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In Laenalaen

by Vil


In Laenalaen I walked beneath the moon,

the stars like pearls shining bright.

To the top of that White Tower I went,

to be close to the shadows and lights of night.

And in those early hours, just moments from the dawn,

the surrounding darkness took me away...

O! How my soul wept as the beautiful night

became dawn, and then the horrid day!

Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,

the joy of my heart, the core of my song,

the loveliest of all natural things

in that city of the ancient Throne.

-----

Excerpt; "Poems of Belecthoria and Its History: The Essential Guide to a Cultured Nation," as Revised by Carolina Edwards and Assembled by Order of King Michael II


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Sun Sep 06, 2020 2:15 pm
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LordMomo wrote a review...



Momo, here with a review, as promised!

I like it! Just, with the rhymes, it make me feel like there should be a rhythm? There is one, but it's not constant. And where and what is Laenalaen? What is the White Tower? Just a few questions of mine.

the surrounding darkness took me away...

Only one period is needed here.

That's the only grammar mistake I could find. But I love the sentiment of the poem! Walking through a beautiful city at night, then the day comes and takes the beauty away. I love it! I'm coming for your other works *evil grin*
have a great RevMo!
Momo




Vil says...


Laenalaen is the White Tower. I've got a map link here somewhere...

So in this map, Laenalaen has not yet been built. But if you look just to the northeast of Misty Halls and imagine that forest is cut down, there would be a giant citadel there that would make up the city if Laenalaen. This city exists in the fictional empire of Belecthoria.

That's an ellipsis; I felt it added to the narrator's longing for the night.

Happy RevMo, and thanks for your review!



LordMomo says...


no problem!



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 7:56 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there Vilnius! I'm here for a review in the spirit of RevMo!

In Laenalaen I walked beneath the moon,

the stars like pearls shining bright.

To the top of that White Tower I went,

to be close to the shadows and lights of night.

This entire opening section has such great flow, rhyme, and imagery! I especially love the phrase "star like pearls shining bright"; it creates a lovely picture in my mind (and I haven't heard stars described like pearls, so the imagery is new and fresh, which is a bonus).
If you were looking to expand on the descriptions you could consider describing the sky like the dark depths of a sea where the clams/pearls/stars are hidden, or any imagery that ties the pearl & night sky imagery together - but that's just extra, definitely not necessary!

Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,

I'm not usually a fan of repetition, with the exception of when the repeated line/s vary a little and add some new meaning to the phrase - which you happened to do here, and I really enjoyed it! The fact that you add "Once" to the beginning and change "the" to "that" works really subtly to create a feeling of nostalgia and makes the reader feel like perhaps the narrator is no longer able to see that moon.

the joy of my heart, the core of my song,

^This is the only place where the lovely rhyming scheme breaks ~ if you're looking to keep it consistent, you could consider switching out "song" for "bones" (which would make sense in the context of the line and rhyme nicely with "Throne"!)
(Or, similarly, you could maybe change the final line, but that might be harder to alter and still keep the same/a similar meaning.)

Overall, the flow is brilliant, you've got some really nice imagery, and where you've used it, the rhyming scheme is quite strong. My main suggestions would be altering one line so that the rhyming is consistent throughout, and maybe expanding on some of the descriptions if you're interested in lengthening the poem. I hope you find this review useful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


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Vil says...


Thanks so much, whatcha!

Those final lines were annoying to work with. :P



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Fri Sep 04, 2020 11:16 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here courtesy of the checklist challenge because apparently you really have to review lyrics and poems if you want to complete it. Now fair warning I've got like no experience with reviewing this stuff so if it sucks I'm sorry.

First Impression: It's a pretty cool umm..song/ballad(I dunno what you call this) and it's doing a great job of putting an image into our heads. And I think I detect a rhyme scheme in there...although that last song, throne thing doesn't quite work out.

Anyway let's get to uhh more things,

In Laenalaen I walked beneath the moon,

the stars like pearls shining bright.

To the top of that White Tower I went,

to be close to the shadows and lights of night.

And in those early hours, just moments from the dawn,

the surrounding darkness took me away...

O! How my soul wept as the beautiful night

became dawn, and then the horrid day!

Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,

the joy of my heart, the core of my song,

the loveliest of all natural things

in that city of the ancient Throne.


Umm quoting the entire thing....okay let's see...nothing that I can see off with spelling or punctuation. It's definitely on point from what I can see.

Okay then I what I got from this thing...um..I can see this is a description of this city (whose name I will not be attempting to spell or pronounce) and he's describing that maybe it looks really nice in the moonlight as is lamenting the fact that its turning to day or something like that.

So umm...there's some really nice imagery in it. You definitely bring out a pretty good picture of this city.

Excerpt; "Poems of Belecthoria and Its History: The Essential Guide to a Cultured Nation," as Revised by Carolina Edwards and Assembled by Order of King Michael II


Oooh that is a nice touch and I honestly think that you would be the kind of person insane enough to actually write such a book of poems just to add it to the worldbuilding. :)

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: It's a pretty cool (Insert appropriate name) and I think it conjures a wonderful image. I'm not sure which of your worlds this connects to but it is definitely some awesome worldbuilding that you've got going on here. And that's it for me embarrassing myself.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Vil says...


