z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Corrupted Courage Chapter 1

by Vita


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

It was 10:00 at night on a rainy Sunday in April. Novus city was a garden of lights and reflections. The water-slicked streets were like an oil spill, shining with colors borrowed from flashing billboards and car headlights. The tops of skyscrapers were buried in the low clouds like swords in the underbelly of a giant beast.

On the wet sidewalks, people were hurrying home from work. Draped like ghosts in plastic rain slickers, they dodged and weaved across the pavement, a hundred people with a hundred destinations, each single-mindedly fording the river of humanity that made up the jugular vein of this city of ten million.

Litter and wet leaves were kicked into the gutter, sodden cigarette butts were trodden underfoot. People shouted and cursed, cars rushed by, and the light rail roared and hissed on it’s elevated tracks, like a serpent weaving its way through a jungle of concrete. The cacophony of the city was indistinguishable from the thunder of the storm. Creation imitating nature.

It was beautiful, from a distance, in the way an atom bomb is beautiful if you’re far enough away. Ten million people, together but so separate, and each one as chaotic on the inside as their surroundings. Irreducible complexity.

The roof of the skyscraper was brightly lit in cotton-candy colors, an advertisement mounted on a billboard behind me selling soda with incandescent sex. A half-naked woman cradled a can of carbonated chemicals, seducing the entire city with her eyes. She popped the tab and took a sip over and over again, the same mysterious smile on a loop.

I watched the advertisement repeat itself a few times before turning my attention to the city. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’m any different from the girl on the billboard.

Sure, I called myself a hero, but everyone knows the age of great superheroes swooping in and saving the day are over. I was nothing more than a glorified mascot, a symbol meant to “encourage civic pride” a coded way of saying “keep the current administration in office at all costs.”

The ridiculous costume I wore was a constant reminder of that. A sleeveless bodysuit with a high neck and a cutout back, the synthetic material clung to every curve, giving me a hell of a wedgie in the process. Mesh paneling in the legs allowed cold rain to slide down into my impractically high-heeled boots. To top it off, the whole getup was made up of garish purple and white paneling, conveniently matching the mayor’s re-election campaign colors.

I pulled my canary yellow mask up over my mouth and nose, and shook out my mane of sand-colored curls. For the hundredth time, I wished for a hair elastic.

The yellow M in the middle of my chest was made of reflective fabric. M for Moxie. It was the only thing about my ensemble I liked. No matter what else, my sponsors had at least let me pick my own code name.

I looked out at the city, and practiced my speech in a whisper, the raucous sounds of the city drowning out my words.

“Justice, truth, and valor, for the protection of the good and upstanding people of this city.”

It was a good speech, or so I had been told. The mayor had put his best speechwriter on the job.

“All you have to do is make it convincing,” he’d said as he slid the sheaf of papers across the desk.

Behind me, the woman on the billboard took a sip of her soda for the umpteenth time.

My earpiece crackled to life. It was the mayor’s greasy-haired assistant, Bates.

“Moxie, this is Delta Base. Do you copy?”

“Copy. I’m in position,” I replied. Short and to the point. I wanted to get this over with as fast as possible.

My earpiece popped with static. “Excellent, Moxie. They’re coming this way. Are you ready to engage?”

“I’m ready. Let’s do this.”

“Okay then, remember the plan. Take care of the problem, look good, and make sure there’s lot’s of witnesses.”

“I know,” I replied, frustrated, “you’ve told me a thousand times.”

He ignored me, and went on explaining what I already knew. “Don’t jump until you here the sirens. The news crew won’t be far behind.”

“I know.”

I could see them, in the distance. An armored car, hurtling down the avenue with it’s back doors swinging open. Gunfire sparked in its wake.

Police cars were in pursuit but they were too far behind, a block, no, two blocks away. Their wailing sirens sounded thin and reedy in the distance. They’d never catch up. I drew my knives and gripped them so hard my fists shook.

Bates on the earpiece again, “If this goes well, Moxie, we can discuss payment options.”

“Good.” This had to go well.

As though he’d read my mind, Bates continued, “I understand you’re in quite a desperate situation.”

Shut the fuck up, I thought but didn’t say. “Is it time yet?” I asked instead.

“Almost. And Maisie?”

Using my real name was never a good sign. “Yes?”

“Don’t mess this up,” his tone was it’s own threat. “The mayor has a lot riding on this.”

Through gritted teeth I replied. “So. Do. I.”

And with that, I jumped off the roof into the night.

Behind me, my fellow advertisement sipped her soda and smiled after me.


