Hey, Vil! Time to get this out of the Greenroom.
There's a lot going on with this piece, more than first meets the eye, and I really love it! So I'll just jump right into the specifics here about what I see that works and doesn't work.
1.
In the beginning of this, it definitely has some strong Judeo-Christian creation story elements, which is fitting for Belecthoria having a form of Christian religion later on.
2.
He placed his hands upon the rock, freely giving his blood to the soil.
For some reason, this just stands out to me as producing a very vivid image. I'm not sure why lol.
3.
Daethdr was the first to awaken in the Mountains of Mist, overlooking the Endless Plains.
I like this as the ending of that paragraph, then starting a new with him coming down from the mountain. It marks a nice transition and gives this line here a bit of a dramatic effect. His name sounds dramatic too lol, and the fact that the reader doesn't really know the Mountains of Mist, but they are written here as a given adds to the sense that this story is something with a history and rooted into the culture. Also adds a bit of a mystical feel.
4.
He wandered alone for some time before stopping to drink at a crystal clear pool.
The ending of this line, with the description of the pool, feels out of place to me. Up until then, there really isn't any specific imagery, so having this "crystal clear pool" instead of just a pool sticks out, and I don't think really adds to the already established sense that this world is pure and beautiful.
5.
He was seated upon a golden dragon, and he was followed by the evil Black Centaurs, of whom only one ever repented.
This is just a stylistic edit I'd suggest. I think this would read better if you took out "and he was" after the comma, so just, "He was seated upon a golden dragon and followed by the evil Black Centaurs..." Partly I think this because the "and he was" is a redundant pronoun and verb, and also because you use the same, unconventional sentence structure in the previous line, so it makes it even more redundant here and kind of messes with the flow I think.
6.
In 0003, Michael teamed with the local smithy and Healer, me
Ahhh, I like this touch. It makes complete sense that Sinestra is telling the story, but up until this point I didn't realize it. There's a lot of layering of dimensions and stories on top of stories in this piece, and this just adds to that more.
7. Expanding on that point about layering, I think it works really well in this piece. There is a ton of stuff covered here, several stories that could be books on their own, but you've done an excellent job of threading them into one story, the beginning of history for Belecthoria and the Dragonhearts, while maintaining a smooth flow, giving enough information that it all makes sense, but not too much that the narration is bogged down. There are lots and lots of questions about what the details of these stories are, but rather than feeling incomplete, they just add to the richness of this lore and culture. It's a really nice touch that definitely creates interest and I think adds a sort of enchanting feel. I really like it!
So I don't think there's a whole lot here that I'd point out for revision, mainly just some syntax and rewording here and there, a few typos to be fixed. The story doesn't feel lacking in any way, the flow and feel of it are great... I'd probably put this up there with one of your best individual prose pieces myself. Fine work c:
~Stringbean
Points: 899
Reviews: 37
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