Hey there!
I decided to stop by and give your work a review!
It seems like this is part of a bigger project/story, which is awesome! I could tell you have a lot of thought put into your world. I love seeing novels/stories/projects where the author is just so invested into the story and characters that they can't help but write off-shoot stories and sequels and prequels and poetry and what not all about their world! It's really inspiring to see that level of passion and work!! This story definitely gave off that kind of vibe to me! c:
The biggest thing for me in this piece was that I feel like it needs a bit more direction. We have a bit of a scene, with a fair bit of dialogue, but not a lot of events/action to really tell a compelling story. I'm not really sure what is the take-away from this story, other than it's about a kingdom on the brink of war(?) and the king dies. I'm not sure how you could go about telling this story in a more event-led way, but I'm sure there's lots of ways that could be really quite creative and captivating that would make the reader go "Omg, this Kingdom is about to go to war!! What will happen??" and "Oh no!! The king is dead!! What will they do??" Because right now from this story alone, we don't know enough about the world and character's to really develop any sort of feelings about what's being said in this piece. I hope that makes sense!! So my advice is ask yourself: "what do I want to happen in this story?" and then show us the events that make up that "happening".
This kinda goes hand-in-hand with the other bit, but I felt like I didn't know much about the characters, and again, that made it so I didn't care much about what they were saying and what happened. Part of this, again, is because we don't really see them in action/etc. But I think there's other ways that you could give us a little more insight into the characters and what they're like. For instance, there seems to be a lovely connection between the king and his wife (? I think she's his wife but maybe not). I'm not saying make it all gushy or anything, but you could maybe show a little more side to that affection- where they're (this doesn't seem quite right for a king and queen but..) snuggling or resinising or or bantering/joking/bugging each other. Little things like this make characters feel more real, more "human" and then we are a lot sadder when something bad happens. ;-;
I also feel like maybe there would have been more of an impact if we'd seen the King dying, rather than just reading about it in the note. It's kind of disorienting to read a story and then instead of reading what happens to the character, we get told... after the story? I don't know, I guess they do that in movies/TV shows-- but I feel like that is only really because they don't have enough time to tie up all the loose ends of those forms of media. Where as in writing, there's not really much of a limit (I mean there is, but this story is fairly short and wouldn't hurt to have a tiny bit more length, you know?). But, those are just my thoughts!
In any case, I thought your writing was really good in general- like it had a good flow to it and I understood what was being conveyed and what not- which is awesome because I feel like that's not always an easy thing to pull off!!
Keep it up!!! C:
-Holysocks
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
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