The night was cold,
the stars were bright,
the dark sky above
was littered with light.
The pale moon shone
behind gray clouds,
wispy, vagrant, faint,
like pastel shrouds.
Lómë*, my love,
danced in the sky,
and each night,
we'd kiss goodbye.
Up in the sky,
tainted hues of blue,
she'd sway and whirl
amidst starlight true.
One night, she did not return,
and my aching heart began to yearn
for the touch of her hand, her lips on mine,
to see her dance, to sway, to turn.
Lómë, my love, danced away,
far beyond the Land of Nacht,
forever lost to my heart, and
ever since, my soul's been locked.
Burning brightly, ever shining,
my heart yearns to see her again,
my Lómë, my Twilight,
the Fair Maiden of Aloth Tiren*.
*Lómë translates roughly to "twilight" in the Elven tongue. Aloth Tiren translated to "Heavenly Place of Kings." It is not a real place, although it is rumored to be a symbol of Heaven. In these later days, it stands for a place of beauty, perfection, and love.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey, Kendall!! I am here with a review, as requested!
This was really good!! I love to read your poetry, because it's always so well written! The rhymes are just so good!! You're such a great poet. Great job!
The asterisk looks out of place here. I know it's guiding you to the note at the end, but I think you should take it out and have the part at the end titled "Author's Note" or something like that.
I think you should replace "each" with "every" to match the rhythm.
That's it! Sorry for such a short review lol, it was so well written I couldn't find more than this! Again, great job, and keep writing!
Momo
Thank you, Momo! c:
Hello! My name is Via, and I'm here for a review, so let's get to it.
First and foremost, I love the title and the use of Elven language. I've never studied Elven before, even though I'm a language tutor. I'm assuming this the version that J.R.R. Tolkein used, so that's extremely creative on your part. The language you chose was perfect for the tone of the poem; whimsical and romantic.
This is just lovely:
I love how everything is so simplistic and I don't find many muddled lines. I like that you chose to cloud the poem with unnecessary images and metaphors and just kept is short and sweet. Thanks as well for fixing the auto capitalization! That is such a pet peeve of mine for poetry.
My only critiques are...
So there is a rhyme scheme here, I normally don't mind inconsistent rhyme schemes, but here it could be improved. You started off with a ABCB , then it changed drastically. I don't it worked very well for this poem, but that just be me being picky and such.
Example
This is nice, but the rhyme isn't consistent with the rest of the poem, so it just takes away from the lyrical, romantic feeling. Like @1234 mentioned, the descriptions are a little choppy, then you jump around with dusk and dawn. I think @1234 brought up a great idea with starting with evening based descriptions and then gradually transition it. Finally like @illy7896 mentioned, the word "locked" at the end is a little broken and doesn't flow well with the other words. It somehow messes with the structure and the flow of the poem.
These are just suggestions, so you do with it what you will.
Overall, I loved this poem. It's very reciting friendly, and I can see it being performed in Poetry out Loud competitions. It's lovely on the tongue, and very aesthetic in the theme.
Nice job! Keep writing!
Actually, it's my own version of Elvish that I've been working on for a while! c:
Thanks for the review! c:
That's really cool
This poetry sounds so nice when said, and flows so elegantly. My favourite line was:
'One night, she did not return,
and my aching heart began to yearn
for the touch of her hand, her lips on mine,
to see her dance, to sway, to turn.'
I found this so mesmerising and it reminds me of trees swaying in the wind. The way you speak is so concise and delicate.
However, I found that these lines:
'Lómë, my love, danced away,
far beyond the Land of Nacht,
forever lost to my heart, and
ever since, my soul's been locked.'
are beautiful although the rhyming structure is a little broken and doesn't flow as clearly. I think that the word locked could be substituted for a word that perhaps imitates the structure more and the rhythm of these few lines: could you replace it with a word that rhymes with Nacht instead so as to maintain the pace? This is purely a suggestion and the lines are still very nice the way they are.
I found the poem beautiful to speak and beautiful to read.
I enjoyed reading this
hello. i am 1234 and is here to review your work. i am gonna provide you with a very short review. so, let's start the review.
coming to the mistakes, I didn't find any mistakes in the poem until I came to know to this line-
as of me, twilight is the faint light after the sun sets. now, you begin it with all the descriptions of the night. then, you suddenly jumped to the evening time or perhaps dusk. you see, I think you consider starting it with the descriptions of the evening time. then, you can either keep the whole poem in the evening time or you can gradually come to the night time.
whatever, except this, I enjoyed reading your poetry work.
i hope it will be helpful