever loved -- a little girl. So yeah, interested to see how this continues down the line.
(3) The story itself! It's a good premise, and I'm excited to see what happens with it.
And so ends my review. To be honest, could have done with some more detailed descriptions of appearances, like Liv's and Rayleigh's, but considering those will probably come with time ('Patience, grasshopper,' I tell myself) all in all I have to say it was a good start to what promises to be a good story. Keep up the hard work, and don't stop writing!
-- Chookster.
I will. I already had the second chapter but aftet changing the first I need to change tat too. Plus everything was on my late T-T laptop. But I haven't forgotten what's supposed to happen. It makes a lot less sense then ch. One but chp. Three makes a lot more.
Now that I've totally ruined the comments/reviews section of your story (Sorrysorrysorrysorry!) I'll just discreetly edit this so it's not as obtrusive... <_< Nothing to see here, people. Don't mind me. *innocently rolls eyes to ceiling*
I'll go through in order like the prologue.
It was a normal day in the palace. It still sat atop the mountain foreboding and full of doom. Just like its owner who sat indifferent upon his throne.
This is a great first sentence. In it you already explain where the palace is, and what the king is like.
Now his eyes that was a different matter, they were the only essence of color on his entire being!
I would either put a semicolon where you have your comma, or a period.
Out of all the eyes on him that day in the throne room.
This is an incomplete sentence. I believe you missed a word in it.
“If only he’d crush it”,
Here you have your comma outside the quotation marks. also, since this is a thought, I would change it to bold lettering or italic, but don't put the quotation marks.
thought definite still clinging to false hope.
I don't understand that sentence.
He knew stuff about the king that even his closest companion didn’t know.
Change the word stuff to the word things. Stuff doesn't right in a book.
that meant it would be easy to get rid of her, the child slept silently,
Once again I would switch the first comma to a period or semicolon.
There some misspellings and some other small errors. I think you could chop this chapter into 2, and make more of a focus on Cage. If he is to follow the king, let us see what he thinks. Also, the night was a little sudden. It took me some time to figure what was happening. I would put a few extra empty lines in between the end of scenes. Overall it was much clearer than your first try, and it made much more sense.
Keep it up!
Thanks I've fixed the mistakes and yes I 'll add Cage in more. He shows up a bit more in the second chapter but the rest I'm not sure of yet.
I really love the story you have here. However, I got very confused. I think you need to be a bit more specific with your pronouns. The most prominent example is, "His hand was around his neck, his slender finger wrapped around his neck." I have no clue what's going on. There are two people here, but you refer to them both as "him." This becomes very confusing. Also, I'm going to assume the little girl is the King's daughter. But how can he have a daughter if he never had a wife? Otherwise, I thought this was great, and I look forward to the next chapter!
Sorry about that, it;s just that I haven't named the king yet. If you have any suggestions I'm all ears. And the little girl is not his daughter, she's just some girl he found once. I'll dive further into that a little bit more into the story. Thanks for the review and did you read the prologue?
Ah. I see. No, I haven 't read the prologue, I didn't know there was one. I'll go read it right now! (Suggestion for the kings name: Aldric, meaning old ruler.)