Strung up, knotted to the ceiling that wasn’t really there,
We were hung up to our deaths,
Being taken out from the middle,
Until we turned to dust,
And our strings fell off,
And it was empty,
Young once,
We came to our ends,
All eight of us,
The warmest was the first to go,
The coldest was the last,
No little people to watch over,
No strings to hold us up,
Everything was forgotten,
Because they were scared to be,
But emptiness,
Emptiness was remembered,
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139,785 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
This is so sad...I hope you're okay! I thought this was about hanging yourself as I read through this poem. Don't be empty forever, find someone who will fill you with love, light, happiness, affection, care, hope, goals, desire, and the will to keep going! You are strong. I'm sorry if you're not okay. This poem is very much relatable but still you Ned to keep going and keep your head high
This is a poem from nearly a year ago, and I was referring to the planets in the poem, I hate the poem anyway, so that's why it doesn't really make sense.
Oh
No one cares? I care.
Hello Remington38,
I honestly don't read a lot of poetry but this was a layered poem and I could feel the emotions written in it. This reminded me of the Metallica's "Master of puppets" the album and the song. I enjoyed reading it and am interested to read more where this came from.
I really enjoyed this. I see the idea of beauty and youth as the strings holding them up, that they were just puppets, doing what the puppeteer commanded of them because their soul purpose was to do tricks and look pretty. I love the truth in that. I'm not even sure if that was the intention but it's great! I get a virgin suicides vibe from this and I am loving it! It perfectly describes the social expectation and purpose of women. The only improvement I could think to make on this is to maybe add some new vocab and lengthen the lines to make it less choppy.
Hi Phee! It's lovely to see you in the poetry section. I will be reading your piece and reviewing for you today.
I will start off by saying that I believe you have a lovely writing style. When it comes to the topic, I must say that it is very thought-provocative.
I especially loved those two lines. As general knowledge, most people know cold bodies are the ones that are closer to death, if not there already. However, your lines seem to express the contrary. But I figure this is actually a metaphor, in which you're not talking about the physical state of a person but their emotional attitude, and how they face certain situation. Warm-hearted people resist less than cold-hearted people. I believe this to be true. If my interpretation is close to correct, I believe this is a very powerful line! Kudos for making your readers think!
When I first read your poem, I noticed the same atmosphere as when I read it the second time. I feel as if this is a very critical poem, but it leaves me with many questions. The first time I read it, I thought it was about puppets being manipulated by strings. However, the second time I read it, I thought it was about people being hung up by something intangible, like perhaps, an institution or society in general. I'm still not completely sure, so if you wish, you could try to make that a little bit more clear, unless of course, you want to leave it open to interpretations. Yet, I think both are very strong ideas, and perhaps you could build up imagery to describe both things happening at the same time. Then again, that's just an idea.
Another, and the last thing, I want to mention in this review is punctuation. I very much dislike to even mention punctuation when it comes to poetry because at times, it seems like a controversial topic and everything... However, I will talk about it as a reader and not as a poet. If you take a look at your poem, there are many commas but only one period, which means this poem is a very long sentence in a funny formar. (Hehe) This can be a little bit distracting. Mostly because your readers don't get a break to stop and think about your ideas. This would not be a big deal if this was a simple topic, but you have a lot of potential in your ideas and I think people could appreciate them more if you were able to lead them towards them with punctuation. In other words what I am suggesting is for you to make short sentences, as it is allowed.
And that's all I've got to say. Have fun, Phee! And keep writing! ^^
Thanks, I was just trying it out for fun, I went off of the planets, and the universe, and it all being destroyed one day, that was kind of the inspiration.
Hey, yo, Astmai! Strange here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!
I saw you asking for reviews on this poem, so I decided to deliver. As a tip for future reviews from me, I mostly attack on content. Content is the most vital thing about poetry, but it helps when you can read it too. I did find some technical errors along with content errors. I am a very straight forward poetry reader, and I believe in simplicity. If you purposely try to hide deeper meaning behind a poem that only you can see, then chances are I wouldn't pick up on it. You have been warned. Let's get into this, shall we?
Horror poetry has always made me laugh. When people do try horror poetry, they often touch upon common themes. Horror poetry is the same as horror movies, the majority relies on one major thing. Horror movies rely on jump scares, horror/edgy poems rely on suicide. I was expecting a breath of fresh air.
Why did I call it? The biggest problem with this poem is that it's predictable. It was even predictable before I had started the poem. Sorry if this comes off as insulting, I'm only here to help <3
This felt a bit unrealistic and over exaggerated. I bet your bodies would be found before you guys turned to dust. Another thing I didn't like is the lack of clarity in the message. I honestly don't know the point you're trying to get at. It doesn't get across to me. I'm sorry but that's how I viewed it.
I do not fully know what you mean by the last two lines.
ARE YOU CALLING ME A MIDGET?
If they were scared to be, why did they eventually get forgotten? I mean, never mind.
Emptied nooses, I get that, but it just didn't hit the mark. You had too much of a message only you knew about. The thing about poetry, what makes it art, is that it's supposed to be open to interpret. I don't know what's going on here except for a group suicide. Didn't scare me at all. Also, this needs some periods because this has too much starts of sentences, but this is just one run on sentence. Read this out loud and tell me, does it flow?
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Thanks for the review, this was my first poem so I feel like this sucked.
I think is pretty good actually. Really deep and cuts into your soul kinda deep. It sounds like the joker is controlling them like in Wizard of Oz Dorothy's return. The whole torn from the insides sounds like Texas chainsaw and is a bit too disturbing for something like this. I also think you should add a little bit of light to it. Maybe in the end a streak of hope and just that can remove all the emptiness.