i wish that i could treat myself
as if i was somebody else;
gently, and not so judging.
with hands that touch
like they're molding clay. i just wish
that my hands didn't stain
when i touched you.
sin like sweat
that i keep trying to wipe off
onto ragged jeans, but the feeling
never leaves. fingers wet with water,
i seal all of the spots in your skin
that are starting to crack.
you taught me how to
slip and score your limbs
back together.
will you still love me
when my handles are broken?
i pick back up
where i left off, a dog-eared page
or a rose turned into a bookmark
after being flattened by time.
i left you spinning on a potter's wheel
where you spin and spin,
forming gentle curves. and maybe then
i can be your cup of tea.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
The name immediately caught my attention as creative, quirky and original. Dare I say...cute? I loved how you used the words to put together a very homey and comfortable atmosphere for the reader. It made me feel all warm inside as well as a little homesick for my childhood past. It reminded me also of when I first met the man I love. I was having my own tempest and everything I was, was cracked and broken. I loved how you reminded me of how gentle he was as he put me back together. And soon after, he became my "cup of tea". You did wonderful, dear. Keep up the good work
Hey, Nikayla! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review
First, this was great. However, I didn't really connect to it. I felt that the end and the beginning failed to match each other and were not exactly relevant. I loved how you started the poem out with some form of angst and made the person seem as though they were suffering self-hatred. It was a beautifully dark notion and I think it really showed the extent of the person's emotions but then the end seemed a little forced. There was no connection to the person at the start and I think the setting really didn't fit well within the poem.
You wrote "I pick back up" but, as far as I can see, there has been no downfall for this person, other than their anxious thoughts. I think that line should be replaced with something else, maybe "I push it to the back of my mind", or something that follows that kind of meaning. Rather than re-beginning something, she needs to overcome her emotions.
Overall, I just thought that there was far too much detail (which is why I stayed away from the middle section, to make this a quick review) and it was over-flowing a little. It needs better structure and reigning of its detail.
Also, you have not capitalised where you have used "I" in multiple lines, it may have been intentional. I'm not sure. If it is, however, I would suggest capitalising them. It was unnecessary to not capitalise them. Other than that, I loved the piece. It had a great story behind it, but I think the message would have gotten across better if the work had been properly structured.
Good work and Keep Writing! <3
- ScytheMeister
Thanks for the review! The lack of capitalization was intentional, as you saw that I didn't capitalize anything in the poem. I don't know what you mean by it needing more of a structure, and I would have liked if you elaborated more on that. I do agree that the ending and the beginning were quite different, and that was because I kind of rushed the ending out a little bit and I plan to go through and revise this poem since it was on it's earlier drafts and needed more opinions on it.
I really liked this good job. I really felt it and it moved. On the other hand I'm not sure if I understand how I can be your tea cup ties with it, and I think both beginning and ending are good but don't exactly flow with each other. Maybe a little editing? I'm sure you'll do great. On a positive end, I hope to see more by you, and just remember good job.