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62 Reviews


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Mon Sep 21, 2020 3:35 pm
RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hello @Vita, RadDog here! I know I'm late to review this but I saw chapter 10 in the green room and couldn't resist. Onto the review! This is a great first chapter. Its giving me Umbrella Academy vibes (The whole not so perfect super hero thing) and I like it. Its a really captivating chapter. The only thing I would change is to try to add some more connections to the main character. We want to know what she's like in the first chater, to start forming that bond with the character. Anyways, that's all from me! Until next time, happy writing!




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Sat Jul 04, 2020 3:12 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

Hi! I'm choosing your book as the next target to review. Since you have only eight chapters Imma try to finish this off today itself. Let's get started.

First Impression: Pretty good opening right there. On first glance it sounds like a pretty interesting concept.

Anyway let us get to it,

It was 10:00 at night on a rainy Sunday in April. Novus city was a garden of lights and reflections. The water-slicked streets were like an oil spill, shining with colors borrowed from flashing billboards and car headlights. The tops of skyscrapers were buried in the low clouds like swords in the underbelly of a giant beast.

On the wet sidewalks, people were hurrying home from work. Draped like ghosts in plastic rain slickers, they dodged and weaved across the pavement, a hundred people with a hundred destinations, each single-mindedly fording the river of humanity that made up the jugular vein of this city of ten million.

Litter and wet leaves were kicked into the gutter, sodden cigarette butts were trodden underfoot. People shouted and cursed, cars rushed by, and the light rail roared and hissed on it’s elevated tracks, like a serpent weaving its way through a jungle of concrete. The cacophony of the city was indistinguishable from the thunder of the storm. Creation imitating nature.


First of all that is a beautiful establishing shot right there. Sets the scene really well there.

Sure, I called myself a hero, but everyone knows the age of great superheroes swooping in and saving the day are over. I was nothing more than a glorified mascot, a symbol meant to “encourage civic pride” a coded way of saying “keep the current administration in office at all costs.”


Now this a really interesting premise right here. This alone makes me want to keep reading so that's great right there.

My earpiece crackled to life. It was the mayor’s greasy-haired assistant, Bates.


Wait a minute. The assistant is running this operation. Should the assistant be busy you know assisting? Seems like this would be someone else's job.

Bates on the earpiece again, “If this goes well, Moxie, we can discuss payment options.”

“Good.” This had to go well.

As though he’d read my mind, Bates continued, “I understand you’re in quite a desperate situation.”


Discussions that probably should have happened at an earlier time than right before jumping down into the operation.

And with that, I jumped off the roof into the night.

Behind me, my fellow advertisement sipped her soda and smiled after me.


Lovely ending right there.

And that's it.

Overall: I love the way you established the setting although telling us a bit more about the location of this armored car would have been appreciated. We get a good sense of Maisie's personality which is great. And you managed to keep the information to a minimum which is always a great idea in the first chapter. And it overall sounds like it'll be a really interesting story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Jun 06, 2020 12:52 am
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WaterSpout wrote a review...



First off, wow. The descriptions...
But before I say any more, I'm WaterSpout, here for a review. Well, I'll sort of review, but I wrote this because this is perfect. How you use imagery to describe the setting, the people, keep it like that. Well I saw you posted a new chapter, so I came back to the first one. Let me tell you, it wasn't a mistake. I won't say any typos or mispelling because the other reviews already beat me to it. So I'll conclude with saying good job. I can tell there's a whole backstory to this, so hopefully you already wrote it in some other chapter. I'll get to them.

With caution,

WaterSpout




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Sat Apr 18, 2020 3:32 pm
Tawsif wrote a review...



Okay, my first reaction after reading this: WHY THE HECK DIDN'T I READ THIS BEFORE, MAN?

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of action/drama/adventure genre. That's why I didn't even look into your novel. But I had nothing to review lately, so I checked your novel. And god, didn't it feel good to read!

Let's get into the review then.

I love the opening. The imagery you used was very realistic and at the same time described with a lot of depth. Particularly this line: 'The cacophony of the city was indistinguishable from the thunder of the storm. Creation imitating nature.' It fascinated me. Well done!

"It was beautiful, from a distance, in the way an atom bomb is beautiful if you’re far enough away. Ten million people, together but so separate, and each one as chaotic on the inside as their surroundings. Irreducible complexity."

Another para that gives a profound message. Fantastic work!

"The roof of the skyscraper was brightly lit in cotton-candy colors, an advertisement behind me selling soda with incandescent sex."

Incandescent sex? I understand you're trying to mean, but maybe a better wording will make it more interesting. And by the way, where did the advertisement come from in the skyscraper? You need a little elaboration, a little more description here.

I have to say, the costume seemed very HOT to me!

'On the wet sidewalks, People were hurrying...'

Here's a little typo. You didn't need to capitalize the 'p' in 'people'.

“I copy, I’m in position,” I replied.

