Author's Note: So this is something newer for me since it includes a narrative as well as a stronger focus on structure this time around. I have a question for all reviewers for the ending: Do you think it works better with yours/mine/ours for the last word of the poem, since I spent awhile debating and thinking on that, though I eventually decided on 'yours'. If you gave me an opinion on that, it would help a lot. Thanks!
flickering lights of summer cry after the storm.
The first line happens to come from the Poetic Line Generator so I went ahead and went off that for the poem, which is just a side note.
-----
flickering lights of summer cry after the storm.
as lightning strikes, the clocks reset.
the numbers on the microwave flash repeatedly
until i no longer know what time it is.
i took to the bathroom cabinet,
seeking out all the candles i could find.
the flames danced as i lit them, failed attempts
gather in a mound of matches on the floorboards.
and to think a single breath could silence them all.
i lit them like i lit your cigarette.
you sat outside on the doorstep,
exhaling anxiety from your paper-bag lungs.
i figured that's how you'd go out, brother,
with a cigarette in your mouth.
the thunder still could not compare
to mother's voice telling you to come inside.
i sat in the corner, the one farthest from the windows,
and listened to the rain drum against the tin roof,
brittle as your bones.
i wasn't thinking of how, slowly,
the food in the refrigerator was melting. no.
as veins of lightning struck through the sky,
i wondered what would become of yours.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Okay so I will do my best to provide a review.
I myself will dabble in free-verse from time to time and think it can be pulled off beautifully however I am less useful at critiquing it than rhyming poetry on account I naturally have a mind for patterns and the more subtle those patterns are the less I have to go on.
Anyways here is my best attempt.
I always capitalize in poetry. I know it can be done without but I would say if you are going to punctuate then capitalize, that's just me.
I love the imagery in lines two and three.
End of line four in the second stanza you use 'floorboards'. While technically any board making up a floor could be called such it is a term almost always used to describe the floor of a vehicle, at least where I hail from, something to keep in mind.
I really like the word play in stanzas three and four with "i figured that's how you'd go out, brother, with a cigarette in your mouth." followed immediately by "the thunder still could not compare to mother's voice telling you to come inside." Now I assume the "You'd go out" is referring to death and the "Come inside" is referring literally to coming inside the house, nevertheless they play off each other well.
Final stanza: I suppose I am nitpicking but to 'melt' something must be frozen and if something is frozen it is in the freezer not the fridge. I know, I know, it just stuck out to me.
I think I would go "ours" for the last word.
Great poem, fun to read, truly enjoyed myself. Hope this helped.
Heya, Ats! Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
I really like the first lines here. It really gives of a sad/depressing tone to it, and I think it works well. I also find the next lines do work well with the first, so props for that. Nothing to critique here.
After reading an rereading I find that this seems more like prose than poetry. And I know that you are using a narrative in this, but it doesn't seem poetic to me at all, but more like a boring part of a blackout in a book or short story, if that makes any sense. I would say just play around with actions and such, if you're going to continue with your narration. You lose any kind of emotional attachment here, and that was a bit of a let down. Anyway, onward.
I like these lines for what they are- telling the story. I really didn't feel anything whilst reading this, but emotion isn't the only thing that makes up poetry. These are some good lines, but I don't gather anything poetic from them. Onward.
I really enjoyed these lines, so props for that. Nothing to critique here that I haven't mentioned previously.
To answer your authors note I feel like yours is the better choice her, and I find these lines to be the best out of the entire poem. They have images and the most emotion to them, so props for that.
Overall I think you have a good poem idea that could use a bit of work and tweaking, but the overall idea of it is sound. That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Hey! Kazey here for my thoughts on this poem.
So, I quite liked this poem. It's message was quite dark (which I always enjoy (that's quite sick now that I think of it)) so to me that made the narrator's voice even stronger. I could really picture from this poem the type of person the narrator is. I sort of imagined her as a dark, brooding type who always has her nose in a notepad, so yeah, the narrative was really strong to me. I'm going to try and do this on a stanza by stanza basis, which isn't something I do very often, so please bear with me.
I don't know if this was at all what you meant, but I took the "storm" to mean an emotional storm, perhaps a conflict between the family, which causes the narrator to become dizzied to the outside world, believing that her emotions are influencing everyday objects such as the microwave. That's probably not what you meant at all, but I liked it all the while.
So here, I imagined this to mean that the narrator was trying to self-harm, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. All of her attempts were these matches, these "failed attempts". A single breath, or single saying could end all her pain, could silence her depression.
This is the first (and only) stanza i have a problem with. It just sounds cliché to me, the whole dying with a cigarette and paper-bag lungs thing. it's been used so many times that it just feels stale. There are many other metaphors you could use that are less cliché, so I'd suggest replacing that. Other than that, I like the sentiment of the stanza, that the narrator admires her brother for being able to get rid of his anxiety in such a simple way.
Here the narrator is realising she has very little in life apart from her brother, but he has "brittle bones". She's scared she's going to lose him, but at the same time envious that he will soon escape his misery.
This shows that the narrator isn't bothered with menial things in her life, and so adds to the narrator's voice as one that is quite philosophical. I like that. Personally (although, as I said, my interpretation is probably far from what you thought) I think to fit with my interpretation the word "mine" would work better than "yours"
All in all, a very solid poem and I hope to read more in the near future!
~Kazey
I wanted to point out that this isn't a metaphorical storm, and rather it is literal. That's something that I thought I had made clear in the poem with the candles being lit, the clocks resetting, the rain pattering against the tin roof. The thought of the matches is that a single breath can blow out so many fires at once and I was kind of referring to how a single storm could or hurt so many people, but your interpretation is valid as well. I'll probably be able to provide with a more detailed reply once I have the time.
Fair enough. You probably have made it clear, I just tend to over-analyse and over-interpret things when I'm prepping for an English exam, as you can probably tell.