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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Heya, Kaos! Casanova here to do another review!
Anyway, this one will be short. I promised a review, and I'm sad to say I really don't have anything to critique in this poem.
Your style is different, but that just adds to the wonder of the poem. It fits well with your selected imagery here, and I feel like that too is impeccable. Then again, I expect nothing less from you.
Your overall portrayal of the poem went off without a hitch, but I'm not getting the shape of it. That's the one thing that doesn't make sense to me, even after reading the poem, but I could just be missing something.
Anyway, overall I didn't have any issues other than the shape. (Take the screen shot here)
This was a really good poem that basically left me dumbfounded by its ending. It's a real step up from a lot of your previous poems, and I feel like the style was a bit unnatural for you but you pushed it to it's potential and did a really good job in doing so. I hope to see your continued improvement, even if it means I can't review you any farther.
That's all I have to say about this one.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
First, reading material for the day: Navel-gazing
Repeated instances of 'stomach' or others need to be shaken up. You can fix it with no problem (ties back into dynamic phrasing from months ago.)
The motion in stanzas 2-3 give me dizziness, so it's a good job with the movement senses. I get the whole deal with holding oneself together and being eaten alive from within on multiple levels--trust--and it works well here, but I think the exposition of the physical characteristics would be better displayed through second person? It's worth an experiment as I'm doing it in my head during the review process. It's working, I feel?? Try it yourself and taste and see.
And the contrast between the dreams leaving your reality foggy and the dreams making your reality too (bloody and) real is nicely done, though the space between them is full of lines that remind me of poetry that Spark's written. She loves wolf imagery that represents EDs, depression, self-harm, and addictions. And also abusive relationships. I like to think in this case, the wolves represent insomnia and depression because I feel that too really right now.
All the best,
Ty
Hey, it's Codayy for a review. Please note that this is my review for a poem and this could go bad
. I'm going to focus on the lines itself because EverWinter was more focused on the structure of this poem.
Pretty clever metaphor. However, even with the line break it still feels stiff and awkward to read. "Only to house to house one" Perhaps something along the lines of "only able to house one" or "only capable of housing one." What I'm trying to get across here is that using passive voice without a verb before is not something I would do.
Props to the sensory change. Really nice. Now I don't know how much you agree with this, but found use of acids twice as redundant. Since you used a small amount of repetition, I focused on the first part of both lines and then focused on acids twice. Maybe it's just me here.
The little section with the bag of bones and your heart is a sentence fragment I think. Since I'm pretty bad the English language myself (isn't that nice) so I can't explain the specifics on why it is. Sorry.
I have two problems with this line. Manifesting is a mouthful. There's various synonyms that have less syllables manifesting in order to help flow. If you fix that the line with smoothen out.
Also, you used "in the" twice at the same line. Personally, I don't like that, but that may just be me.
The sentence with "beneath my feet" (it's tedious to quote this poem since copy and paste ;-;) I also think is a sentence fragment.
The next sentence take out "is". Not needed.
Okay going with the positives. Imagery is on point. There was a lot of visions swarming in my head that I have never thought of before and going "nice" in my thoughts. My favorite was stanza one with falling into myself and the lines with erosion.
The flow for the most part sounded polished which really helped get into the literary devices you used. I also like your formatting choices like how you used "m o v i n g" with spaces because of they different than what I would have used but was still clever nonetheless. I would have done moving with italics personally
Also, I don't if you meant to do this or not but you transitioning like images out of a moving car window (loved this line, too) sort of hastily transition to a completely different set images (the wolves). Now if you intended to do this, you are a damn genius.
Happy review day!
Hey! Happy review day, Im here to review your poem!
So the first thing is that sometimes the format is really working for you, giving you emphasis on different lines and phrases, and other times, its just breaking up your poem needlessly or just not making much sense. In the line "In and out, in and out, and i hope" this is an example of it not making sense. So I'd make the "and I hope" its own line or add it to the next because it is a different statement than the repetitive "in and out". Also the "beeping" is just kinda out there floating in space and I honestly almost missed it.
Next, there is very little splits in the first couple stanzas and then by the end it's all broken up. I would even it out more and split more in the beginning. Not RIGHT at first, but sooner.
Lastly, the line "Nothing adds up in my head" ruins your metaphor with the "9+4=12" part because you're explaining it. I think you could move the line "Nothing adds up in my head" up two lines to replace "On the chalkboard the letters are scrawled as" because 1) that i just kinda random and out of the blue and 2) doesn't make sense considering that they are numbers written and not letters. So I'd also change the phrasing a bit, to make sense more.
Other than that, the poem is superb! You did a great job with the imagery and I think with those minor edits, this poem would be golden.
EverWinter
Thanks for the review.