In my mind
It is burning, devouring, turning everyone into ashes
Outside, it was really a normal day, the sun was out and the grass was really green
But no one could see, it was burning down day by day
Like a computer being corrupted day by day by the small virus that started it all
It's in plain sight
But everyone here is blind
Not a thing they can see, no color, no emotion, no life
But in my mind
I see it all
The destruction, the pain
They don't see it
They live with their eyes closed
Making them forever blind
To see what is really happening
And they live life, carefree
Because they can't see
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hey, hmm the grammar part! Ehh, excluding that, it's very true to the theme. And the theme is not just catchy , but eye opening too. And coming to the style of writing , that too is posh . But i think you should yourself review it a few more times and add a few words here and there to make this nice poem classy as it has that potential. Keep it up.
P. S. It's a review. Kindly mark it as one. :-/
Thanks for the review! I usually write stories but I like to poet occasionally, so I'll try and work on that! (The grammar part is me finishing this poem in 7 minutes and hitting post. I don't usually edit the actual poem because I write poems when I'm emotionally constipated, and whatever comes out comes out :3) Really nice review though!
This poem was quite..........different. It made me think......
Overall, nice theme!
You seem to have written the expression ''day by day'' repetitively, so I would suggest you find another term as it doesn't give a good impression if you repeat the same thing. Not that your poem isn't good, but there's always room for improvement, right?
Also, the lines : "They live with their eyes closed, making them forever blind. " Well, you don't HAVE to say that this makes them blind. The words ''they live with their eyes closed'' already explains that.
The last two lines are awesome!
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Greetings, ninja… Quite a piece you have here.
This poem is, to me, a very accurate description of this unfortunate world you all are forced to live in. That's pretty much all I can say… It's accurate, it means something, it's the truth… I don't know how else I can describe it. Oddly enough, the computer virus imager made me think of Skynet for some reason…
Never mind that… This is the first thing I read by you, and I must say I'm very impressed by it. I hope to see more like it!
~The dark one
I really like this poem! well done! I especially like the computer virus imagery, as for me it conjures up anxiety in the pit of my stomach, like when you know something has gone horrifically wrong. A really interesting viewpoint, which could be interpreted in a few different ways. The only bit of criticism I would have, is try to avoid "really green" as for me personally, it makes that line sound child like (that may of been what you were going for, I don't know) maybe rephrase that line?
Keep up the good work!
El x
I really like this poem! well done! I especially like the computer virus imagery, as for me it conjures up anxiety in the pit of my stomach, like when you know something has gone horrifically wrong. A really interesting viewpoint, which could be interpreted in a few different ways. The only bit of criticism I would have, is try to avoid "really green" as for me personally, it makes that line sound child like (that may of been what you were going for, I don't know) maybe rephrase that line?
Keep up the good work!
El x