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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Visceral!
Your use of white space was very hard-hitting here, gut-twisting. Not sure if paper is the route I'd go? You use that a lot, I feel. So many poets here talk about paper and ink and it just is overwrought. Experiment with that image and think of other things that spread blood the way paper does, even if it's a rephrasing as tissue or gauze or cotton. I don't care, I just hate paper these days.
Rain, bullets, beautiful stuff.
Not a fresh rhyme, but I like the execution of it--possibly try to inverse the second of the couplet so that it's an internal rhyme? Less of a nose-grab that way.
I want to yell at you about the last stanza because of ink and paper but I won't because I'm being nice today. Instead I'll yell at you about being so on-the-nose about suicide, even going so far as to list your date-of-death. All that's missing is a literal hand falling to the side. That's it. And it'd be right on the nose. So try to be discrete here. It'd benefit us all.
BUT INK AND PAPER, KAOS? REALLY?
Oi, it shows me your hurt. Figure out a different image, though--and read this on every level--I feel what you're getting at.
Ty
Hello there! Writervid here to review!
I really, really like the imagery you use here, especially the word choices you use to describe things. I've never seen the sun written as "bleeding" before, and I quite like the usage of the word here. Your word choice and imagery are spot on.
I think it's interesting to see sci fi settings and ideas used in poetry, even if that wasn't your intention here. It gives the feeling of a manufactured and forced society, even though it's set in today.
This is overall just a beautifully done poem and I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say. Great job!
Hey Kaos, here for a Review Day review!
Impressions: Great poetry. This piece is very unique and is definitely original in every sense of the word. You've chosen an interesting formatting technique, which at a few points I feel might pull away from the simplicity of the message and cloud it in chopped blocks thrown about on the page, but as a general rule, I feel like it enhances the level of your piece.
So tricky with the words here. But it lets me build some unique imagery that I might otherwise have never experienced. I like this concept of the physical body becoming what you've termed "state," which I will take as matter or essence or something a little more premortal. And the expiration date thing was cool to read.
Advice: Obviously you decided to string the streams of light part out by making it into a vertical piece of artwork. I didn't care for that part as much, though, as it seems a little out of place. Albeit it's difficult to get something to look just perfect, but the fact that it's not straight and such makes it not really fit with the concept of rays of light.
Overall, though, I think it's a great credit to your writing name.
I give it:
Hey, here for a review.
I haven't done a review in a long time so bear with me. First of all, I would like to comment on how beautifully structured this poem was. To the staggered stanzas to the falling letters, the display is very pleasing. I am just going to jump right into this review.
In the first stanza you have the phrase "in the form of streams of light", though, to say, it is grammatically correct, it is kind of hard to read. It probably is the double "of" that is causing the problem. I think that maybe tweaking it might help the phrasing, one example could be, "in the form of streaming light". It would help it to be easier to read, though, just my two cents. Same go for, "a lack of streams of light".
For the stanza that starts, "the numbers...", I have a few questions. What does it mean and does it have to do with being a "product of the media"? What does it represent? Is it a date that is truly meaningful? I feel as if you were to clean up and clarify some things in that stanza it would be less of a misunderstanding mystery. Unless, or course, it was meant to be mysteriously written.
In this stanza writing, "All of my blood has sank to the bottom like it is drink mix accumulating at the base of a glass, yet to be stirred" I have a few comments. For clarification, I do believe that the base of a glass is the bottom of the glass touching the surface it is on. I could be wrong though. Secondly, the imagery used is really painting a realistic vision in my mind. The simile is well written.
In the last stanza, you make a break in between the lines 1 and 2. When reading the stanza you can't help but to take a pause after the first line instead of moving forward into the next. It is creating a comma effect that really isn't needed. Overall, this is a great piece of poetry!
Thanks for the review!
*Lactate
...I was afraid of misspelling it like that to be completely honest with you.