Published November 22, 2015
All the lost souls wandering on the road, wondering why they walked it
Wondering why they wanted to burn brightly so badly; the brightest fire
Hoping that someone would take warmth from it
They're an open wound, getting salt rubbed inside of them
It burns
It stings
It feels like Hell
"This isn't worth it."
They keep walking
Feeling lost when they know where they are going
Wanting to fight the river, aware of which way it was flowing
A wet log that couldn't get out
Grow legs and walk away just like that
It pulled them back in every time they got half of their body out
Swimming with the brain-eating amoeba made them feel like one
Made them think they are one
Their legs didn't stop for them now
The river didn't flow the other way for them to go back
"I just want out of this."
Their words were a thousand pictures
But they felt like others' pictures were a thousand of their words
When the river ended
It flowed into a delta
Their cold legs wobbling
Barely being able to stand up
But being able to look at the sky
See the rain fall down again
Every little drop mattered
A little glimpse into their own sight
A little bit of wiping away the dirt on their bottom half
That was about to swallow them whole
Now they could see the rain falling
That everyone else at the end of the road could see the drops too
Could see that they made a storm that made a flood
Could see that the words made a story
The rain got the eyelashes out of their eye
As their eyes and the sky stared at each other in silence
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Canary word: Present
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140,716 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hey Atsmai,
Myjaspercat here to give you a reveiw on this wonderful of days.
Ok, so I think the first thing to say here is wow. The idea you have here is actually something that I feel could become something great. However there is room for touching up (and that my friend is why I am here). Let's get started shall we...
1.) My first issue with this is the formatting. Do you see how there is a space inbetween each line of your poem. You probably do right? Well, simple fix: instead of hitting enter when you want to start a new line hit shift-enter (your work should then come out how it is quoted below).
2.) Second (if you couldn't tell by the number) is the lack of stanza's. Right now your work just lookes like one giant chunk of writing and it is kind of intimidatting to the eye. It's nice to have breaks; makes it look cleaner and so much easier to read.
3.)
Alright, that was longer then I thought it would be. Also, I'm sorry if I sound to harsh in this review, I'm only trying to help you the best that I can. But anywho, lets continue.
You had a lot of interesting content that either didn't go anywhere or the transition into it as so confusing (or not there) to the point that it was useless. Remember that when you are writing (even poetry) you can't just jump from idea to idea and assume that your reader know's what you are talking about. Think about it as some sort of present, you got to tie all the detail, transitions and everything else with a neat little bow.
Speaking about detail, you had some in your piece but personally it wasn't enough. There were numerous places where I thought that if you showed us instead of told us it would have made it a whole lot better. An example of this would be where you were talking about the rain. Show us how the rain fell, what it sounded like, tasted like, felt like (you get the point). Give us detail..
OK, I think that is all. I don't want to overwhelm you or even get repetative. Again, sorry if I sounded harsh. Have questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Hello,
Farah here to review.
This writing has great imagery and a good structure too. It has the potential to be a very good spoken word poem.
However, there's a bit of nitpicking I would like to do.
The part where you wrote:
"This isn't worth it."
These lines in quotations would probably look better in italics. I'm speaking from the aesthetic point of view. Now they are blending in too much with the main narration.
There's also a little problem with the tense and subject-verb agreement
"A wet log that couldn't get out
Grow(s) legs and walk(s) away just like that"
You started off writing like this
"(wandering) on the road.."
".....It (pulled) them back in every time they got half of their body out
Swimming with the brain-eating amoeba (made them) feel like one
Made them think they are one"
Do you spot the error?
I'm sorry if I sound too harsh. Just trying to help you improve. I'm not a professional or anything, so there might even be flaws in my nitpicking.
Hope you find my review helpful. Good luck with your writing endeavors