Young Writers Society

Momo, here with a review, as promised!

I like it! Just, with the rhymes, it make me feel like there should be a rhythm? There is one, but it's not constant. And where and what is Laenalaen? What is the White Tower? Just a few questions of mine.

the surrounding darkness took me away...

Hi there Vilnius! I'm here for a review in the spirit of RevMo!

In Laenalaen I walked beneath the moon,

the stars like pearls shining bright.

To the top of that White Tower I went,

to be close to the shadows and lights of night.

Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,

the joy of my heart, the core of my song,

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here courtesy of the checklist challenge because apparently you really have to review lyrics and poems if you want to complete it. Now fair warning I've got like no experience with reviewing this stuff so if it sucks I'm sorry.

First Impression: It's a pretty cool umm..song/ballad(I dunno what you call this) and it's doing a great job of putting an image into our heads. And I think I detect a rhyme scheme in there...although that last song, throne thing doesn't quite work out.

Anyway let's get to uhh more things,

In Laenalaen I walked beneath the moon,

the stars like pearls shining bright.

To the top of that White Tower I went,

to be close to the shadows and lights of night.

And in those early hours, just moments from the dawn,

the surrounding darkness took me away...

O! How my soul wept as the beautiful night

became dawn, and then the horrid day!

Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,

the joy of my heart, the core of my song,

the loveliest of all natural things

in that city of the ancient Throne.

Excerpt; "Poems of Belecthoria and Its History: The Essential Guide to a Cultured Nation," as Revised by Carolina Edwards and Assembled by Order of King Michael II

Hey, it's Myth here with a review.

If it were up to me to say, I'd say that you're the finest bard I've met yet. A good old fashioned ballad like this really made my day. I don't have any mistakes to point out, so you're good. I saw a good consistent rhyme scheme except for when it reached "Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,". There, the rhythm drops and little and shifts. It could be a little confusing but as long as it satisfies the purpose, it's fine.

I like what you're describing here - the city of Laenalaen and it's different sceneries. How it looks under the moon is some great imagery, I've got to say. It all adds beauty to the song. (I hope I don't ruin this by singing it.)

Lastly, I really like how this is connected to a world you have set in place. I'd really like to acknowledge just how excellent progress this in your world building.

That will be all. Have a good day and keep writing,

Yours sincerely,
Myth

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You mind if I cover this?

Heya, Vilnius! Here I am with another review.
Another lovely ballad for me! You've really got a knack for these bad boys, my friend. There's a very romantic feel to this one, definitely in keeping with typical ballads.

Okay, so critiques for this one: not very many. I can see your rhyme scheme is a little more consistent this time, except for those last four lines. Good to see!

Your diction is lovely here, just perfect words chosen for each line. "The core of my song,/the loveliest of all natural things" was especially stunning. Very well done!

I read this poem out loud while I was writing this review and it occurred to me that I couldn't find much rhythm here. This is a visually exhilarating poem, for sure, and it truly holds bardic typicalities, but the style you're going for has fallen a bit short without a proper rhythm. No worries--I'm not asking you to do iambic pentameter! I just wonder if a slight lilt wouldn't hurt this poem.

Like I said, I have very few critiques for this piece. I love it just like I loved "The Devil's Song of Ismelda the Sixth" and I can't wait to see what else you have for me! Keep improving and keep up the great work!

Happy RevMo,
RavenLord

Hello, there! I am Lezuli and I shall review this poem for you. I really like poems like this that tell a story, so good job making a good story out of it.
I liked your imagery, it did a good job of describing the poet's sadness regarding this 'horrid' day. Though maybe you could describe a little more about what happened when the darkness took the poet away?
I don't have much else to add other than this poem reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe called Dream-Land. I'm just curious if you took any inspiration from that poem.
And that's all I got for you, sorry if this wasn't very helpful, but I hope it was!

What an interesting piece! Does this fit into some greater story or novel? It reads almost like a religious manuscript. It's hard to give in-depth feedback to this without more context, but there are a few comments I have after just reading this.

First, the flow seems a little stilted in some areas. If this is a song, poem, or chant you want it to read for the reader like it would from one of your characters. I always recommend reading poetry out loud - it really helps you see exactly what the dynamics of the piece are. Using punctuation and line breaks to really get that across to the reader could help this piece feel more natural.

For example, between "O! How my soul wept as the beautiful night" and "became dawn, and then the horrid day!" is a line break. To me as a reader, that seems a little awkward. I'm pausing in the middle of the sentence and losing the meaning of the phrase. I have to think, "wait, what does this mean again?"

Second, some of your descriptive elements seem a little bit cliche. This might be just fine is this a religious manuscript or piece of historical literature in your fictional world, but if it's a stand-alone piece you might want to consider adding some more unique imagery. Right now "stars like pearls shining bright" and "shadows and lights of night" just don't evoke much unique feeling or images to me as a reader. They do give the poem a certain feel, but it might not be the one you like. This is totally up to you!

Anyway, interesting piece! Thanks for sharing and I'd love to hear more about the context in which this ought to be read.