Why not write this: "Copy. In position." Reads fancier, doesn't it? Like a movie? (This is a personal thought)

I like the way you ended with that seducing ad-woman. Perfect ending.

You've got my attention, Vita. I'm surely going to read and review the next chapters.

KEEP WRITING!




Vita says...


Thanks so much for the feedback!



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Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:50 pm
GlasweJane wrote a review...



Hi there!

First of all, I love how you take the opportunity to describe as much as possible within you writing. It helps to create a clear image of your story in a way that allows you to take control of how you want your characters and setting to be portrayed, and you've done an excellent job of this so far.

I enjoyed the first-person perspective of the story and how the character describes her situation, particularly her comparing herself to the billboard advertisement. I can't wait to hear more of this character's thoughts and perhaps take a delve into her own personal situation more.

Now, onto chapter two! A great start and I can't wait to read more :)




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Tue Apr 14, 2020 7:39 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey there!
Interesting first chapter. The description about the city life and the people was nice. Especially the chaos and hectic scene in the city, it was quite relatable. The MC seems to be interesting. I wonder does she got some real super powers or not. She seemed to be a bit in a doubt with herself. She didn't sound confident at all. The way that assistant was talking to her was really rude but still she tolerated him. I was quite intrigued with what was actually happening.
She referred herself to be just a glorified mascot and not a real hero. Waiting for the right moment to jump in when the mayor comes and media is present sounds all staged up.
There's a lot to be revealed in the story ahead. I will look forward to read more of your chapters. Great work with this one.
Keep writing :)




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Sun Apr 12, 2020 7:30 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hello Vita!

My first impression of this chapter is that you use lots of pretty and intriguing imagery. It does set the scene lovelily at the beginning, however, it dwindles as the chapter progresses and becomes almost nonexistent by the end. I would recommend spreading it out a bit more, so that it's more even throughout the chapter. That being said, the imagery you have is gorgeous and really lays a nice backdrop.

Content-wise, I would say you give just enough information to make the reader interested but leave them curious enough to come back. In other words, you gave the reader just the right amount of information. Good job!

Lastly, in the spoiler below are a few grammar and spelling errors.

Spoiler! :

On the wet sidewalks, People were hurrying home from work.
"People" should not be capitalized.

People shouted and cursed, cars rushed by, the light rail roared and hissed on it’s elevated tracks, like a serpent weaving its way through a jungle of concrete.
After "by," and before "the", you should have an "and".
"It's" should be "its" (without an apostrophe).

It was beautiful, from a distance, in the way an atom bomb is beautiful if you’re far enough away.
I think you mean "atomic bomb"?

He ignored me, and went on explaining what I already knew. “Don’t jump until you here the sirens. The news crew won’t be far behind.”
"Here" should be "hear".


Overall, this was a very well-written chapter! Keep up the good work!

That's it for my review, hopefully it was helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Keep writing!

Whatchamacallit

Edit:
I would probably change the content rating to 18+ since there's an f-bomb in this chapter.




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Sun Apr 12, 2020 3:02 pm
shima wrote a review...



Love your descriptions, especially as someone who also usually indulges in extremely long-winded and sometimes even frustrating descriptions of, well, everything. Especially cities, god, I love myself some good city descriptions.
And yeah, this is amazing when it comes down to that. For the rest - well, right now you seem to have a lot of ingredients in place to make it a good deconstruction of the superhero genre, especially because you use an actual superhero (something not everyone is doing, mind you) as the pov character, which is incredible and really, really original. Looking forward to reading more from you, really want to see where this leads us to further.




Vita says...


Thanks so much for your review!



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Sat Apr 11, 2020 9:01 pm
Draculus wrote a review...



I've never been able to construct good descriptions, those that are to be really interesting, you know, those you don't get tired of when reading. Usually I don't have many descriptions at all, for all the same reason - I'm not good at them. So I always try to use a moment and find myself someone to learn from. And the author of this chapter is now in the list, too.
That was what I saw first - the description, quite complicatedly built, but yet clear and interesting, especially if you imagine a picture in your head. The author gives me quite a vivid picture which I like very much. The city where the story begins is promising big things. Adventures, I reckon. The main hero seems to be an outcast of some kind, which means he (or she? I'm a bit confused at this point) will stand out and bring us something interesting. The beginning is really good and intriguing, so I'm waiting for the next chapter!

Sincerely yours,
Drak.




Vita says...


thanks so much for your critique! The main character is female, as she has a girl's name. Hopefully that will become increasingly clear in later chapters.



Draculus says...


God, I'm not as good with names as I used to think I am, forgive me for this misunderstanding)



Vita says...


Totally fine :)




You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
— Squidward Tentacles