I'm still working on that book XD

Thanks for the review!



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 6:57 pm
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Gravitem wrote a review...



Hey, it's Myth here with a review.

If it were up to me to say, I'd say that you're the finest bard I've met yet. A good old fashioned ballad like this really made my day. I don't have any mistakes to point out, so you're good. I saw a good consistent rhyme scheme except for when it reached "Once, in Laenalaen, I walked beneath that moon,". There, the rhythm drops and little and shifts. It could be a little confusing but as long as it satisfies the purpose, it's fine.

I like what you're describing here - the city of Laenalaen and it's different sceneries. How it looks under the moon is some great imagery, I've got to say. It all adds beauty to the song. (I hope I don't ruin this by singing it.)

Lastly, I really like how this is connected to a world you have set in place. I'd really like to acknowledge just how excellent progress this in your world building.

That will be all. Have a good day and keep writing,

Yours sincerely,
Myth

__|_|__

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Vil says...


Thanks for the great review, Myth! :D



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 6:25 pm
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Gravitem says...



You mind if I cover this?




Vil says...


Go ahead! :D



Gravitem says...


before that, do tell me how "Laenalaen" is pronounced.



Vil says...


Roughly "lay-nal-ay-in"



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:37 am
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RavenLord wrote a review...



Heya, Vilnius! Here I am with another review.
Another lovely ballad for me! You've really got a knack for these bad boys, my friend. There's a very romantic feel to this one, definitely in keeping with typical ballads.

Okay, so critiques for this one: not very many. I can see your rhyme scheme is a little more consistent this time, except for those last four lines. Good to see!

Your diction is lovely here, just perfect words chosen for each line. "The core of my song,/the loveliest of all natural things" was especially stunning. Very well done!

I read this poem out loud while I was writing this review and it occurred to me that I couldn't find much rhythm here. This is a visually exhilarating poem, for sure, and it truly holds bardic typicalities, but the style you're going for has fallen a bit short without a proper rhythm. No worries--I'm not asking you to do iambic pentameter! I just wonder if a slight lilt wouldn't hurt this poem.

Like I said, I have very few critiques for this piece. I love it just like I loved "The Devil's Song of Ismelda the Sixth" and I can't wait to see what else you have for me! Keep improving and keep up the great work!

Happy RevMo,
RavenLord




Vil says...


Spoiler! :
Yesssss. I love being praised XDD


Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad you've liked these little bits and pieces. I plan on posting at least one more tomorrow. (I'm averaging 2-4 reviews per day atm, so it could be more than 1 :P)



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Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:21 pm
Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello, there! I am Lezuli and I shall review this poem for you. I really like poems like this that tell a story, so good job making a good story out of it.
I liked your imagery, it did a good job of describing the poet's sadness regarding this 'horrid' day. Though maybe you could describe a little more about what happened when the darkness took the poet away?
I don't have much else to add other than this poem reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe called Dream-Land. I'm just curious if you took any inspiration from that poem.
And that's all I got for you, sorry if this wasn't very helpful, but I hope it was!




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Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:14 pm
grainne wrote a review...



What an interesting piece! Does this fit into some greater story or novel? It reads almost like a religious manuscript. It's hard to give in-depth feedback to this without more context, but there are a few comments I have after just reading this.

First, the flow seems a little stilted in some areas. If this is a song, poem, or chant you want it to read for the reader like it would from one of your characters. I always recommend reading poetry out loud - it really helps you see exactly what the dynamics of the piece are. Using punctuation and line breaks to really get that across to the reader could help this piece feel more natural.

For example, between "O! How my soul wept as the beautiful night" and "became dawn, and then the horrid day!" is a line break. To me as a reader, that seems a little awkward. I'm pausing in the middle of the sentence and losing the meaning of the phrase. I have to think, "wait, what does this mean again?"

Second, some of your descriptive elements seem a little bit cliche. This might be just fine is this a religious manuscript or piece of historical literature in your fictional world, but if it's a stand-alone piece you might want to consider adding some more unique imagery. Right now "stars like pearls shining bright" and "shadows and lights of night" just don't evoke much unique feeling or images to me as a reader. They do give the poem a certain feel, but it might not be the one you like. This is totally up to you!

Anyway, interesting piece! Thanks for sharing and I'd love to hear more about the context in which this ought to be read.




Vil says...


Laenalaen is part of a much larger fictional world; there would be more detail, but given that it's a Dryad hymnal, and that in the fictional world Laenalaen is a well-known citadel that is the only city on a vast plain for roughly 45 miles, it lacks those details. :P

Unless there is a comma, semi-colon, or period, this poem isn't meant to be read in the "stop at the end of the line" mentality. It makes more sense that way.

Laenalaen will eventually be mentioned in #TaleOfSouls , a massive lore child @Stringbean and I are writing. It was also the setting in one of my other stories (linked here The Final Moments of King Rorimac IV).

Thanks for your review!



grainne says...


That does make a lot more sense! XD Thanks for the context.




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